Keep courage and grind on

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 May 1883

Well, I came back from Rappard's full of plans and full of hope, because there I saw the fruits of the studies already - that is to say, combinations of different figures in more important compositions. That is what I can expect too. But it takes time, and in the meantime one must go on making new studies after the model. The good things can be separated from among them. The best of our arrangement is that the studies are kept together, either by you or by me - let us keep courage and grind on.

Letter 286
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I myself cannot judge

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 May 1883

I wish you would bring my old studies with you when you come.

I think if you saw all the things together, you would choose differently, and, when you are here, I hope we can select the things you would like to have, so that they form a whole. I myself cannot judge whether some of my studies are finished enough to be worthy of being kept anywhere else but in my studio.

Letter 286
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Sometimes with a kind of fury

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 May 1883

But, Theo, the work brings so many expenses: and in many things I haven't the free hand that would be necessary. Of course, the household costs are heavy too. One needs food and clothes, there is also the studio rent; well, but it certainly has cheered me that Rappard likes several things I've done, and now that I've seen what his own work is like, I am even more glad that some of my things pleased him.

I am always afraid of not working enough; I think I can do so much better still, and that is what I am striving for, sometimes with a kind of fury.

Letter 286
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"The sweat of thy brow"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 May 1883

I am glad you are having a good time just now - "Le Paradou" must have been glorious indeed. Yes, I should not mind trying my hand at such a thing and I do not doubt you two would be very good models.

However, I prefer to see diggers digging, and have found glory outside Paradise, where one thinks more of the severer: "Thou shalt eat thy bread in the sweat of thy brow."

But I think the beauty of one increases when compared to the other.

Letter 286
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The modern Gospel

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 21 May 1883

What I think excellent too is that one sees books in your studio: Hugo, Zola, Dickens - figure painter's books. I shall send you Erckmann-Chatrian's Histoire d'un Paysan. The French Revolution - that is the central point - the Constitution of 1789 being the modern Gospel, no less sublime than that of 1 A.D. And how one can be a figure painter without feeling something of it is incomprehensible to me - and I find a certain emptiness in these figure painters' studios where the modern writings are absent.

Letter R35
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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As a whole

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 21 May 1883

Here follows a passage from Dickens that expresses forcefully what goes on in the mind of a figure painter while he is working on a composition:

"I was occupied with this story during many working hours of two years. I must have been very ill employed, if I could not leave its merits and demerits as a whole to express themselves on its being read as a whole. But, as it is not unreasonable to suppose that I may have held its various threads with a more continuous attention than any one else can have given to them during its desultory publication, it is not unreasonable to ask that the weaving may be looked at in its complete state, and with the pattern finished" - Preface, Little Dorrit.

Here you are, my dear friend, beautifully expressed, how a figure painter deserves to be looked at - as a whole.

This is how I looked at your work today, and my sympathy for you was confirmed by it. And as for you, I want you to go on looking at me as a whole too, which many others don't do.

Letter R35
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Mauve between two art dealers

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 20 May 1883

Well, adieu, I hope your letter will arrive soon, for I have gone through my money again. I saw Arnold in town with somebody else, perhaps Trip, they were walking with Mauve, but I saw them only from a distance. As Mauve was in the middle, it reminded me of "Christ between Two Thieves", or the group silhouetted against a sunny wall made me think of somebody arrested by two policemen.

However, these are merely imaginings, "things as they might be seen."

Letter 285
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I made him draw many things

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 20 May 1883

These last days, or rather weeks, I have had the very pleasant company of a young land surveyor who tried his hand at drawing. He once showed me drawings, which I thought very bad, and I told him why I thought them so bad.

Of course I never expected to hear from him again after that; but one day he returned - he has more leisure now, might he come with me to work outdoors? Well, Theo, the fellow has got the knack of landscape drawing so well that at present he brings home really charming sketches of meadow, wood and dune. . . .

