If I could go my own way

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

I must also tell you that, although I keep going there, that nagging of those fellows at the academy is often almost unbearable, for they remain positively spiteful.

But I try systematically to avoid all quarrels, and go my own way. And I feel I am on the track of what I am seeking, and perhaps I should find it the sooner if I could go my own way.

Yet I irritate them even though I don't say anything; and they, me.

But this doesn't matter so much, the problem is to go on trying to find a better working method. So - patience and perseverance.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Some chance of making progress

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I keep feeling satisfied with having come here, otherwise I should have remained in a fix; and now, though there are still many difficulties, I see some chance of making progress.

And by staying here somewhat longer, or by going to Paris, I shall get an even firmer hold.

I see that year of drawing from which I'm afraid there's no escape.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One must try and stay alive

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

And it is a fact that I must change my outward appearance somewhat. Perhaps you will say that has nothing to do with art, but on the other hand, perhaps you will agree with me I am having my teeth seen to, for instance, there are no less than ten teeth that I have either lost or may lose, and that is too many and too troublesome, and besides, it makes me look over forty, which is not to my advantage.

They told me at the same time that I ought to take care of my stomach, for it's in a bad state. And since I have been here this has far from improved.

But if one knows where the fault lies, that is something gained, and with some energy much can be redressed.

It is not at all pleasant, but necessity knows no law, and if one wants to paint pictures, one must try and stay alive and keep one's strength.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My work is valuable

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early February 1885

I think I am working a bit too hard to doubt that it will not be long before I shall be able somewhat to lighten the financial burden I am imposing on you. Maybe it will take longer than I think agreeable, to you as well as to me, but plodding on is a way that will not lead to complete failure.

And if I insist on taking vigorous measures, it is to obviate the possibility of quarreling. For the possibility of a quarrel is gone at the very moment I find the means to cover my financial needs. Then my work will no longer be at issue, and now it is.

Therefore don't despair. But now it's wretched for both of us.

And to me my work is valuable; I must paint a lot - and therefore I am continually in want of models, which - at a time when my work is difficult and exhausting - is an additional reason for thinking it rather dismal to get suspicions in exchange. Never mind, it is a period I have to go through, and one does not paint in order to have an easy time of it.

Letter 388b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It will be best to stick to my work

Vincent van Gogh to his mother, from Saint-Remy, 10 December 1889

Be sure that I think of you often, here where I spend my days more withdrawn into myself than now and then seems to me desirable.

Yet I have decidedly no reason at all to complain, feeling stronger and healthier and quieter than before, and compared with this time last year, when I really had no thought of recovering. Yet I shall always keep on feeling the shock, and it will be best to stick to my work, leaving the rest alone as hardly being compatible with it, and as worrying cannot do much good.

Letter 616
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Painting, as it is called

Vincent van Gogh to his mother, from Saint-Remy, 10 December 1889

As for the exhibition in Brussels, it does not leave me indifferent because I shall have a few pictures from here in it which, though made in quite a different region, remain just as if they were painted say in Zundert, or Calmpthout, and I think they could also be understood by people who haven't any knowledge of painting, as it is called. And so one may say, It would have been simpler if I had stayed quietly in North Brabant - but it is as it is, and what can one do?

Letter 616
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The greatest chance of remaining strong

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid-November 1885

Being a little better off helps so little after all. Anyhow, we cannot prevent the days of our youth slipping from us. If that were possible! But the real thing that makes one happy, materially happy - being young, and remaining so a long time - does not exist here - that doesn't even exist in Arabia or Italy, though it is better there than here.

And I personally think that one has the greatest chance of remaining strong and renewing oneself under the present-day "third state." Well, so I say that I try to find it in painting without any thoughts on the side.

Letter 433
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"A job on the side"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid-November 1885

In de Goncourt's book I found the following sentence in the article about Chardin marked by you. After having talked about the bad financial conditions of painters, he says: "What to do, what to become? One must throw oneself into a subordinate condition or starve. One chooses the first", so, he continues, except a few martyrs, the rest become fencing masters, soldiers or actors.

Now it always makes a fatal impression on the public when the painter "takes a job on the side." I don't feel above this at all, but I should say, Go on painting, just make a hundred, and if that is not enough, two hundred studies, and see if this doesn't help you more than the “job on the side.”

Accustoming oneself to poverty, seeing how a soldier or a laborer lives and thrives in wind and weather, with ordinary people's fare and dwelling, is just as practical as earning a few guilders more a week.

After all, one is not in the world for one's own comfort, and one does not need to be better off than one's neighbor.

Letter 433
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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No one falls before his tim

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 26 November 1883

There are things which, as one ought to know, can gradually cast a spell on a man and make him change his course in a direction diametrically opposed to the course he took as long as he was honest.

