Mine is absolutely different

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just yesterday I finished the drawing I made for the evening class's competition. It is the figure of Germanicus that you know. Well, I am sure I shall place last, because all the drawings of the others are exactly alike, and mine is absolutely different. But I saw how that drawing they will think best was made. I was sitting just behind it, and it is correct, it is whatever you like, but it is dead, and that's what all the drawings I saw are.

Enough of this, but let it annoy us so much that it makes us enthusiastic for something nobler, and that we hasten to achieve this.

You, too, need a more vigorous life, and if we might succeed in joining hands, together we should know more than each separately, and should be able to do more.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If I could go my own way

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

I must also tell you that, although I keep going there, that nagging of those fellows at the academy is often almost unbearable, for they remain positively spiteful.

But I try systematically to avoid all quarrels, and go my own way. And I feel I am on the track of what I am seeking, and perhaps I should find it the sooner if I could go my own way.

Yet I irritate them even though I don't say anything; and they, me.

But this doesn't matter so much, the problem is to go on trying to find a better working method. So - patience and perseverance.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Please allow me to come

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just think, if all goes well, and if I had good food, etc., all that time, which certainly will leave something to be desired, even in that case it will take about six months before I shall have recovered entirely.

Now, at this moment, I am feeling terribly weak, even worse than that, from reaction after overwork, but that is the natural course of things and nothing extraordinary; but as it is a question of taking better nourishment, etc., you see in Brabant I shall again spend my last penny on models; it will be the same story all over again, and I do not think that will be right. In that way we stray from our path. So please allow me to come sooner, I should almost say at once.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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And I will change it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

That impression I can't help getting of myself when comparing myself to others, namely that I look as if I had been in prison for ten years, is not exaggerated; but to change it - and I will change it - I must primarily not get too far out of the art world, but stay some time longer in a studio or at an academy. Then it will disappear.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Those who have dared something

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

Founding a studio together would perhaps be a good thing, but we must feel sure that we can carry it through - and we must know our own minds perfectly, and once we begin it, we must have a certain confidence after all, left us after a long series of lost illusions.

And such a studio - in starting it one must know that it will be a battle and that people in general will be absolutely indifferent, so one ought to begin it feeling confident of some power - wanting to be somebody, wanting to be active - so that when one dies one can think, I go where all those who have dared something go - well, we shall see.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Not to be discouraged

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

More and more I believe that l'art pour l'art, to work for work's sake, l'energie pour l'energie - is after all the principle of all great artists, for in the case of the de Goncourts one sees how necessary obstinacy is, for society will not thank them for it.

But in painting one finds a certain rest in the histories of those painters who aimed at the most sublime through it all.

Israels himself, for instance, was still quite unknown and poor, even to the extent of having nothing to eat but dry bread - when he nevertheless wanted to go to Paris, though the circumstances were discouraging enough.

Not to be discouraged, even though one is almost starving, and though one feels one has to say farewell to all material comfort in life!

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Some chance of making progress

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I keep feeling satisfied with having come here, otherwise I should have remained in a fix; and now, though there are still many difficulties, I see some chance of making progress.

And by staying here somewhat longer, or by going to Paris, I shall get an even firmer hold.

I see that year of drawing from which I'm afraid there's no escape.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I should drop dead

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I thought my teeth were bad for another reason, and I didn't know that my stomach had deteriorated to such a degree. It is stupid if you will, but sometimes one has to choose between two evils, and is trapped on both sides.

You see I am not stronger than other people in that if I neglected myself too much, it would be the same with me as with so many painters (so very many if one thinks it over), I should drop dead, or worse still - become insane or an idiot.

This is a fact, and the question is to steer a clear course between the various cliffs, and even if one gets damaged, to try to keep the ship afloat.

I know that Delacroix said he had learned the secret of painting: "When he had neither teeth nor breath left." But I also know that from that moment he took care of himself. And that, except for his mistress, he would have died ten or more years sooner.

So do not be angry with me because of the expense. I shall try to economize, but things were getting too bad and I had to remedy them.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One must try and stay alive

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

And it is a fact that I must change my outward appearance somewhat. Perhaps you will say that has nothing to do with art, but on the other hand, perhaps you will agree with me I am having my teeth seen to, for instance, there are no less than ten teeth that I have either lost or may lose, and that is too many and too troublesome, and besides, it makes me look over forty, which is not to my advantage.

They told me at the same time that I ought to take care of my stomach, for it's in a bad state. And since I have been here this has far from improved.

But if one knows where the fault lies, that is something gained, and with some energy much can be redressed.

It is not at all pleasant, but necessity knows no law, and if one wants to paint pictures, one must try and stay alive and keep one's strength.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something stiff and awkward about me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

But it has struck me forcibly that there are still other things that I absolutely must change.

When I compare myself to the other fellows, there is something stiff and awkward about me, as if I had been in prison for ten years.

And the cause of this is that for about ten years I have had a difficult and harassed life, much care and sorrow and no friends.

But that will change as my work gets better, and I shall know something and be able to do something.

And I repeat, we are on the right track to accomplishing this. But do not doubt it, the way to succeed is to keep courage and patience and to work on energetically.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I see my mistakes

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

Do you know what I think? In Paris I should certainly work more than here, for instance a drawing a day or every two days.

