What I lack is practice

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 28 January 1886

When I compare a study of mine with those of the other fellows, it is curious to see that they have almost nothing in common. Theirs have about the same color as the flesh, so, seen close up, they are very correct - but if one stands back a little, they appear painfully flat - all that pink and delicate yellow, etc., etc., soft in itself, produces a harsh effect. The way I do it, from near by it is greenish-red, yellowish-gray, white-black and many neutral tints and most of them colors one cannot define. But when one stands back a little it emerges from the paint, and there is airiness around it, and a certain vibrating light falls on it. At the same time, the least little touch of color which one may use as highlight is effective in it.

But what I lack is practice, I must paint about fifty of them; I think I shall have reached something then. Now I put the colors on somewhat too painstakingly, because I haven't had enough practice; I must hesitate too long, and so I work the life out of it. But that is a question of time, of exercise, till the touch becomes more immediately correct, the better one has it fixed in one's mind.

I find here the friction of ideas I want. I get a fresh look at my own work, can judge better where the weak points are, which enables me to correct them.

Letter 447
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The work depends on it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 22 January 1886

Next Monday we shall get new models; in fact, then I shall begin in earnest, and for Monday I ought to have had a large canvas; they also told me that I must definitely have other brushes, etc.

But I haven't any money left, so it is really pressing, and I wish you would do what you can, for I am also doing what I can, and almost all the time it is such that hardly anything is left for food.

It would be a relief to me if I could have your letter before Monday. What I wrote you about the clothes I want is also rather urgent. I have already made a few acquaintances who have seen the things I had brought for the admission.

I do not think I can take a shorter cut to make progress, and whether I go to the country afterward or to a studio in Paris, at all events it is a good thing to see many others paint, and specially to work regularly from the model as much as ever is possible.

Goodbye, I write you in a hurry because I must get to work. But try your best not to keep me waiting, for the work depends on it, and I assure you in any case it will be hard enough for me.

Letter 446
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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To stay here a long time

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 22 January 1886

I have now been painting at the academy for a few days, and I must say that I like it pretty well. Especially because there are all kinds of painters there, and I see them work in the most varied ways, something I have never experienced before - I mean seeing others work.

It would be by far the best thing for me to stay here a long time, for their models are good, and it will save a great deal of expenses of painting and models, and it is much more difficult than you seem to know, especially if one works alone. But let's hope that in this way things will improve.

Letter 446
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Mine are totally different

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, mid-January 1886

I have arranged with Vinck (a pupil of Leys's by whom I saw things in the manner of Leys, medieval) to draw works of antiquity in the evening.

I have been drawing there for two evenings already, and I must say that I believe that just for the making of, for instance, peasant figures, it is very useful to draw from the plaster casts. But for goodness' sake, not the way it is usually done. In fact, in my opinion the drawings that I see there are all hopelessly bad and absolutely wrong, and I know for sure that mine are totally different. Time must show who is right.

The feeling of what ancient sculpture is, damn it, not one of them has it.

Well, probably the academic gentlemen will accuse me of heresy, but never mind.

Letter 445
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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As long as the painting flourishes

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, mid-January 1886

But just consider whether, if I must go and work there or anywhere else, it is necessary for me to do something about my clothes, for I have worn mine for two years now, and especially of late they have had much wear and tear. Even a suit for some 40 fr. would do.

Therefore try, as I asked you, to send me another 50 fr., then I can keep going till the end of the month, and could buy a new pair of trousers and a waistcoat at once, and the coat in February.

It is very cold here, and most of the time I feel far from well, but as long as the painting flourishes, it doesn't matter so much.

I feel in high spirits notwithstanding all, just because it refreshes me to be in all kinds of conditions so disparate from those in the country, and it may be that I shall feel at home here after all.

Letter 445
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Just for practice

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, mid-January 1886

Then I have to go and see two fellows about portraits; I do not know what the result will be.

One is a question of two portraits of a couple of very beautiful hussies, types with dark eyes, dark hair, two sisters, who I suppose are kept women.

And the other one is a portrait of a married woman. But I repeat, there is nothing definite, and it may come to nothing.

But I know that eventually I would be willing to do them for nothing, just for practice.

