I wish they would just take me as I am

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 15-27 April 1882

When I go to see Mauve or Tersteeg I cannot express myself as I should wish, and perhaps I do myself more harm than good. When they are more accustomed to my way of speaking, they will no longer take offense.

But do tell them now, in my name, how things are - that if I have hurt them in speech or action, I hope they will forgive me. Tell them in better words than I can, with as much style and grace as necessary, how they on their part have caused me much sorrow, much grief, much trouble in these few months which have seemed so long to me because of all these worries. Make them understand this, they don't know it: they think I am unfeeling and indifferent. . . .

I wish they would just take me as I am. Mauve has been kind to me and has helped me thoroughly and well, but - it lasted only a fortnight - that is too short.

Adieu, Theo, try to do what you can. If I have some good luck instead of bad luck, I needn't be such a burden on you.

Letter 190
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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