My words may sound gloomy, very well. For myself, there are moments when my own prospects seem very dark to me - but as I already wrote you, I do not believe that my fate depends on what seems against it. All kinds of things may be against me, but there may be one thing more powerful than what I see threatening me. I used the word fatality for lack of a better word - no one falls before his time - so as for me, I resign myself to fate, and act as if nothing were the matter.

As for the calamities, I am not particularly afraid of them - in general one should be afraid of nothing except of deteriorating as a man.

Letter 342
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Risk too much rather than too little

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 17 November 1883

Fortune favors the bold, says the proverb, and though something may perhaps be said against it, I decidedly believe its basis to be a fact, in the same way as the opposite: that moral weakness or want of courage brings a kind of fatal doom in the end.

So my plan is always to risk too much rather than too little; if one is defeated by too much, well, so be it.

Letter 341
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The risk of going on

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

In short, there are limits, and my intuition tells me you have almost reached that point.

Look here - as regards now or never - making oneself scarce or disappearing, neither you nor I should ever do that, no more than commit suicide.

I too have my moments of deep melancholy, but I say again, both you and I ought to regard the idea of disappearing or making oneself scarce as becoming neither you nor me.

And notwithstanding all, one should take the risk of going on, even when one feels that it is impossible, of going on with the desperate feeling that it will end in disappearance - but on the other hand, in our consciences there is that "beware!!!"

Letter 337
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One cannot lose one's way

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

This is my firm belief. Whether one is more or less clever at the start, whether one has the advantage of favorable circumstances to a greater or to a lesser extent, is, to my way of thinking, far from being the main thing. One should start with the conviction that one is in need of intercourse with nature, with the conviction that one cannot lose one's way by taking this road, and that one's course will be straight. And ... there is that other important thing: if one should have an easy time of it, like a man living on his private means, it would be of very little help; the very fact that there is many a hard day and many an "effort of lost souls" will make one a better man.

Letter 339a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Preparing a new road

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 1 September 1888

I feel that even so late in the day I could be a very different painter if I were capable of getting my own way with the models, but I also feel the possibility of going to seed and of seeing the day of one's capacity for artistic creation pass, just as a man loses his virility in the course of his life.

That is inevitable, and naturally in this as in the other, the one thing to do is to be of good heart and strike while the iron is hot.

And I often get downhearted. But Gauguin and so many others are in exactly the same position, and above all we must seek the remedy within ourselves, in good will and patience, and at the same time struggle to be something more than mediocrities. Perhaps we shall be preparing a new road while we do this.

Letter 530
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What is in will out

Vincent van Gogh to Wilhelmina van Gogh, from Paris, Summer-Fall 1887

I don't want to be included among the melancholy or those who turn sour and bitter or ill-tempered. "To understand everything is to forgive everything," and I believe that if we knew everything we should attain some serenity. Now, having as much of that serenity as possible, even when one knows little or nothing for certain, is perhaps a better remedy for all ills than what is sold in the pharmacy. Much of it comes by itself, one grows and develops of one's own accord.

So don't study and grind away too much, for that makes one sterile. Enjoy yourself too much rather than too little, and don't take art and love too seriously - there is very little one can do about it, it is mainly a question of temperament. . . .

Anyway, it's not a bad idea for you to become an artist, for when one has fire within oneself and a soul, one cannot keep bottling them up - better to burn than to burst, what is in will out. For me, for instance, it is a relief to do a painting, and without that I should be more miserable than I am.

Letter W01
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Unwilling to relinquish self-confidence

Vincent van Gogh to Wilhelmina van Gogh, from Paris, Summer-Fall 1887

By far the greatest number of grains of corn do not develop fully but end up at the mill - isn't this so? To compare human beings with grains of corn, now - in every human being who is healthy and natural there is a germinating force, just as there is in a grain of corn. And so natural life is germination. What the germinating force is to the grain, love is to us.

Now we tend to stand about pulling a long face and at a loss for words, I think, when, thwarted in our natural development, we find that germination has been foiled and we ourselves placed in circumstances as hopeless as they must be for a grain between the millstones.

When that happens to us and we are utterly bewildered by the loss of our natural life, there are some amongst us who, though ready to submit to the inevitable, are yet unwilling to relinquish their self-confidence, and determine to discover what is the matter with them and what is really happening.

Letter W01
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The burden is sometimes so heavy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

The weeks passed - many, many weeks and months of late - when the expenses were repeatedly heavier than I could afford, notwithstanding all my worrying and economizing and however much I racked my brains. As soon as your money arrives, I must not only manage to live ten days on it, but I have so many things to pay for at once that from the start those ten days which are ahead are bound to mean starvation. . . .

