It would quite upset me with joy
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
If I may keep your help, it would be something quite unexpected, good luck which I had not counted on, for I have lived with this terrible thought a long time, “I fear there will come a time when I shall be left quite without means.” But I did not tell it to you before the right moment had arrived. If you let me keep your help, that would be a relief, a blessing so unexpected, so unhoped for, that it would quite upset me with joy; even now I dare not think of it, and I put away the thought with all my strength, even while I write you about it with a steady hand, not to show my weakness. What I experienced last winter at Mauve's hands has been a lesson to me; it has kept me prepared for the worst - a death sentence from you - namely that you stop your help.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
Back to The Way of Vincent: Making art no matter what
If I may keep your help, it would be something quite unexpected, good luck which I had not counted on, for I have lived with this terrible thought a long time, “I fear there will come a time when I shall be left quite without means.” But I did not tell it to you before the right moment had arrived. If you let me keep your help, that would be a relief, a blessing so unexpected, so unhoped for, that it would quite upset me with joy; even now I dare not think of it, and I put away the thought with all my strength, even while I write you about it with a steady hand, not to show my weakness. What I experienced last winter at Mauve's hands has been a lesson to me; it has kept me prepared for the worst - a death sentence from you - namely that you stop your help.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
Back to The Way of Vincent: Making art no matter what
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