And we know, or rather you know, enough clever fellows who would not refuse to look them over and give some hints. So in fact we are at all events on the right track, whether I stay here some time or come to you.

For the rest, Cormon would probably say the same thing as Verlat. Just because I now have the opportunity to talk to several people about my drawings, I see my mistakes, and that is half the battle.

At all events let's keep courage.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Almost a handsome promise

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

Just after the receipt of your letter it happened that Sibert came to look at the drawings (mine was a head of Niobe and a hand that might be done by Michelangelo). I had drawn that hand within a few hours, and that was the drawing he liked best. Now l told him that l intended to go to Cormon, and he said: “You may do as you like, but I tell you that Verlat has trained several strong ones, and we attach great value to training pupils who are a credit to us - and I advise you most strongly to stay.”

This is almost a handsome promise, as if they guarantee success, and what shall I do?

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"You take drawing seriously"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I am also drawing in the daytime now, and the teacher there, who makes portraits at present and gets well paid for them, has asked me repeatedly if I had never drawn from plaster casts before and if I had taught myself to draw, and he concluded: "I see that you have worked a lot, and, it will not take you long to make progress, you will gain much by it - it will take a year, but what does that matter?"

Now there is one fellow of my age sitting next to me to whom he does not say that.

Now Sibert, that is the name of the teacher who also directs the class for drawing from the nude, said, "As for you, you will draw as you please, for I see that you take drawing seriously."

Then he also said that Verlat had told him there was some good in my work which Verlat did not say to me.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The work need not suffer

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 3 February 1886

But, Theo, this indisposition is a damn bad thing just now; I regret it terribly, but yet I keep courage. It will right itself.

One must not think that people whose health is impaired, wholly or partly, are no good for painting. It is necessary to reach the sixties, or at least the fifties, if one begins at thirty. But one need not be perfectly healthy, one may have all kinds of ailments. The work need not suffer from it. On the contrary, nervous people are more sensitive and refined.

But, Theo, just because my health is decidedly impaired, I am resolved to apply myself to the higher figure, and to try to refine myself. It overtook me so unexpectedly, I had been feeling weak and feverish, but I went on anyway; but I began to feel worried when more and more of my teeth broke off and I began to look more and more sick. Well, we will try to remedy it.

Letter 449
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Friendship and co-operation

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 3 February 1886

I am very sympathetic to founding a studio, inasmuch as one might combine with other painters to take models together.

The more energy, the better. And in hard times especially, one must look for friendship and co-operation.

Letter 449
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It is no bad sign

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 3 February 1886

For speaking of Cormon, I think he would tell me much the same thing as Verlat, namely that I must draw from the nude or plaster casts for a year, just because I have always been drawing from life.

And when people like Verlat or Cormon, for instance, demand this of a fellow, I assure you it is no bad sign. For there are plenty of those whom Verlat simply lets drudge on, for they will never attain anything. You speak of clever fellows in that studio of Cormon's - just because I would damn well like to be one of them, I feel for myself that I must insist on devoting at least a year in Paris to drawing from the nude and from plaster casts. And do not think this is a long way, for it is a short one. One who can draw a figure from memory is much more productive than one who cannot. And you will see how productive I shall become by taking the trouble to draw for a whole year.

Letter 449
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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An absolute breakdown

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 3 February 1886

I already wrote you the day before yesterday that although on the one hand I felt far from well, I nevertheless began to see some light.

However, I am sorry to have to tell you more categorically that I am literally worn out and overworked. Just think, I went to live in my own studio (in Nuenen) on May 1 and I have not had a hot dinner more than perhaps six or seven times since.

But I have lived then, and I do here, without any money for a dinner, because the work costs me too much, and I have relied too much on my being strong enough to stand it.

It is an absolute breakdown.

Now I have made it worse by smoking a great deal, which I did the more because then one does not feel an empty stomach so much.

Well, manger de la vache enragée, that is what I have my share of.

Letter 449
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I cannot master the rest

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, February 1885

When there was snow, I also painted a few studies of our garden. The landscape has changed much since then; now we have splendid evening skies of lilac with gold over dark silhouettes of cottages between the masses of ruddy-colored brushwood - above which rise the spare black poplars, while the foregrounds are of a faded and bleached green, varied by strips of black earth and pale withered rushes along the ditch edges.

I certainly see all this too - I think it just as superb as anybody else, but I am even more interested in the proportion of a figure, the division of the oval of the head, and I cannot master the rest before I have a better grip on the figure.

Well - first comes the figure; I personally cannot understand the rest without it, and it is the figure that creates the atmosphere.

Letter 394
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My work is valuable

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early February 1885

I think I am working a bit too hard to doubt that it will not be long before I shall be able somewhat to lighten the financial burden I am imposing on you. Maybe it will take longer than I think agreeable, to you as well as to me, but plodding on is a way that will not lead to complete failure.

And if I insist on taking vigorous measures, it is to obviate the possibility of quarreling. For the possibility of a quarrel is gone at the very moment I find the means to cover my financial needs. Then my work will no longer be at issue, and now it is.

Therefore don't despair. But now it's wretched for both of us.

And to me my work is valuable; I must paint a lot - and therefore I am continually in want of models, which - at a time when my work is difficult and exhausting - is an additional reason for thinking it rather dismal to get suspicions in exchange. Never mind, it is a period I have to go through, and one does not paint in order to have an easy time of it.

Letter 388b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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