And it happens to me, too: when I am sitting in the dunes or somewhere else, I have a faint feeling in my stomach because there isn't enough to eat. . . .

Well, I should not care, Theo, if I could only stick to the thought, It will come out right, we must go on. But now your saying, "I can give you little hope for the future," is like "the hair that finally breaks the camel's back" to me. The burden is sometimes so heavy that one extra hair is enough to make the animal sink to the ground.

Now what am I to do?

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If one tries one's utmost

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

But, boy, you know it yourself - what things in practical life must one devote one's strength and thought and energy to? One must take a chance and say, I will do a certain thing and carry it through. Well, then it may turn out wrong, and one may hit an impenetrable barrier when people do not care for it; but one needn't care after all, need one? I don't think one has to worry over it; but sometimes it becomes too hard, and one feels miserable against one's will.

And now I thought, I am sorry that I didn't fall ill and die in the Borinage that time, instead of taking up painting, for I am only a burden to you. And yet I cannot help it, for one must go through many phases to become a good painter, and what one makes in the meantime is not exactly bad if one tries one's utmost; but there ought to be people who see it in the light of its tendency and objective, and who do not ask the impossible.

Things are looking dark right now.

Letter 302
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What becomes of the policeman?

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 July 1883

I hope you will write me in detail about Les Cent Chefs-d'Oeuvre - it must have been a good thing to have seen such a show.

And when one thinks how at the time there were a few persons whose character, intention and genius were rather suspect in the public's opinion - persons about whom the most absurd things were told, Millet, Corot, Daubigny, etc., who were thought of the way the village policeman views a stray shaggy dog, or a tramp without a passport - and time passes, and voila "les cent chefs-d'oeuvre," and if a hundred are not enough, then innumerable ones. And what becomes of the policeman? Very little remains of them except a number of summonses as curiosities. Yet I think the history of great men is tragic - though it's true that they did not meet only village policemen in their lives - for usually they are no longer alive when their work is publicly acknowledged, and for a long time during their lives they are under a kind of depression because of the opposition and the difficulties of struggling through life. And so whenever I hear of such a public acknowledgment of the merits of such and such a one, I think the more vividly of the quiet, somewhat somber figures of those who personally had few friends, and then, in their simplicity, I find them even greater and more tragic.

Letter 297
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I can only expect a refusal

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early July 1884

As to the Society of Draftsmen, firstly, I quite forgot it because I was busy painting those figures; secondly, now that your letter reminds me of it, I am not very keen on it, for, as I told you already last summer, I can only expect a refusal of my petition for membership, which refusal one can, however, consider as a kind of necessary evil that can be redressed next year and as such the request perhaps has its raison d'etre. . . .

And when I tell you that I am just now quite absorbed again in two new large studies of interiors of weavers, you will understand I am in no mood for it. Especially as it might cause new disagreements if I applied again to the gentlemen at The Hague.

Letter 372
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Study

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 1 June 1885

If Portier will write me his observations, I think they may be useful to me, and he must not hold them back. I must tell you that I sometimes long very much to see the Louvre and the Luxembourg again, and that sooner or later I shall have to study the technique and color of Millet, Delacroix, Corot and others. But it is not immediately urgent; I think the more I work, the greater use it will be to me when it happens someday.

But it is a fact that one needs both nature and pictures.

Letter 410
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I made him draw many things

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 20 May 1883

These last days, or rather weeks, I have had the very pleasant company of a young land surveyor who tried his hand at drawing. He once showed me drawings, which I thought very bad, and I told him why I thought them so bad.

Of course I never expected to hear from him again after that; but one day he returned - he has more leisure now, might he come with me to work outdoors? Well, Theo, the fellow has got the knack of landscape drawing so well that at present he brings home really charming sketches of meadow, wood and dune. . . .

The things he made before I knew him were horrible daubs, most of them hideous. I began by telling him that at first he had to confine himself to drawing for some time. I made him draw many things which he did not like at all, but he trusted me in this. Now this morning he asked me if he couldn't try his hand at painting again, and now it came off very well, and he has scraped off all his old things.

Letter 285
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I too fail sometimes

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 9 May 1883

Well, my woman no longer walks on a path of flowers, as she did when she was younger and went her own way and followed her instincts. But life has become more thorny for her, has become a path of tears, especially last year but this year has thorns too, and so will the years to come - but with perseverance she will get over it.

But sometimes there is a crisis - especially when I venture to reprove her for some fault which I have had my eye on for a long time. So for instance, to give you an example, mending the clothes and making clothes for the children herself. But the result is that one day she takes it up, and in this respect, as in many others, she has already improved greatly. I still have to change so many things in myself, too; she must find in me an example of diligence and patience, and it is damned difficult, brother, to act so that one can indirectly be an example to somebody else, and I too fail sometimes. I must raise myself to a higher level in order to rouse new impulses in her.

