It would quite upset me with joy
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
If I may keep your help, it would be something quite unexpected, good luck which I had not counted on, for I have lived with this terrible thought a long time, “I fear there will come a time when I shall be left quite without means.” But I did not tell it to you before the right moment had arrived. If you let me keep your help, that would be a relief, a blessing so unexpected, so unhoped for, that it would quite upset me with joy; even now I dare not think of it, and I put away the thought with all my strength, even while I write you about it with a steady hand, not to show my weakness. What I experienced last winter at Mauve's hands has been a lesson to me; it has kept me prepared for the worst - a death sentence from you - namely that you stop your help.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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After death there is resurrection
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
Sometimes the thought occurs to me, Why isn't Theo a painter? Will that “civilization” ever begin to bore him? Won't he later regret that he has not left “civilization” for what it is worth, and has not learned a handicraft, taken a wife and put on the painter's smock? But there may be reasons for it which I cannot appreciate. I don't know whether you have yet learned the ABC of love. Do you think that pretentious of me? What I mean is, one feels best what love is when sitting by a sickbed, sometimes without any money in one's pocket. It is no gathering of strawberries in spring - that lasts only a few days, and most of the months are grey and gloomy. But in that gloom one learns something new; sometimes I think you know it and sometimes I think, He does not.
I want to go through the joys and sorrows of domestic life in order to paint it from my own experience. When I came back from Amsterdam, I felt that my love - so true, so honest and strong - had literally been killed. But after death there is resurrection. Resurgam.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My spirits rise
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
Dear me, why should I be afraid, what do I care about Tersteeg's “unsaleable” or “without charm”? Whenever I feel depressed, I look at “The Diggers” by Millet and “Le Blanc des Pauvres” by De Groux, and then Tersteeg becomes so small, so insignificant, and all that drivel of his becomes so foolish, that my spirits rise, and I light my pipe and start drawing again. But if ever a “civilized” person should cross my path at such a moment, he might hear things which would sober him up.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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They will hear me thunder, “Go to hell”
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
Thank God I have my work; but instead of earning money by it, I need money to be able to work, so that is the difficulty. When in a year - or I don't know how long - I shall be able to draw that Geest or any other street as I see it, with those figures of old women, workmen, girls, then Tersteeg, etc., will be very kind. But then they will hear me thunder, “Go to hell”; and I shall say, You deserted me when I was in trouble, friend, I don't know you, go away, you're standing in my light.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Now they try to devour each other
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
There used to be better feeling among painters; now they try to devour each other, and are big personages who have villas and scheme to get ahead. I would rather be on the Geest, or in any grey, muddy and gloomy alley - there I am never bored, so I say, That's no place for me, I won't go there any more.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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“Nobody will take an interest in you”
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
Mauve said to me, That uncle of yours has only given this order because he was at your studio once; but you must understand that it doesn't mean anything and will be the first and last, and then nobody will take an interest in you. You must know, Theo, that I cannot stand such things; if such things are said, my hand drops as if paralyzed. Especially as C. M. has already said something about conventions, I believe. I have done twelve drawings for C. M. for 30 guilders, that is 2.50 guilders apiece; it was a difficult job, there was more than 30 guilders' worth of work in it, and I don't deserve having to consider it charity, or something like it.
I had already put a lot of effort into the six others. I had made the studies for them - and there it stopped. The effort over the new ones has already been made, so it is not laziness; but I am paralyzed.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Is my path less straight?
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
You see, Theo, I've had enough of it all; think it over and you will understand. Is my path less straight because somebody says, “You have gone astray”? C. M. always talks about the right path too, just like Tersteeg and the clergymen. . . . To forget, I lie down in the sand by an old tree trunk and make a drawing of it. In a linen smock, smoking a pipe and looking at the deep blue sky - or at the moss or the grass. This soothes me. And I feel just as calm, for instance, when Christien or her mother is posing, and I estimate the proportions, and try to suggest the body with its long undulating lines under the folds of a black dress. Then I am a thousand miles away from C. M., J. P. S., and H. G. T., and much happier. But - alas, then the worries come and I must either talk or write about money, and then it all begins anew. Then I think T. and C. M. would do so much better if they didn't bother about my “path,” but encouraged my drawing.
Letter 193
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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So be it – and yet, confound it!
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
Were I to be told for certain that you are withdrawing your support, I should be rendered powerless. With the best will in the world my hand would become paralysed - everything would indeed be dreadful then, yes, everything would be terrible. What satisfaction would that give you or anyone else? I should become downhearted and it would go hard with Christien and the child. You may think it's going too far to suppose you capable of doing anything like that, but 'such things can happen.' If this dreadful fate has to befall me - so be it. Though it hangs over my head, I can say nothing other than: I have pledged Christien my troth and she has pledged me hers, and we do not have it in us to break this pledge.