The things he made before I knew him were horrible daubs, most of them hideous. I began by telling him that at first he had to confine himself to drawing for some time. I made him draw many things which he did not like at all, but he trusted me in this. Now this morning he asked me if he couldn't try his hand at painting again, and now it came off very well, and he has scraped off all his old things.

Letter 285
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The knack of making watercolors

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 20 May 1883

Among the blocks I ordered with Rappard's money is also one for watercolors; I tried it at once, a cottage in the dunes with a wheelbarrow, etc., in the foreground, and a small figure of a digger in the background. Oh, Theo, some day or other I shall surely get the knack of making watercolors.

Letter 285
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I too fail sometimes

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 9 May 1883

Well, my woman no longer walks on a path of flowers, as she did when she was younger and went her own way and followed her instincts. But life has become more thorny for her, has become a path of tears, especially last year but this year has thorns too, and so will the years to come - but with perseverance she will get over it.

But sometimes there is a crisis - especially when I venture to reprove her for some fault which I have had my eye on for a long time. So for instance, to give you an example, mending the clothes and making clothes for the children herself. But the result is that one day she takes it up, and in this respect, as in many others, she has already improved greatly. I still have to change so many things in myself, too; she must find in me an example of diligence and patience, and it is damned difficult, brother, to act so that one can indirectly be an example to somebody else, and I too fail sometimes. I must raise myself to a higher level in order to rouse new impulses in her.

Letter 284
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The more one loves

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

I just can't believe that a painter should have no other task and no other duty than painting only. What I mean to say is, whereas many consider, for instance, reading books and such things that they call a waste of time, on the contrary, I am of the opinion that, far from causing one to work less or less well, rather it makes one work more and better to try to broaden one's mind in a field that is so closely allied with this work - and that at any rate it is a matter of importance, which greatly influences one's work, from whatever point of view one looks at things, and whatever conception one may have of life.

I believe that the more one loves, the more one will act; for love that is only a feeling I would never recognize as love.

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I won't fight them

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

I am very sorry you did not come after all, but that is not your fault. I have had some scruples up to now about going to you, because so many would rather have my room than my company, and also because I think visiting an unpleasant chore in general. And here in The Hague this is partly because I have taken the woman and her two children into my house, and they think that for decency's sake they must not associate with me at all. But having heard from yourself your conditional opinion, which is so different from the behavior of others, I think I can drop my scruples.

I act in this way: if anybody avoids me on account of this, I do not seek his company; I prefer staying away somewhere to not being welcome. The more so because I can make allowances a little, a very little, just a tiny wee little bit, for the prejudice of those who consider, or try to consider, only the social conventions, for which reason I leave them alone, especially as I look upon it as a weakness, so that I won't fight them, or at least I won't attack them.

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One seeking something true and sound

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

If I object to a certain new style, this certainly does not refer to the style of Israels, Mauve, Maris - no. No! This is the best style, in my opinion, but something has resulted from it recently which - though there seems to be a resemblance - is in utter contradiction to the style of these masters, and that is what I disapprove of. Van der Weele, for instance, is more serious and keeps to the straight path. I saw his studies last Sunday.

Now I believe that the path you are following is straight too, but I'm not sure that certain things are not divergences in the direction I mentioned just now. I am quite willing to take this opinion back - but it is my impression. Well, I for my part am also trying to find the path I think best, let's say the path of Israels, Mauve, Maris - I have no idea how far I have progressed on it - and know even less how far I shall progress on it - but I have done my best and shall go on doing my best. And this being so, it is as far from my intention as the north is from the south to object to your decorations in the manner or the tone of a schoolmaster; but, on the contrary, I do so as one who is himself seeking after something true and sound - and serious - not because I have found it already, but serious because I am searching for it myself too.

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I intend to do

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

To my mind, my dear friend, there are some things that take precedence over private affairs and private difficulties. The latter are not really my motive in being eager to speak with you. . . .