Letter 445
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Contact with people

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, mid-January 1886

I want to tell you that Verlat has at last seen my work, and when he saw the two landscapes and the still life that I had brought from the country, he said, “Yes, but that does not concern me”; when I showed him the two portraits he said, “That is different, if it is figure painting, you may come.” So tomorrow I shall start working in the academy's painting class.

Besides, I have arranged with Vinck (a pupil of Leys's by whom I saw things in the manner of Leys, medieval) to draw works of antiquity in the evening.

I think neither of these things will do me harm, and perhaps can be of some use to me either in painting or in drawing. And at all events, it is an attempt to come into contact with people. In the painting and drawing class I saw in passing several fellows my age at work.

Letter 445
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Freedom of action

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

I begin to object more and more to your pretending to be a financier, and thinking me exactly the opposite. All people are not alike, and if one does not understand that in drawing up accounts some time must have passed over the account before one can be sure to have counted right, if one does not understand this, one is no calculator. And a broader insight into finances is exactly what characterizes many modern financiers. Namely not pinching, but allowing freedom of action.

I know, Theo, that you may also be rather hard up. But your life has never been so hard as mine has these last ten or twelve years. Can't you make allowances for me when I say, Perhaps it has been long enough now? Meanwhile I have learned something that I did not know before, that has renewed all my chances, and I protest against my always being neglected. And if I should like to live again in the city for some time, and afterward perhaps to work in a studio in Paris too, would you try to prevent this?

Be honest enough to let me go my own way, for I tell you that I do not want to quarrel, and I will not quarrel, but I will not be hampered in my career. And what can I do in the country, unless I go there with money for models and colors? There is no chance, absolutely none, of making money with my work in the country, and there is such a chance in the city. So I am not safe before I have made friends in the city - and that comes first. For the moment this may complicate things somewhat, but after all it is the only way, and going back to the country now would end in stagnation.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It has been too hard for me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

And I wish I could make you understand how probable it is that there will be great changes in the art trade. And, consequently, many new chances will present themselves too if one has something original to show.

But that is certainly necessary if one wants to be of some use. It is no fault or crime of mine if I must sometimes tell you we must put more vigor into such and such a thing, and if we haven't got the money ourselves, we must find friends and new relations. I must earn a little more or have some more friends, preferably both. That is the way to success, but recently it has been too hard for me.

At present I am losing weight, and moreover my clothes are getting too shabby, etc. You know yourself that it isn't right as it is. Yet I feel sort of confident that we shall pull through.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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How to fit in

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

I will try hard to make acquaintances here, and I think that if I worked some time, for instance under Verlat, I would learn to know better what is going on here, and how to fit in with the rest.

So let me struggle along my own way, and for Heaven's sake do not lose courage, and do not slacken. I do not think you can reasonably expect me to go back to the country for the sake of perhaps 50 fr. a month less, seeing that the whole series of future years will depend so much on the relations I must establish in town, either here in Antwerp or later on in Paris.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I shall always have an aim

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

When you get right down to it, I'll admit that when one is working exclusively from nature, something more is needed: the facility of composing, the knowledge of the figure, but, after all, I do not believe I have been drudging absolutely in vain all these years. I feel a certain power within me, because wherever I may be, I shall always have an aim - painting people as I see and know them.

Whether impressionism has already had its last say or not - to stick to the term impressionism - I always imagine that many new artists in the figure may arise, and I begin to think it more and more desirable that, in a difficult time like the present, one seeks one's security in the deeper understanding of the highest art.

For there is, relatively speaking, higher and lower art; people are more important than anything else, and are in fact much more difficult to paint, too.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I seek is so straightforward

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

I must finish. What color is in a picture, enthusiasm is in life, therefore - it is no little thing to try to keep that enthusiasm.

You may be of the opinion that I am an impossible character - but that's absolutely your own business. For instance, I need not care, and I am not going to. I know that your business routine induces you again and again to lapse into the old evil with regard to me. What I seek is so straightforward that in the end you cannot but give in. So let's conclude by saying, The sooner the better.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The estrangement drove me crazy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

If I had some friends, if I were a little known, yes, then it would be easier; but I have no friends, and my job is to try and make them.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I went to Antwerp, and how many remarkable things there are here for me, who has been out of it all for so long.