And yet - confound it - what's happening? - and what sort of times do we live in? - wake up, Theo! Don't let them confuse you or sway you with their Jesuitisms. Do I deserve being left in the lurch by you because I have helped a pregnant woman and will not send her back on to the streets? Is that a capital offence???
Letter 198
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I shall keep my pledge
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
But if you should now say, 'Vincent, you're going to have a dreadful time and terrible worries,' then what I shall reply is, yes. Brother, I'm well aware of that, you are right, but, my dear fellow, what I would find even worse would be the feeling deep down inside of: 'You have treacherously abandoned that woman whom you met in the winter, pregnant and sick, and have thrown her back on to the cruel cobblestones once more.' That is not going to be said about me, and you will realize by now that it isn't 'obstinacy' on my part or 'wantonly having it my own way,' but that I must stand by Christien, that I have pledged her my troth and that I shall keep my pledge.
Letter 198
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The bitter struggle
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
Now the very pace of life is driving and urging me on, as well as the work, and the new things that crop up and which I must tackle with a will if I want to hold my own in the bitter struggle. Taking things lying down is what I did in years gone by, taking action and being alert is what I do now, having found my work and my vocation.
Letter 198
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I have the gift of drawing
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
I shall be like a workman with a trade in which she is my assistant. My drawings are in your hands and for the first year at least my bread and hers will depend on you and on all those who are willing to help me, because you can see that I am doing my best and that I have the gift of drawing, and I believe of painting as well, which little by little will become more evident.
Letter 198
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Otherwise there will be something false
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
Now as you know, when I met Christien she was pregnant, ill, left out in the cold. I was alone, and had just had the experience in Amsterdam I wrote to you about. I started it - though not immediately with marriage in mind. However, when I got to know her better, it became obvious to me that if I wanted to help her I must set about it more seriously.
Then I spoke to her frankly and said, I think about this and that, in such and such a way, I see your position and mine in such and such a way. I am poor - but I am no seducer. Will you be able to put up with me? Otherwise there isn't any point in going on.
At which she said, I want to be with you, no matter how poor you are.
And that is how it all came about. And before very long now she will be going to Leyden and I should like to marry her without any fuss straight after that. Because otherwise there will be something false about her position and mine, which I most decidedly wish to avoid.
Letter 198
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I will not force and I will not forsake
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
That man's behavior made him guilty before God, although in the eyes of the world he had kept up his position, ‘had paid her off.’ But at the moment when he faced death, do you imagine he felt no regret and remorse???
Now, in this world, the characters of people like him come up against characters like, say, mine. I care as little for the world as the aforesaid person cared for what is right. The semblance of doing right was enough for him. As for me, I wouldn't give you tuppence for the world's opinion. What comes first and foremost with me is this: I will not deceive or forsake a woman. If a woman refuses to have anything to do with me, like Kee Vos, I don't try to force her, no matter how strong my passion. I turn away with desolation in my heart the moment my own ‘she and no other’ is met by her ‘certainly not him.’
I will not force and I will not forsake. And I, too, protest when I myself am forced or forsaken.
Letter 198
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The world goes no further than its feet will take it
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 14 May 1882
A great deal of what I read in your letter I certainly appreciate very much, for instance, ‘One must be narrow-minded or hypocritical to set one class without question above another.’
The world, however, does not reason like that and never sees or respects man's ‘humanity’ but only the greater or lesser value of the money or goods he carries with him so long as he is on this side of the grave. The world takes no account at all of what happens beyond the grave. That is why the world goes no further than its feet will take it.
For my part, however, I feel sympathy or antipathy for men just as men, and their circumstances leave me relatively indifferent.
Letter 198
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I like to look things in the face
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12 or 13 May 1882
I like to look things in the face, whether adversity or prosperity. I have your answer on the problem of Mauve and Tersteeg, not on the other one. That is something quite apart - there is a barrier between artistic and personal matters - but it is right to settle how we look at those things beforehand.
And therefore I say to you:
Theo, I intend to marry this woman, to whom I am attached and who is attached to me. If unfortunately this should bring about a change in your feeling toward me, I hope you will not withdraw your help without giving me warning some time in advance, and that you will always tell me frankly and openly what you think. Of course, I hope that your help and sympathy will in no way be withdrawn, but that we shall continue to join hands like brothers, notwithstanding things which the “world” opposes.
Letter 197
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A lowly station on the road of life
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12 or 13 May 1882
Considering it superficially, you would perhaps view the affair with Christine quite differently from what it really is. But when you have read this letter and the previous one, it will be easier for you to understand.