I cannot conceal the fact that, speaking for myself, I do not see the future very clearly, and that I deem it doubtful whether I shall be able to carry out what I intend to do. The fact is that I want to consult you in the hope of getting some enlightenment. I believe that you have an eye for my work in some way, and in some cases your judgment would be very useful to me, for instance in helping me to organize the studies I have of a certain subject into a definite whole. At the present moment I have a lot of studies, and I have in mind a vague conception of two or three more imposing compositions, for which I shall probably be able to find the greater part of the subject matter in my studies.

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A time for being severe

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

Don't get the idea that I object to all ornaments and decorations - but I object to them at present and under the circumstances which confront us in Holland nowadays. I do not object to a certain surplus of vigor being wasted in this direction during a time of great animation and energy and renascence. But I object to it in times when the general atmosphere isn't one of animation and energy - especially among the younger generation; let the man who has energy concentrate - there is a time for gaiety, but also a time for being severe. It is really necessary not to share that particular feeling of security of those who think all is going well, which is the convention nowadays, and which can easily lead to a new periwig-and-pigtail era of taking it easy and letting things slide.

When there is decadence - then no ornaments, if you please - but a striving after spiritual communion with "the old ones of yesterday," ignoring the present.

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What one might be

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

Do you share my opinion about your responsibility and about what depends on your position? - I'm not quite sure. There are two viewpoints for everyone: what one is and what one might be. In my opinion we must not shut ourselves up in the former with a "clear" conscience. The latter we must consider a formidable reality superior to our feelings; for, however imperfect and full of faults we may be, we shall never be justified in secretly concealing the ideal and all that approaches the eternal, as if all that were none of our business. For a number of reasons I consider your position very important under the present circumstances. Perhaps this makes me feel gloomier toward you. I ask myself, "What shall I do? Whose side is he on?"

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A sharpshooter of the vanguard

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

By all means economize your strength in this sense, that you do not expend your energy on things that do not lead you straight to your goal.

. . . It is wasting gunpowder and bullets on something that may very well be worth a shot fired by someone who has a well-filled cartridge box and can fill it again when it's empty - but, my dear friend, not a cartridge fired by a sharpshooter of the vanguard on whose alertness important things may depend, and whose position has laid a greater responsibility on his shoulders than on those of others.

What is permitted to others may be reprehensible in you, the better being in this case the enemy of the good. Ergo, beware of the better.

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"Whosoever shall lose his life"

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 8 May 1883

In a certain sense there is something peculiar in the constitution of every painter. Temporary fits of weakness, nervousness, melancholy are often caused by the exertion of working; but at the same time there is something like a rebound, so that weakness, etc., may be overcome again by exertion.

. . . I'll tell you frankly that sometimes I feel clearly that these two forces of exhaustion and reinforcement in my constitution are there through one and the same cause - the exertion of working. And I have so much faith in this, not only for myself but also for others, that last year, for instance, when I was ill, I boldly disregarded some of the doctor's advice, not because I thought his advice wrong, or because I thought I knew better, but because I reasoned like this, "Life means painting to me and not so much preserving my constitution." Sometimes the mysterious words "Whosoever shall lose his life shall find it" are as clear as daylight.

Letter R34
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Trifles take on the biggest proportions

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 4-6 May 1883

I saved up a stamp on purpose, to be able to write to you once more. . . .

If you are strained yourself, send me less than usual if it must be; but send it as soon as possible. For next week I have an arrangement with Van der Weele to go and paint in the dunes - he will show me a few things which I do not know yet.

I have been working in the dunes for some days, but I long for a model: otherwise I cannot go on.

In short, I feel rather worried. So write as soon as possible. As for the work, I am getting on pretty well, and I think you would like some of the drawings I have on hand now.

. . . Write soon, boy, for it is very unpleasant to be without a cent. It makes trifles take on the biggest proportions.

Letter 283
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The difficulties are often brain-wracking

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When your money arrived this morning, I had been without money - absolutely without a penny - for about a week. Besides, all my drawing material was used up. . . .

