I must have some security

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 27 September 1883

This morning the weather was better again, so I went out to paint. But it was impossible, I was missing four or five colors, and I came home so miserable. I am sorry to have risked myself so far without a sufficient supply. I know from experience how it ends when one undertakes such an expedition . . . .

You remember, perhaps, how it was with me in the Borinage. Well, I am rather afraid it would be the same thing here all over again, and I must have some security before I risk myself further, otherwise I shall go back (Oh, you know, that's what I say, but I really want to stay). I did not see any good at the time, nor do I now, in reaching such a point of destitution, in literally having no roof over my head, in having to wander and wander forever like a tramp, without finding either rest or food or covering anywhere - besides, without any possibility of working.

Letter 329
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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