My heart longs for us to be together

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 20-21 August 188

At this moment you are in Nuenen.

I wish, brother, there were no reasons for me to be absent. I wish we were walking there together in the old village churchyard, or looking in at a weaver's. Now that cannot be - why not? - oh, because I feel I should be a killjoy in my present mood.

I repeat - I do not quite understand it, and think it is going a little too far - when you as well as Father feel ashamed just to walk with me. For my part I stay away, though my heart longs for us to be together.

Because I cannot spare that one little moment of seeing you or Father without mental reservations, only for the sake of indissoluble ties, I wish we would never again speak about the question of manners or clothes when we meet again. You see that in everything I withdraw as far as possible instead of pushing myself forward. But don't let decorum breed a general estrangement. That one bright moment - of seeing each other once a year - must not be darkened.

Letter 315
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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