I am very, very sorry I have to ask for it, but if there is the slightest possibility, send me another 10 francs. A week's work depends on it, for I cannot expect an answer from Rappard right away. I am already hard up, and have made arrangements with models. After Rappard sends me the money, the time will come when things will run smoothly again. If you can send it, this week will pass without a hitch; if not, the damage will be unpleasant. But do not be angry with me; it was a combination of expenses, all strictly necessary, which I could not avoid. And if you cannot send it - well, it will not kill us. The difficulties in small matters, even when small sums of money are involved, are often really brain-wracking, and this is such a case. I hope Rappard will be able to help me a little, for I need it as much as a meadow needs the rain after a long drought.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I thought that so nice

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

I am working on several things just now which I must carry through; but really I am very hard up. You write about Rappard - I am so sorry that he did not come when he wrote he would. If I asked him to advance me something, I am sure he would not refuse. For he himself proposed it this winter, but then he fell ill . . . . I remember his father wrote: "My son is ill, but I know about it; if you are perhaps in difficulties, I will advance you the money."

I thought that so nice of Rappard's father that it would have been indelicate of me to have accepted it at that moment. So I wrote him, "Thank you, let us wait for the recovery of your son."

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Such strained relations

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When I think back to May of last year, Theo, the year has not been exactly easy or free from care for me, has it? But that doesn't matter. To be without care or trouble has indeed never been my ideal or intention. But things have not been exactly easy for me.

What you send me is not little but much; but though it was perhaps much more than you could really spare yourself, I assure you that going on and making progress with my work, and keeping the household going, is not child's play for the woman and me. Now it is sometimes very hard on me that because of such strained relations, I must avoid the very persons with whom, for my work, I ought to be directly or indirectly in touch. And I wish it were peacefully settled.

Well - for the moment I cannot change it.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I so greatly want

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 30 May 1882

Today or tomorrow being the 1st of June, I promised to pay my landlord 5 guilders rent of studio for the month of April + 7.50 guilders for last month, makes 12.50 guilders.

But not having up to now received any letter of yours since that of May 12th, I have nothing to pay him his twelve guilders and 50 c. with. The man will surely not give me any longer delay, but they can immediately sell my furniture publicly. Whatever may be your opinion concerning the things I told you do not let it come to this scandal, my drawings for C. M. are ready, but I shall not be able to get that money early enough. I say again, let us at all events avoid irregularity and public scandal, and talk and write calmly on the subject, till we know what ought to be done. Therefore I hope you will send me what I so greatly want, and will write. I work day and night, and have a small drawing ready for you, which I will send by and by. I have no money for a stamp, excuse the postcard.

Letter 203
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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In my eyes she is beautiful

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, 28 May 1882

I am very much pleased with the model I have; I mean that woman who was in my studio when you were here, for she is learning more every day, and understands me. . . .

Oh, there is gossip enough, because I am always in her company, but why should that bother me? - I never had such a good assistant as this ugly (???), faded woman. In my eyes she is beautiful, and I find in her exactly what I want; her life has been rough, and sorrow and adversity have put their marks upon her - now I can do something with her.

When the earth is not plowed, you can get no harvest from it. She has been plowed - and so I find more in her than in a crowd of unplowed ones.

Letter R08
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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She understands me

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, 28 May 1882

Rather interesting too are the public soup kitchens and under all circumstances the third-class waiting rooms. If I did not have to make city views for a living, I would do nothing but figure drawings these days, but I have not found anybody who would buy them, and regularly I have to pay for models, though now and then I can get people to pose for nothing.

I am very much pleased with the model I have; I mean that woman who was in my studio when you were here, for she is learning more every day, and understands me. For instance, when something goes wrong and I fly into a rage and get up and say, "Damn it, it's all wrong!" or something even worse than that, she does not take it as a personal affront, as of course most others would, but lets me calm down and start all over again. And she undergoes the tedious work of finding the right light and the right pose patiently. So I think her a honey.

