Mine is absolutely different

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just yesterday I finished the drawing I made for the evening class's competition. It is the figure of Germanicus that you know. Well, I am sure I shall place last, because all the drawings of the others are exactly alike, and mine is absolutely different. But I saw how that drawing they will think best was made. I was sitting just behind it, and it is correct, it is whatever you like, but it is dead, and that's what all the drawings I saw are.

Enough of this, but let it annoy us so much that it makes us enthusiastic for something nobler, and that we hasten to achieve this.

You, too, need a more vigorous life, and if we might succeed in joining hands, together we should know more than each separately, and should be able to do more.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If I could go my own way

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

I must also tell you that, although I keep going there, that nagging of those fellows at the academy is often almost unbearable, for they remain positively spiteful.

But I try systematically to avoid all quarrels, and go my own way. And I feel I am on the track of what I am seeking, and perhaps I should find it the sooner if I could go my own way.

Yet I irritate them even though I don't say anything; and they, me.

But this doesn't matter so much, the problem is to go on trying to find a better working method. So - patience and perseverance.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Please allow me to come

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just think, if all goes well, and if I had good food, etc., all that time, which certainly will leave something to be desired, even in that case it will take about six months before I shall have recovered entirely.

Now, at this moment, I am feeling terribly weak, even worse than that, from reaction after overwork, but that is the natural course of things and nothing extraordinary; but as it is a question of taking better nourishment, etc., you see in Brabant I shall again spend my last penny on models; it will be the same story all over again, and I do not think that will be right. In that way we stray from our path. So please allow me to come sooner, I should almost say at once.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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And I will change it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

That impression I can't help getting of myself when comparing myself to others, namely that I look as if I had been in prison for ten years, is not exaggerated; but to change it - and I will change it - I must primarily not get too far out of the art world, but stay some time longer in a studio or at an academy. Then it will disappear.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Those who have dared something

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

Founding a studio together would perhaps be a good thing, but we must feel sure that we can carry it through - and we must know our own minds perfectly, and once we begin it, we must have a certain confidence after all, left us after a long series of lost illusions.

And such a studio - in starting it one must know that it will be a battle and that people in general will be absolutely indifferent, so one ought to begin it feeling confident of some power - wanting to be somebody, wanting to be active - so that when one dies one can think, I go where all those who have dared something go - well, we shall see.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Not to be discouraged

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

More and more I believe that l'art pour l'art, to work for work's sake, l'energie pour l'energie - is after all the principle of all great artists, for in the case of the de Goncourts one sees how necessary obstinacy is, for society will not thank them for it.

But in painting one finds a certain rest in the histories of those painters who aimed at the most sublime through it all.

Israels himself, for instance, was still quite unknown and poor, even to the extent of having nothing to eat but dry bread - when he nevertheless wanted to go to Paris, though the circumstances were discouraging enough.

Not to be discouraged, even though one is almost starving, and though one feels one has to say farewell to all material comfort in life!

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Some chance of making progress

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I keep feeling satisfied with having come here, otherwise I should have remained in a fix; and now, though there are still many difficulties, I see some chance of making progress.

And by staying here somewhat longer, or by going to Paris, I shall get an even firmer hold.

I see that year of drawing from which I'm afraid there's no escape.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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