I wish those who mean well by me would understand that my actions stem from a deep feeling and need for love, that recklessness and pride and indifference are not the springs which move the machine, and this step is proof of my taking root in a lowly station on the road of life. I do not think I should do well to aim for a higher station or to try to change my character. I must have much more experience, I must learn still more, before I shall be ripe, but that is a question of time and perseverance.
Letter 197
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Regular weekly wages, that would be delightful
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12 or 13 May 1882
Because I see so many weak ones trodden down, I greatly doubt the sincerity of much of what is called progress and civilization. I do believe in civilization, even in a time like this, but only in the kind that is founded on real humanity. I think whatever destroys human life is barbarous, and I do not respect it. Well, enough of this. If it might be that I could rent the house next door and could have regular weekly wages, that would be delightful. If it cannot be, I will not lose courage and will wait awhile longer. But if it can be, I should be so happy, and it would save much of my strength for work, which is otherwise absorbed by cares.
Letter 197
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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“It is better this way”
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12 or 13 May 1882
I have no great plans for the future; if momentarily I feel rising within me the desire for a life without care, for prosperity, each time I go fondly back to the trouble and the cares, to a life full of hardship, and think, It is better this way; I learn more from it, it does not degrade me, this is not the road on which one perishes. I am absorbed in my work and I have confidence enough so that with the help of such as you, Mauve, Tersteeg - though we disagreed last winter - I will succeed in earning enough to keep myself, not in luxury, but as one who eats his bread in the sweat of his brow.
Letter 197
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Using a storm to make headway
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12 or 13 May 1882
In life it is the same as in drawing - one must sometimes act quickly and decisively, attack a thing with energy, trace the outlines as quickly as lightning.
This is not time for hesitation or doubt; the hand must not tremble, nor must the eye wander, but remain fixed on what is before one. And one must be so absorbed in it that in a short time something has been brought onto the paper or the canvas which was not there before, in such a way that later one hardly knows how it was hammered off. The period of discussing and thinking must precede the decisive action. There is little room for reflection or argument in the action itself.
To act quickly is the function of a man, and one has to go through much before one is able to do it. The pilot sometimes succeeds in using a storm to make headway, instead of being wrecked by it.
Letter 197
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My work lies in the heart of the people
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12 or 13 May 1882
I feel that my work lies in the heart of the people, that I must keep close to the ground, that I must grasp life in its depths, and make progress through many cares and troubles.
I can't think of any other way. I do not ask to be free from trouble or care, I only hope the latter will not become unbearable, and this need not be the case as long as I can work and keep the sympathy of people like you.
Letter 197
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Like any laborer
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 4-12 May 1882
You know what I want: just enough to live on, but I don't care for more than that. What I should like best would be to have fixed weekly wages, like any laborer, for which I should work with all my strength and energy.
Being a laborer, I feel at home in the laboring class, and more and more I will try to live and take root there.
I cannot do otherwise, I do not want to do otherwise, I cannot understand any other way.
Letter 194
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I thought I would be understood without words
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3-12 May 1882
Last winter I met a pregnant woman, deserted by the man whose child she was carrying. A pregnant woman who walked the streets in the winter - she had her bread to earn, you'll know how. I took that woman on as a model and have worked with her all winter. I couldn't pay her a model's full daily wages, but I paid her rent all the same, and thus far, thank God, I have been able to save her and her child from hunger and cold by sharing my own bread with her. . . .
It strikes me that any man worth his salt would have done the same in a case like this. . . .
I could not do otherwise, I did what was ready to hand, I worked. I thought I would be understood without words. To be sure I thought of another woman for whom my heart was beating - but she was far away and did not want to see me, and this one - there she was, walking about sick, pregnant and hungry - in winter. I could not do otherwise. Mauve, Theo, Tersteeg, you people have my livelihood in your hands, are you going to reduce me to beggary, turn your backs on me? Now I have spoken and wait for whatever else will be said to me.
Letter 192
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I cannot look at a brush
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3-12 May 1882
I am filled with zest and ambition for my job and my work, and the reason why I have put aside paintings and watercolors for a time is that Mauve's desertion gave me a great shock, and if he sincerely retracted I should start again with renewed courage.
At the moment I cannot look at a brush, it makes me nervous.
Letter 192
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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“I am an artist”
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3-12 May 1882
Mauve takes it amiss that I said, ‘I am an artist,’ which I won't take back, because it's self-evident that what that word implies is looking for something all the time without ever finding it in full. It is the very opposite of saying, ‘I know all about it, I've already found it.’ As far as I am concerned, the word means, ‘I am looking, I am hunting for it, I am deeply involved.’