Letter 284
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The difficulties are often brain-wracking

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When your money arrived this morning, I had been without money - absolutely without a penny - for about a week. Besides, all my drawing material was used up. . . .

I am very, very sorry I have to ask for it, but if there is the slightest possibility, send me another 10 francs. A week's work depends on it, for I cannot expect an answer from Rappard right away. I am already hard up, and have made arrangements with models. After Rappard sends me the money, the time will come when things will run smoothly again. If you can send it, this week will pass without a hitch; if not, the damage will be unpleasant. But do not be angry with me; it was a combination of expenses, all strictly necessary, which I could not avoid. And if you cannot send it - well, it will not kill us. The difficulties in small matters, even when small sums of money are involved, are often really brain-wracking, and this is such a case. I hope Rappard will be able to help me a little, for I need it as much as a meadow needs the rain after a long drought.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Such strained relations

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When I think back to May of last year, Theo, the year has not been exactly easy or free from care for me, has it? But that doesn't matter. To be without care or trouble has indeed never been my ideal or intention. But things have not been exactly easy for me.

What you send me is not little but much; but though it was perhaps much more than you could really spare yourself, I assure you that going on and making progress with my work, and keeping the household going, is not child's play for the woman and me. Now it is sometimes very hard on me that because of such strained relations, I must avoid the very persons with whom, for my work, I ought to be directly or indirectly in touch. And I wish it were peacefully settled.

Well - for the moment I cannot change it.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Undermine by patience

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 11 April 1883

I should wish to be able to spend more, both on models and on painting materials. Though I do not sell a single one of my studies, I think they are worth the money I spend on them. The studio has become so much better and convenient, but I only have enough steam for "half speed," and should like to go "full speed."

I repeat, I do not say this to complain, nor to force you to greater sacrifices - you are really burdened beyond your strength too. But I say it for the sake of a better understanding, and to relieve my mind. For you will understand that I am often full of heavy cares. Well, we must make the best of it, and the things we can't move by force must be undermined by patience.

Letter 279
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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An unsatisfied energy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 11 April 1883

To tell you the truth, my purse is rather empty; it certainly isn't your fault, yet it isn't mine, either - no matter how I contrive, I can't save more, and I need more money than I have to execute some plans. If I started on those things, I should have to give them up in the middle. But it is a melancholy thing to have to say, "I could make such and such a thing if it weren't for the expense." Then an unsatisfied energy remains, which one should wish to use instead of stifle. But I don't want to complain - I am grateful that I can make progress - though not so vigorously as I should wish. But the English say, "Time is money," and sometimes I can't help thinking it is hard to see the time pass during which things might have been done if I had had the means.

Letter 279
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The never-changing formula – convention

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 21 March 1883

This week I have been working on drawings of figures with wheelbarrows - perhaps for lithographs too - but how do I know what will come of it? - I just go on drawing, that's all. As I told you just now, Van der Weele came to see me during the week. . . . I said to Van der Weele, "Just tell me - do you think we use enough models??" Van der Weele answered, "When Israels came to my studio the other day, and saw my large picture of the sand carts, he said, I advise you above all to use a lot of models." . . .

Well, however that may be, let's encourage each other to do it, and let's inspire each other as much as we can to work, on, not in the manner the dealers want us to, but with virile strength, truth, good faith and honesty. All of which has in my opinion a direct bearing on working from the model. It seems to be some kind of fate that what one produces in this fashion is called "unpleasing"; but I think that this imaginary but very active prejudice would have to yield to contrary efforts on the part of the painters, provided these painters agreed among themselves, and helped and backed each other up, and no longer let the dealers be the only ones to speak to the public, but spoke up themselves once in a while too; for although I am willing to admit that what a painter would say about his own work would not always be understood, I am still of the opinion that a better seed would be sown in the field of public opinion in this way than the seeds the dealers and such fellows customarily sow according to a never-changing formula - convention.

Letter R32
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Moments of melancholy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 March 1883

You write in your letter something which I sometimes feel also: "Sometimes I do not know how I shall pull through."

Look here, I often feel the same in more than one respect, not only in financial things, but in art itself, and in life in general. But do you think that something exceptional? Don't you think every man with a little pluck and energy has those moments?

Moments of melancholy, of distress, of anguish, I think we all have them, more or less, and it is a condition of every conscious human life. It seems that some people have no self-consciousness. But those who have it, they may sometimes be in distress, but for all that they are not unhappy, nor is it something exceptional that happens to them.