Letter R08
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I hate skepticism and sentimentality

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, 28 May 1882

Speaking for myself, I hate skepticism just as much as sentimentality; I do not want to suggest that the artists here are skeptics or cynics, but sometimes they seem to be, and take on a certain air of it, whereas confronted with nature they are as serious and devout as can be. However, I often catch myself making the same mistake, after which I lapse into sentimentality on the rebound, more than I ever intend to, so that I have hardly a right to criticize them.

How much that is beautiful - in the sense of picturesque - is disappearing these days! The other day I read something by the son of Charles Dickens; he said, "If my father were to come back, he would find little of the London he described, the 'old' London is disappearing - is being 'sanified.'" And in our country it is just the same - those nice little courts - they are being replaced by rows of houses, in the highest degree unpicturesque, unless they are still being built, for then they are, what with the sheds and scaffolding and workmen, very pleasant to look at.

Letter R08
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"Ça ira encore"

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, 28 May 1882

And then the "Carpenter's Shed" - taken from the window of my studio - by working on it with pen and ink I have brought a new kind of black into it, and now “the sun is shining,” because the lights show up more strongly. Today I was at it quite early, for I wanted to make another one like it, and went to the dunes to draw a fish-drying barn, also seen from a height like the carpenter's shed, and now it is nearly one o'clock in the night, but, thank God, everything is finished, and I can look my redoubtable landlord in the face without fear. And so "ça ira encore" -

Letter R08
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Getting on better with people

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c 15 May 1884

Recently I have been getting on better with people here than I did at first, which is of great importance to me, for one decidedly needs some distraction, and if one feels too lonely, the work always suffers from it; however, perhaps one must be prepared for it not to last.

But I feel quite optimistic about it, it seems to me that in general the people in Nuenen are better than those in Etten or Helvoirt; there is more sincerity here, at least that is my impression after having been here for some time.

It is true the people here look at things from a clergyman's point of view, but in such a way that I, for my part, don't feel any scruple in putting up with it.

Letter 368
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If you do not forsake me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

I hope you have received the drawings I sent I think about May 10. There were twenty-five of them in a portfolio; I have not heard from you about them.

I do wish there were a few other people for whom I could do something on the same conditions as C. M.'s. And especially that C. M. continues to order, for these drawings are much better than the first, and by and by I shall do them even better. And at that price he certainly isn't getting a bad bargain.

You know how it is: if you do not forsake me because of Sien, then I shall be full of courage. And at four in the morning I am already at my work, so I shall get through with a little sympathy from those who know me. I am longing for your letter, a handshake in thought, but do write soon and deliver me from the landlord.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It will perhaps be sold for 50 guilders

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

Rappard's visit has cheered me up; he seems to work very hard.

I have received 2.50 guilders from him because he saw a tear in one of the drawings and said, You must have that repaired.

That's true, I said, but I haven't the money, and the drawing must be sent off.

Then he readily said that he would be pleased to give me it; he would have given even more, but I wouldn't take it, and gave him a whole lot of wood engravings and a drawing in exchange. It was one for C. M., and as it was the best of them all, the money to have it repaired was very welcome. That same drawing will perhaps be sold afterward for 50 guilders or so, and I didn't have the money to have a tear in it repaired.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Deliver me from the landlord

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

But, brother, it has been a hard fortnight for me. When I wrote you about the middle of May, I had only 3 or 3.50 guilders left after I had paid the baker; and I have had hardly anything to eat but dry black bread with some coffee, . . . .

Now I have to pay the house rent on the first of June, and I have nothing, literally nothing. I hope you will send something.

A week ago I felt very faint from continuous sleeplessness. Now that I have had some luck with a few drawings and the order for C. M. is almost finished, I have new courage and am a little calmer.

But, brother, do write to me soon and deliver me from the landlord, for you know he won't be put off.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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