Letter 192
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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You will be quite reconciled to the technique
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 May 1882
I have had no “guidance or teaching” from others to speak of, but taught myself; no wonder my technique, considered superficially, differs from that of others. But that's no reason for my work to remain unsaleable. I feel pretty sure that the large “Sorrow,” “The Old Woman of the Geest,” the “Old Man,” and others, will find a purchaser someday. But maybe I shall work a little more on them later. I have worked on the “Laan van Meerdervoort” again. In front of me is a drawing of a woman in a black merino dress; I know for sure that after you have had it for a few days, you will be quite reconciled to the technique, and not wish it were done differently. I did not understand the English drawings the first day either, but “I took the trouble to become acquainted with them,” and have not regretted it.
Letter 195
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Out of twenty drawings one is successful
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 May 1882
Those you think the best ought to be mounted in grey, and so by degrees you will get a small collection. . . .
I am not saying this to hurry you, but it will do no harm to think it over. You began to help me without knowing what the result would be and when others refused their help. I should be glad if the result were that you could say quite coolly to those who think it foolish of you to help me that you have not lost by it. And that stimulates me to work even harder, and I think you must begin to take a few drawings, and every month I will send some more. There are days when I make five of them, but one has to count on the fact that out of twenty drawings one is successful. But that one of the twenty is no accident - I can count on it. There will be one every week, of which I feel, it will last.
It is better if you keep those that are “lasting” for the present than if I sell them for 10 guilders to somebody here who takes them out of pity or charity.
Letter 195
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The thing I value most is your sympathy
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 May 1882
The thing I value most is your sympathy. If I win that, the selling will follow.
But that sympathy of yours cannot be forced by either you or me. I think I can produce a great deal - I mean I can work quickly, without dawdling. After you returned the old studies as I asked you, I sent you two new ones (“Laan van Meerdervoort” and “Sorrow”) to prove I can do more if you like them. If you say it is not ripe yet, I will work on without sending them; what I sent was no accident - I am really able to do what I'm doing now. I shall have to study for some time to do better. But what I want to say is: If the last ones I have sent you are good enough for you to show, then I can begin to send what I have ready.
Letter 195
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The will in me must be the making of things
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 May 1882
I think nothing in my work indicates I shall fail, if I only can continue to work and do my best. And I am not a person who works slowly or irresolutely. Drawing becomes a passion with me, and I throw myself into it more and more; and where there's a will, there's a way.
Where there is a will, there is a way, but it must come from both sides. The will in me must be the making of things; the will in those who have or might get sympathy for me must be the buying or selling of those things. The will being there, I think the way may be found.
But if everybody talked like Tersteeg about “unsaleable” and “without charm,” heaps of annoyances would be in store for me. However this may be, I will try even harder to conquer the “unsaleable” and “without charm.”
Letter 195
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I shall manage
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 May 1882
Suppose I began today a drawing of a digger, for instance, but he said, I must go, I will not or cannot pose any longer. As I had begun to draw him without asking his permission, I have no right to be angry with him for leaving me with an unfinished drawing. But must I now give up drawing a digger entirely?
I think not, especially if tomorrow I may meet another who says, I will come not just today, but tomorrow and the day after tomorrow; I understand what you want, do as you like, I have the patience and goodwill to help you. Though I should not then remain true to my first impression, would it have been better to have said, No, I must decidedly have that first digger, even though he says, I cannot and I will not? And once I begin No. 2, I certainly can't work with the thought of No. 1, for then I should not be true to nature; that is the point. . . . I want your help in order to succeed, but I think the expenses would not be more, but rather less than what you have sent these past months.
I will and dare undertake it if I may count on 150 fr. a month for another year.
Well, I hope to earn something besides, and if this fails, I shall have to stint myself, it's true; but I shall manage. And then afterward when that year is past?
Letter 195
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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From within myself
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 May 1882
But I say to myself that it's better to do it in a year than to do it now, because I do not want the beauty to come from the material, but from within myself. When I am a little more advanced I shall occasionally dress up nicely - that means I shall work with a more effective drawing material. And then if only I have some power within me, things will go doubly smoothly and the result will be better than I expected.
But before any success there must first come the hand-to-hand struggle with the things in nature.
Letter 195
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Work on quietly
Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 May 1882
Your letter has given me more light than all my own worry and fretting about that problem of Mauve and Tersteeg. I congratulate you on finding it out, for now I think I understand it better. And if I understand you correctly, the only thing I have to do is to work on quietly without worrying and thinking about it as much as I did. If I think too much about it, I get that same dizzy feeling which you say a person who has not studied perspective gets, when he tries to follow the fugitive lines in a landscape and to account for them.
And just as the whole perspective changes with the shifted position of the eye, which does not depend on the object, but on the man who is looking (whether he stoops or stands on an elevation), so I think the change in Mauve and Tersteeg has been in part only imaginary, and can be accounted for by my own state of mind. I do not see clearly in such things, but your letter showed me distinctly that there is no reason for me to worry if only I work on. And now enough of this, there are other things I want to write about.
Letter 195
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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