And sometimes there comes relief, sometimes there comes new inner energy, and one rises up from it, till at last, some day, one perhaps doesn't rise up any more, que soit*, but that is nothing extraordinary, and I repeat, such is the common human fate, in my opinion.

*So be it

Letter 274
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Patience and faithfulness

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 March 1883

Be clear in your mind, dear brother, how strongly and intensely I feel the enormous debt I owe you for your faithful help.

It would be difficult for me to express all my thoughts about it. It constantly remains a source of disappointment to me that my drawings are not yet what I want them to be. The difficulties are indeed numerous and great, and cannot be overcome at once. To make progress is a kind of miner's work; it doesn't advance as quickly as one would like, and as others also expect, but as one stands before such a task, the basic necessities are patience and faithfulness. In fact, I do not think much about the difficulties, because if one thought of them too much one would get stunned or disturbed.

Letter 274
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Financial difficulties hamper me

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 5 March 1883

The Hague is beautiful - and there is an enormous variety of scenes. I hope to work hard this year. There are also often financial difficulties that hamper me, which you will understand, and this is the very reason why - because I want to work much and must in fact do so - I shall concentrate more and more on black and white.

When I'm doing watercolors or oil paintings I must stop every now and then on account of the expense, but with a piece of crayon or lead pencil one has only the expense of the model and some paper. And I prefer to spend the little I have on models, I assure you, than to spend it on painting materials. I have never regretted the money I spend on models.

Letter R30
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Shall I succeed?

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

Rappard always works with models, too, and in my opinion there is no better way. Especially if one sticks to one model, one finds more and more qualities in it. So this letter complements yesterday's, in so far as you will see from it that today I made a plan for a new watercolor of the same kind I sent you, and that tomorrow I shall have the models for it. I hope to finish this one more thoroughly than the one I sent you. Shall I succeed? I can't tell beforehand.

I started, though I am still short of a few things. But one thing I have now that I didn't have before, and that is the better light. And it is worth more to me than ever so many colors. If I can have the colors too, please let me have them; but I have had so many things from you already, and in many respects I am so little satisfied with the result, till now, that I hardly dare to ask for them. As in algebra the product of two negatives is a positive, so I hope that the product of failures may be success.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I hate this so much

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 March 1883

I should not want anybody to see just this one sketch of mine, because I myself think nothing is right in this sketch except the general aspect, and I will wrestle with the figures till I get in watercolor what they are beginning to get in lithography - that is, more character and effect.

It is not pleasant to make sketches like the one I sent you, and then not to be able to finish them; I hate this so much that I rarely make them, except as a trial to see if I have made any progress. But now I have new courage and interest, just because I have been making a great many studies again. . . .

The desire to make them is not wanting, but I expect new failures - which I hope, however will have something in them to encourage rather than to make one lose courage though they are failures.

Letter 270
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I start drudging again

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 March 1883

I love watercolor too much ever to give it up entirely, I come back to it again and again. But the foundation of everything is the knowledge of the figure, so that one can readily draw men and women and children whatever they are doing. So this is my chief aim, which cannot be realized in any other way, I think.

And I try to work myself up to a higher level of knowledge and ability in general, rather than to care very much about finishing off some particular sketch. After having drawn for a month, I now and then make a few watercolors, for instance, by way of casting the plummet to fathom my depth. Each time I see that I have overcome some obstacles, but that new difficulties have arisen. Then I start drudging again to conquer those.

Letter 270
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Many more failures

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 March 1883

I shall have to put up with many more failures, for I believe that in watercolor much depends on a great dexterity and quickness of touch. One must work in it before it is dry to get harmony, and one hasn't much time for reflection then. So the principal thing is not finishing each one separately, no, one must put down those twenty or thirty heads rapidly, one after the other.

Here follow a few curious sayings about water colors: "There is something devilish about the watercolor"; and the other is by Whistler, who said, "Yes, I did that in two hours, but I studied for years to be able to accomplish this in two hours."

Letter 270
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Reality and art are alike to me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 February 1883

At times I regret that the woman with whom I live understands neither books nor art. But (though she definitely can't) doesn't my still being so attached to her prove that there is something sincere between us? Perhaps she will learn later on, and it may strengthen the bond between us; but now, with the children, you will understand that she has her hands full already. And especially because of the children she comes into contact with reality, and involuntarily she learns. Books and reality and art are alike to me. Somebody out of touch with real life would bore me, but somebody right in the midst of it knows and feels naturally.

If I did not look for art in reality, I should probably find her stupid; as it is I only wish it were otherwise, but after all I am contented with things as they are.

Letter 266
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Life is only a kind of sowing time

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 8 February 1883

What concerns me and is a source of responsibility is that I should make the most of the circumstances and try my best to make progress.

The age of thirty is, for the working man, just the beginning of a period of some stability, and as such one feels young and full of energy.