How glad I am to see the city again, much as I like the peasants in the country. How the bringing together of contrasts gives me new ideas - the contrasts between the absolute quiet of the country and the bustle here. I needed it badly.

Always to be in a state of exile, forever having to make great efforts, always half measures. But never mind - the family "stranger than strangers" is one fact - and being through with Holland is a second fact. It is quite a relief.

That is my only feeling, and yet I have been so deeply attached to it all that at first the estrangement drove me crazy. But I have looked over the cards too narrowly to let myself hesitate now. And I have got my self-confidence and my serenity back. The secret of that clique - Delaroche-esqueness, mediocrity. Retrogression - I abhor it!

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We will show that we are men

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

Now, shall we say like impotent dullards and blockheads, "We cannot do it, we have no money - there is nothing doing, I tell you No." This is what we'll say - and please let's both say it together, Personally we will endure poverty for it, and suffer want as long as it is necessary, like one does in a besieged city which one does not intend to surrender, but we will show that we are men.

Either one is brave or one is a coward. We must carry things to such a height that the public begins to like it.

It is not taking trouble that I am afraid of. But I believe that you have so accustomed yourself to thinking it all right that I am always to be neglected that you forget too easily how I have not had my due for so many years already.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I must paint

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

Are you quite satisfied with your own argument when at the beginning of the year you say, to my disappointment, "I have so much to pay, you must try to manage till the end of the month."

Am I less than your creditors? - who must wait, they or I??? If one of us must wait, which belongs to the human possibilities.

Do you realize how heavy are my burdens which the work demands every day, how difficult it is to get the models, how expensive the painting materials are? Do you realize that sometimes it is almost literally impossible for me to keep going? and that I must paint; that too much depends on my continuing to work on here with aplomb immediately and without hesitation?

Too much hesitation might make me fall in a way which I could not redress for a long time. My situation is threatened from every side, and it can only be saved by working on vigorously.

The only way to win at present is with very good work, with something that is not ordinary. That higher work costs more in money, in trouble, and in strenuous exertion; but now more than ever it is the only way.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Simple and true

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

I am working on my portraits all the time, and at last I have made two which are decidedly good "likenesses" (one profile and one three-quarter). That isn't everything, it isn't even the most important thing. But it still seems to me worth while to aim at it, and perhaps it teaches one to draw.

In "The Deposition from the Cross" by Van Dyck, the large one, that one high up - there is also a portrait, decidedly a portrait - not only of a head, but, thank God, of a whole figure, splendid in yellow and lilac, a weeping woman bending over, the torso and the legs under the clothes well and intimately felt and expressed. Then art is high, when it is simple and true.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am not satisfied

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

Let me begin by answering your question of some time ago, about the picture by Francken at St. Andre, which I saw today. I think it is a good picture - especially fine in sentiment - the sentiment is not very Flemish or Rubens-like. It reminds one more of Murillo. The color is warm, in a reddish color scheme like Jordaens sometimes is.

But l imagine I can also do it in that way, and the picture did not tell me anything new. And as I am not satisfied with what I can do now, and try to make progress - enough - let's talk about other pictures.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I think differently

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 31 January 1885

You commit an error if on your part you are unable to understand that your being suspicious of me is positively improper. Most certainly I think differently, I feel differently, I act differently. But it is quite consistent when viewed in its proper relation.

And considering that when I was in Drenthe and I advised you to become a painter, you wrote me that I was speaking about your affairs from afar and I conceded this point, the reverse is most certainly true too, namely that you can only make a wild guess about my doings here. So give up your suspicions, for they are simply improper. And the means must be found in the good progress my work is making - leaving the matter of more or less mutual sympathy out of the question - to be at least inoffensive to each other, however much our ways may run in opposite directions.

Letter 388a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am making progress after all

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 31 January 1885

I have explained to you at great length that the painting of the 50 studies of heads which I intend to do leads to my incurring more expense than usual. And as, by your writing that you are suspicious of me, you yourself are the cause of this, I feel vexed when I think that my being embarrassed every now and then is to be attributed more to this than to anything else. My not selling anything would not worry me so much if only my work could be pushed forward with all possible vigor.

