Impossible things which discourage

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 24 March 1882

I have been working very hard lately, and am busy from morning till night. First, the little drawings for C.M. They are finished, and I have sent them to him. I had hoped he would pay me at once, and since he has not, I am afraid he will forget it, and when will he send it now??? I continue to make such little views of the city almost every day, and have the knack now.

I wish Tersteeg or others who pretend to be friendly or to want to help me would ask for things that I can make, instead of asking for impossible things which discourage instead of encourage me. Enfin, que soit. But I had expected C.M. to pay me at once. The drawings were certainly no worse than the specimen which he saw, and I had trouble enough making them, perhaps more than 30 guilders' worth. If people understood that nothing is nothing, and that days without a penny in my pocket are very hard and difficult, I think they would not begrudge me the little money I get from you which keeps me afloat in these hard times, not unnerve me by reproaches for taking it from you.

Don't I deserve my bread if I work hard? Or am I not worthy of the means which enable me to work? I only wish, brother, that you would come here soon and see for yourself whether I'm cheating you or not.

Letter 183
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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