But, at the same time, a phase of life is past. This makes one melancholy, thinking some things will never come back. And it is no silly sentimentalism to feel a certain regret. Well, many things really begin at the age of thirty, and certainly all is not over then. But one doesn't expect out of life what one has already learned that it cannot give, but rather one begins to see more and more clearly that life is only a kind of sowing time, and the harvest is not here.

Perhaps that's the reason that one sometimes feels indifferent toward the opinion of the world, and if that opinion depresses us all too strongly, one may throw it off.

Perhaps I had better tear up this letter as well.

Letter 265
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Most people me consider me a failure

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 8 February 1883

Sometimes I cannot believe that I am only thirty years old, I feel so much older.

I feel older only when I think that most people who know me consider me a failure, and how it really might be so, if some things do not change for the better; and when I think it might be so, I feel it so vividly that it quite depresses me and makes me as downhearted as if it were really so. In a calmer and more normal mood I am sometimes glad that thirty years have passed, and not without teaching me something for the future, and I feel strength and energy for the next thirty years, if I should live that long.

And in my imagination I see years of serious work before me, and happier ones than the first thirty.

How it will be in reality doesn't depend only on myself, the world and circumstances must also contribute to it.

Letter 265
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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To dare more and to risk more

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 8 February 1883

I sometimes think I will make an experiment, and try to work in quite a different way, that is, to dare more and to risk more . . . .

But while finding more and more that one is not perfect oneself, and makes mistakes, and that other people do likewise, so that difficulties continually arise which are the opposite of illusions, I think that those who do not lose courage and who do not become indifferent, ripen through it, and one must bear hardships in order to ripen.

Letter 265
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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That painful way of working

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 8 February 1883

In the studies, too, one is conscious of a nervousness and a certain dryness which is the exact opposite of the calm, broad touch one strives for, and yet it doesn't work well if one applies oneself too much to acquiring that broadness of touch.

This gives one a feeling of nervous unrest and agitation, and one feels an oppression as on summer days before a thunderstorm. I had that feeling again just now, and when I have it, I change my work, just to make a new start.

That trouble one has at the beginning sometimes gives an awkwardness to the studies.

But I do not take this as a discouragement, because I have noticed it in myself as well as in others, who afterwards just slowly got rid of it.

And I believe that sometimes one keeps that painful way of working one's whole life, but not always with so little result as in the beginning.

Letter 265
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One unconsciously makes it hard for oneself

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 8 February 1883

Since I wrote to you last, I have given my eyes some rest and it has done me good, though they still ache now and then.

Do you know what has come into my mind, that in the first period of a painter's life one unconsciously makes it very hard for oneself - a feeling of not being able to master the work - by an uncertainty as to whether one will ever master it - by a great ambition to make progress, by a lack of self-confidence - one cannot banish a certain feeling of agitation, and one hurries oneself though one doesn't like to be hurried.

This cannot be helped, and it is a time which one must go through, and which in my opinion cannot and should not be otherwise.

Letter 265
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This bad time must be lived through

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 26 January 1882

The last time Mauve was here, he asked me again if I needed money. I was then able to say I did not want it, but you see, in case of need, he would be willing to do something. And so though there will be some difficulties now and then, I hope we can manage to struggle through. Especially if Mr. Tersteeg would be so kind as to give me some credit in case you're unable to send me money, and when it is absolutely necessary.

You speak of fair promises - with me it is more or less the same. Mauve says it will be all right; but for all that, the watercolors I make are not quite saleable. Now I have some hope myself, and I will work hard on them, but it is often hopeless enough, for when I try to work them up, they become too heavy. It's exasperating, for it's no small difficulty. And experiments with watercolors are rather expensive - paper, paint, brushes, model, and time, and whatnot.

But even so, I think the most economical way is to keep going without losing time.

For this bad time must be lived through.

Letter 173
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Most people don't admire enough

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from London, January 1874

I can see from your letter that you are taking a keen interest in art, and that's a good thing, old fellow. I'm glad you like Millet, Jacque, Schreyer, Lambinet, Frans Hals, etc., for as Mauve says, "That's it." That painting by Millet, L'angelus du soir, "that's it," indeed - that's magnificent, that's poetry. How I wish I could have another talk with you about art; but we'll just have to keep writing to each other about it. Admire as much as you can; most people don't admire enough. . . .

Do go on doing a lot of walking and keep up your love of nature, for that is the right way to understand art better and better. Painters understand nature and love her and teach us to see.

And then there are painters who never do anything that is no good, who cannot do anything bad, just as there are ordinary people who can do nothing but good.

I'm getting on very well here. I've got a delightful home and I'm finding it very pleasurable taking a look at London and the English way of life and the English people themselves, and then I've got nature and art and poetry, and if that isn't enough, what is?