Well, I am doing all I can, and I am making progress after all. You will also have to take back what you said about your suspiciousness. When this will be, you will have to decide for yourself - but I only want to say by way of caution that the ugliest misunderstandings are caused by suspicion.

Letter 388a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I shall keep a straight course

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c 24 January 1885

Though the month is not quite over, my purse is quite empty. I work on as hard as I can, and I for my part think that by constantly studying the model, I shall keep a straight course.

I wish you could send me the money a few days before the 1st for that same reason, that the ends of the month are always hard, because the work brings such heavy expenses, and I don't sell any of it. But this will not go on so for ever, for I work too hard and too much not to arrive eventually at the point of being able to defray my expenses, without being in a dependent position. For the rest, nature outside and the interiors of the cottages, they are splendid in their tone and sentiment just at present; I try hard not to lose time.

Letter 393
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I know no other way

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c 24 January 1885

All the time I am working at various heads and hands.

I have also drawn some again, perhaps you would find something in them, perhaps not, I can't help it. I repeat, I know no other way.

But I can't understand that you say: perhaps later on we shall admire even the things done now.

If I were you, I should have so much self-confidence and independent opinion that I should know whether I could see now what there was or was not in a thing.

Well, you must know those things for yourself.

Letter 393
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Get a faith

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c 24 January 1885

What Michelangelo said in a splendid metaphor, I think Millet has said without metaphor, and Millet can perhaps best teach us to see, and get "a faith." If I do better work later on, I certainly shall not work differently than now, I mean it will be the same apple, though riper; I shall not change my mind about what I have thought from the beginning. And that is the reason why I say for my part: if I am no good now, I shall be no good later on either, but if later on, then now too. For corn is corn, though people from the city may take it for grass at first, and also the other way round.

In any case, whether people approve or do not approve of what I do and how I do it, I for my part know no other way than to wrestle so long with nature that she tells me her secret.

All the time I am working . . .

Letter 393
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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By truly following nature

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c 24 January 1885

When I think how Paul Renouard rose to such a height by working from the very beginning from nature, without imitating others, and how he is none the less in harmony with the very clever people, even in technique, though from the very first he had his own style, I find him again a proof that by truly following nature one's work improves every year.

And I am daily more convinced that people who do not in the first place wrestle with nature never succeed.

I think that if one has tried to follow attentively the great masters, one finds them all back at certain moments, deep in reality - I mean that their so-called creations will be seen by one in reality, if one has the same eyes, the same sentiment as they had. . . . One must look much and long at nature before one comes to the conviction that the most touching things the great masters have painted still find their origin in life and reality itself. A basis of sound poetry, which exists eternally as a fact, and can be found if one digs and seeks deeply enough.

"The durable within the transitory," it exists.

Letter 393
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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For the sake of my progress

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, January 1885

You may look upon my having been at home so long without paying for my board as arrogance or indiscretion on my part. I did this for the sake of my progress in painting, and have not profited from it personally, inasmuch as I still have to pay a rather heavy bill for colors, an extra expense. For the rest, I acknowledge that after all it has been advantageous to me. The reason why I cannot regard the present moment as propitious for making a kind of contract with Father is that under the circumstances it cannot be my intention to stay here much longer. Which I should very much like to do, but I am afraid it will prove impossible. If, however, you should want to make an arrangement with Father of the kind indicated in your letter, then leave me out of it - in other words, let it be purely a matter between you and Father, in which I am not involved.

This letter is meant to tell you explicitly that I utterly refuse to have anything to do with any agreement you might make with Father on the possible payment of board.

Letter 355a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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On the brink of a mental revolution

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

Until late in life one may have, surely as an artist no less than as a "human being" - until late in life one may have a certain stiff, rigid, let's say iron-like way of doing things, and of looking at things, and of working, too - but for all that one may gain, later on in life, gentler, more intelligent, more reasonable, more humane views.