Letter 13
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We can talk about the future

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 January 1883

When you come sooner or later, I can show you more, and then we can talk about the future. You know well enough how unfit I am to cope with either dealers or art lovers, and how contrary it is to my nature. I should like it so much if we could always continue as we are now, but it often makes me sad to think that I must always be a burden to you. But who knows, in time you may be able to find someone who takes an interest in my work, who will take from your shoulders the burden which you took upon yourself at the most difficult time. This can only happen when it is quite evident that my work is serious, when it speaks more clearly for itself than it does now.

I myself am too fond of a very simple life to wish to change it, but later on, in order to do greater things, I shall have greater expenses, too. I think I shall always work with a model - always and always. And I must try to arrange matters so that the whole burden doesn't always fall on you.

This is only a beginning - later you will get better things from me, my boy.

Letter 257
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My pleasure lies in the progress of my work

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2 January 1883

If you should find some progress in my work when you come here again, I should have no other desire than to go on in the same way I have - that is, to continue my work quietly without mixing with anybody else. When there is bread in the house and I have some money in my pocket to pay the models, what more can I want? My pleasure lies in the progress of my work, and that absorbs me more and more.

Letter 256
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Clinging to the right

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12-18 December 1882

The one thing which is increasingly difficult to decide on is the best working method. There is so much beauty on one side as well as on the other - and at the same time so many things wrong - that sometimes one doesn't know which path to choose. But at all events, one must work on. But I myself do not think I cannot make mistakes - I am too conscious of my many errors to be able to say this or that is the right manner and this or that, the wrong one. That goes without saying. But I am not indifferent, I think it wrong to be so. I think it one's duty to try to do the right thing, even knowing that one cannot go through life without making mistakes, without regret or sorrow. Somewhere I read, Some good must come by clinging to the right.

Letter 253
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Things worth doing one's utmost for

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 12-18 December 1882

In contrast to what I wrote you - that I often feel heavy-hearted about many things, that I cannot consider everything progress, etc. - what I said on another occasion is still true, too - that there are things which are worth doing one's utmost for, because whether people like them or not, they have in themselves a raison d'etre. Blessed is he who has found his work, says Carlyle, and that is decidedly true. . . .

When I told you in my last letter that I sometimes feel as if I were in some kind of prison, I meant only that I cannot do many things which I should like to do - which would only be possible if I had the money - but I certainly did not mean to say that I do not appreciate the present or that I am discontented, far from it. It is just by doing what is within our reach that we have a chance of making progress, so be assured that whenever you find work for me on the magazines yonder, I shall gladly try my best.

. . . I am only afraid that they wouldn't like my work: if this were because of real faults, I should try to correct them; but if it were because of the conception or sentiment in general, I could do very little to change that.

Letter 253
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A painter paints to do some good

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 December 1882

But as to me - que faire?

A few years ago Rappard and I walked outside Brussels on a spot which they call la Valle Josaphat . . . . At that time there was a sand quarry where diggers were at work, there were women looking for dandelion leaves, a farmer was sowing; we looked at all that, and I was almost in despair then: "Shall I ever succeed in painting what I admire so much?" Now I no longer despair, now I can capture those farmers and women better; and working on with patience, I can now succeed to a certain extent. But I am sorely oppressed by the way things are going and can no longer think of those magazines with pleasure and enthusiasm. The Graphic neglects to say that many in the group of artists refuse to give their work, and withdraw more and more. Why? because a painter paints to do some good and has some sincerity in his heart which despises all that grandeur. What more shall I say?… I can only repeat, "Que faire!"

Of course, I continue to work, but conscious of a dark future.

Letter 252
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The dark, shadowy side of an artist's life

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2-3 December 1882

Breitner really has got a job at the high school in Rotterdam - a lucky thing for him. But l think after all it is preferable if one can manage to do without such jobs and give all one's time to one's work. There seems to be something fatal in occupying such positions; perhaps it is the very cares, the very dark, shadowy side of an artist's life which is the best of it. It is risky to say so, and there are moments when one speaks differently; many are drowned by too heavy cares, but those who struggle through will profit by it later.

Letter 250
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A thing far removed from any rest

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 November 1882

That there is a great chance of going under in the struggle, that a painter is something like a "lost sentinel," these and other things need no saying. You must not think of me as so readily scared - for instance, to paint the Borinage would be something so difficult, so relatively dangerous as to make life a thing far removed from any rest or pleasure. Yet I would undertake it if I could, that is, if I didn't know sure, as I do now, that the expenses would surpass my means. If I could find people who would interest themselves in such an enterprise, I would risk it. But just because you are really the only one for the moment who has a concern over what I do, the thing has to be put on the shelf for the present and must remain there, and meanwhile I will find other things to do. But I do not give it up to spare myself.

Letter 248
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am sometimes terribly discouraged

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 November 1882

But I tell you that dissatisfaction about bad work, the failure of things, the difficulties of technique can make one dreadfully melancholy. I can assure you that I am sometimes terribly discouraged when I think of Millet, Israels, Breton, de Groux, so many others, Herkomer for instance; one only knows what these fellows are worth when one is oneself at work. And then to swallow that despair and that melancholy, to bear with oneself as one is, not in order to sit down and rest but to struggle on notwithstanding thousands of shortcomings and faults and the doubtfulness of conquering them, all these things are the reason why a painter is not happy either.

The struggle with oneself, the trying to better oneself, the renewal of one's energy, all this is complicated by material difficulties.

Letter 248
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I see in work the only safety

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 November 1882

When your last letter came, after having had to wait so long, I had to pay so much at once that little was left. However, I have made those two experiments in lithography again, notwithstanding the expense, because especially in hard times I see in work the only safety, and I will fight to get ahead.

But today or tomorrow all my money will be gone. If it is possible for you to send something, do so, if not, it is neither your fault nor mine - but the days will be hard. Well, nevertheless, we must keep heart as long as we can, and not give away to melancholy or weakness. . . .

Even if you don't have the money, boy, do write, for I need your sympathy, which is not worth less to me than the money.

Letter 246
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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March quickly

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, 16 November 1882

I should like to write at greater length about your statement, "One should only put something before the world if that something fulfills the strictest demands of technique." That is what the art dealers say too, and I do not believe what they say. Think it over a little - that would save me the trouble of writing about it - and ask yourself whether it is not just as permissible to put a drawing like this one, just as is drawn from the model without any subsequent retouching, before the world (although I admit that there is some faulty drawing in it), as it is for me to go out into the street in my work clothes if I think it convenient, and without having to plant myself before a mirror to see if there's something the matter with my attire before I leave the house. If you admit that these things are similar, though you yourself would do neither, then the question remains whether it is not often more advisable during a campaign to march quickly than to smarten oneself up.

Letter R19
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A fire that I may not quench

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 5 November 1882

I feel a power in me which I must develop, a fire that I may not quench, but must keep ablaze, though I do not know to what end it will lead me, and shouldn't be surprised if it were a gloomy one. In times like these, what should one wish for?

What is relatively the happiest fate?

In some circumstances it is better to be the conquered than to be the conqueror - for instance, better to be Prometheus than Jupiter. Well, it is an old saying, "Let come what may."

Letter 242
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Though disappointed by circumstances

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 5 November 1882

When you say in your last letter, “What a mystery nature is,” I quite agree with you. Life in the abstract is already an enigma; reality makes it an enigma within an enigma. And who are we to solve it? However, we ourselves are an atom of that universe which makes us wonder: Where does it go, to the devil or to God ?

Yet the sun rises, says Victor Hugo. Long, long ago I read in L'Ami Fritz by Erckmann-Chatrian a saying of the old rabbi's, which I have always remembered: "We are not in life to be happy, but we must try to deserve happiness." Taken separately, there is something pedantic in this thought - at least, one might take it as such - but in the context in which the words occurred, that is, from the mouth of that sympathetic figure of the old rabbi, David Sechel, they touched me deeply, and I often think of them. Similarly in drawing, one must not count on selling one's drawings, but it is one's duty to make them so that they have a certain value and are serious; one must not become careless or indifferent even though disappointed by circumstances.

Letter 242
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A kind of dissatisfaction with oneself

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2 November 1882

Of course one always feels, and one must feel, when at work, a kind of dissatisfaction with oneself, a longing to do it much better; but still it is delightful and comforting little by little to get a collection of all kinds of figures together, though the more one makes the more one wants to make.

Letter 241
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This bad time must be lived through

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 26 January 1882

The last time Mauve was here, he asked me again if I needed money. I was then able to say I did not want it, but you see, in case of need, he would be willing to do something. And so though there will be some difficulties now and then, I hope we can manage to struggle through. Especially if Mr. Tersteeg would be so kind as to give me some credit in case you're unable to send me money, and when it is absolutely necessary.

You speak of fair promises - with me it is more or less the same. Mauve says it will be all right; but for all that, the watercolors I make are not quite saleable. Now I have some hope myself, and I will work hard on them, but it is often hopeless enough, for when I try to work them up, they become too heavy. It's exasperating, for it's no small difficulty. And experiments with watercolors are rather expensive - paper, paint, brushes, model, and time, and whatnot.

But even so, I think the most economical way is to keep going without losing time.

For this bad time must be lived through.

Letter 173
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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