I only want to point out that it is quite possible that as a human being and as a workman you will acquire more of nature, more tranquility, that you will get to be more "your own self." I want to point out that now and then I do think you unnatural. At present this means nothing - and I don't in any way look upon this as your fixed and unchangeable character or state of mind, but as a curious phenomenon. Which I observe with interest and attention for the very reason that I myself have known moments of this state of mind just at a time when I was on the brink of a mental revolution. Ah, well…

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Keeping silent is nearly dissimulation

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

Saying a few words about things is different from forcing them - at certain moments keeping silent about something is nearly identical with dissimulation. I just did not want to do that.

As for the rest, whether isolated or not, I will try to manage so that I can work on; and as to my opinions - I sometimes think of what Taine says, "It seems to me that as far as the worker is personally concerned, he can keep that to himself," so it was probably a mistake on my part not to keep things strictly to myself. And bear in mind that I do not want you to consider the help you give me as a thing you are obliged to do, for you were not obliged to do it in the past, nor are you now, it has been a voluntary thing on your part for which I, for my part, feel, and I repeat, shall certainly always feel, a real obligation to you.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Two brothers

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

I know of an old legend, I don't know of what people, which I love; of course it did not happen literally, but it is a symbol of many things.

In that story, it is said that the human race descends from two brothers.

These two were allowed to choose what they wanted above all things. The one chose gold, and the other chose the book.

The first, who had chosen gold, became prosperous; but the second one fared poorly.

The legend - without explaining exactly why - tells how the man with the book got banished to a cold and miserable country, and got isolated. But in his misery he started reading that book, and he learned things from it. So he managed to make his life more bearable, and invented several things to get out of his difficulties, so that at last he acquired a certain power, but always by working and struggling.

Then afterward, just when he had become stronger with the book's help, the first one grew weaker; and so he lived long enough to learn that gold is not the axis round which everything turns.

It is only a legend, but for me there is a depth in it which I find true.

"The book" does not mean all books or literature, it is at the same time conscience, reason, and it is art.

Gold does not stand for money alone, but it is at the same time a symbol of several other things.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Things as old as humanity

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

I do not know whether you will understand me, but I wanted to make clear to you that I - thinking as I do - could hardly get cross with anyone merely on account of an opinion. Not counting my own opinions for much. But my not being able to resign myself to the fact that I see many persons lead a life, rather rashly I think, too far removed from what is true for all is quite another thing. So if I get cross, it might be because of something that has nothing whatever to do with my having a high opinion of myself.

There are things as old as humanity itself, and which will not disappear in a hurry.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Nor can opinions make the truth true

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

I wish you could understand that if at times I wish you had other thoughts about some questions than you have at present, I do so only because I believe you would profit by it, and not because I should want to make a proselyte for my own opinions. I do not believe my opinions to be better than those of other people. But more and more I begin to believe that there is something compared to which all opinions, mine included, become as nothing.

Certain truths and facts, which our opinions can change little or not at all, and which I hope not to mistake for my or other people's opinions, as this would be an error on my part.

Opinions can as little change certain standard truths as weathercocks can change the direction of the wind. The weathercocks do not make the wind east or north, nor can opinions make the truth true.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It's lucky for me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

As to what you say about my perhaps becoming quite isolated, I do not say that this will not happen, I expect little else, and shall be content if life remains possible and bearable for me.

But I declare to you that I should not consider this a deserved fate, for I believe that after all I have never done, and shall never do, anything to make me lose the right to feel one with my fellow creatures.

Others would be greatly to blame for it too. Well, I try to look at myself as if I were somebody else, that is to say, objectively, so that I try to see my own shortcomings as well as perhaps their compensations.

Isolation is bad enough, it is a kind of prison. To what extent I shall become so cannot be guessed now with any degree of certainty. Nor do you say so, in fact.

I for my part often prefer to be with people who do not even know the world, for instance the peasants, the weavers, etc., rather than being with those of the more civilized world. It's lucky for me.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I think is right

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

With regard to being brotherly it would appear to me that this is dependent on taking the same view of things or not - which I pointed out to you - seeing that it seemed to me that perhaps our opinions were going to deviate considerably - if they haven't already. I mention it because with you I do not want to pretend to be different from what I am, and because of the very fact that I do not want to quarrel. In the long run I should prefer to do without your support, however much your help means to me, to keeping it on condition that I act contrary to what I think is right.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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