Please allow me to come

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just think, if all goes well, and if I had good food, etc., all that time, which certainly will leave something to be desired, even in that case it will take about six months before I shall have recovered entirely.

Now, at this moment, I am feeling terribly weak, even worse than that, from reaction after overwork, but that is the natural course of things and nothing extraordinary; but as it is a question of taking better nourishment, etc., you see in Brabant I shall again spend my last penny on models; it will be the same story all over again, and I do not think that will be right. In that way we stray from our path. So please allow me to come sooner, I should almost say at once.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The work depends on it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 22 January 1886

Next Monday we shall get new models; in fact, then I shall begin in earnest, and for Monday I ought to have had a large canvas; they also told me that I must definitely have other brushes, etc.

But I haven't any money left, so it is really pressing, and I wish you would do what you can, for I am also doing what I can, and almost all the time it is such that hardly anything is left for food.

It would be a relief to me if I could have your letter before Monday. What I wrote you about the clothes I want is also rather urgent. I have already made a few acquaintances who have seen the things I had brought for the admission.

I do not think I can take a shorter cut to make progress, and whether I go to the country afterward or to a studio in Paris, at all events it is a good thing to see many others paint, and specially to work regularly from the model as much as ever is possible.

Goodbye, I write you in a hurry because I must get to work. But try your best not to keep me waiting, for the work depends on it, and I assure you in any case it will be hard enough for me.

Letter 446
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Freedom of action

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

I begin to object more and more to your pretending to be a financier, and thinking me exactly the opposite. All people are not alike, and if one does not understand that in drawing up accounts some time must have passed over the account before one can be sure to have counted right, if one does not understand this, one is no calculator. And a broader insight into finances is exactly what characterizes many modern financiers. Namely not pinching, but allowing freedom of action.

I know, Theo, that you may also be rather hard up. But your life has never been so hard as mine has these last ten or twelve years. Can't you make allowances for me when I say, Perhaps it has been long enough now? Meanwhile I have learned something that I did not know before, that has renewed all my chances, and I protest against my always being neglected. And if I should like to live again in the city for some time, and afterward perhaps to work in a studio in Paris too, would you try to prevent this?

Be honest enough to let me go my own way, for I tell you that I do not want to quarrel, and I will not quarrel, but I will not be hampered in my career. And what can I do in the country, unless I go there with money for models and colors? There is no chance, absolutely none, of making money with my work in the country, and there is such a chance in the city. So I am not safe before I have made friends in the city - and that comes first. For the moment this may complicate things somewhat, but after all it is the only way, and going back to the country now would end in stagnation.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A fata morgana

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, late November 1884

What shall I say to you? Your letter sounds very correct, and has the tone of a good ministre des Beaux Arts.

But this does not alter the fact that it is not much use to me, and that I am not satisfied with it - and especially in your "later on, when you have expressed yourself more clearly, we shall perhaps find something in your present work, and then we shall not act as we do now…" I see only a fair promise - but in reality a ministerial fata morgana in the eyes of a fellow like me, who would rather find an outlet for his work in a more pedestrian way, provided that it is at the present moment.

You cannot demand of me that I resign myself to a ministerial fata morgana. After all, I am too practical for that! Which is not being intransigent, and which is really why I piss on the sanctuary of the intransigent fellows - which I do once in a while - on sanctuaries in general.

Letter 386b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Two drawings in my heart

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 June 1883

Now you write that business is less flourishing. This is rotten enough. But the position has always been precarious, and may be expected to remain so as long as you live. Let us keep up our courage, and try to find energy and serenity. . . .

. . . if circumstances become more difficult, let us redouble our energy. I will be doubly intent on my drawings, but for the present do be doubly intent on sending the money. To me it means models, studio, bread; cutting it down would be something like choking or drowning me. I mean, I can do as little without it now as I can do without air. I had these two drawings in my heart for a long time, but I did not have the money to carry them out; and now, thanks to Rappard's money, they have got form. The creative power cannot be repressed, one must give vent to what one feels.

Letter 288
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Trifles take on the biggest proportions

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 4-6 May 1883

I saved up a stamp on purpose, to be able to write to you once more. . . .

If you are strained yourself, send me less than usual if it must be; but send it as soon as possible. For next week I have an arrangement with Van der Weele to go and paint in the dunes - he will show me a few things which I do not know yet.

I have been working in the dunes for some days, but I long for a model: otherwise I cannot go on.

In short, I feel rather worried. So write as soon as possible. As for the work, I am getting on pretty well, and I think you would like some of the drawings I have on hand now.

. . . Write soon, boy, for it is very unpleasant to be without a cent. It makes trifles take on the biggest proportions.

Letter 283
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The difficulties are often brain-wracking

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When your money arrived this morning, I had been without money - absolutely without a penny - for about a week. Besides, all my drawing material was used up. . . .

I am very, very sorry I have to ask for it, but if there is the slightest possibility, send me another 10 francs. A week's work depends on it, for I cannot expect an answer from Rappard right away. I am already hard up, and have made arrangements with models. After Rappard sends me the money, the time will come when things will run smoothly again. If you can send it, this week will pass without a hitch; if not, the damage will be unpleasant. But do not be angry with me; it was a combination of expenses, all strictly necessary, which I could not avoid. And if you cannot send it - well, it will not kill us. The difficulties in small matters, even when small sums of money are involved, are often really brain-wracking, and this is such a case. I hope Rappard will be able to help me a little, for I need it as much as a meadow needs the rain after a long drought.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I so greatly want

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 30 May 1882

Today or tomorrow being the 1st of June, I promised to pay my landlord 5 guilders rent of studio for the month of April + 7.50 guilders for last month, makes 12.50 guilders.

But not having up to now received any letter of yours since that of May 12th, I have nothing to pay him his twelve guilders and 50 c. with. The man will surely not give me any longer delay, but they can immediately sell my furniture publicly. Whatever may be your opinion concerning the things I told you do not let it come to this scandal, my drawings for C. M. are ready, but I shall not be able to get that money early enough. I say again, let us at all events avoid irregularity and public scandal, and talk and write calmly on the subject, till we know what ought to be done. Therefore I hope you will send me what I so greatly want, and will write. I work day and night, and have a small drawing ready for you, which I will send by and by. I have no money for a stamp, excuse the postcard.

Letter 203
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Deliver me from the landlord

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

But, brother, it has been a hard fortnight for me. When I wrote you about the middle of May, I had only 3 or 3.50 guilders left after I had paid the baker; and I have had hardly anything to eat but dry black bread with some coffee, . . . .

Now I have to pay the house rent on the first of June, and I have nothing, literally nothing. I hope you will send something.

A week ago I felt very faint from continuous sleeplessness. Now that I have had some luck with a few drawings and the order for C. M. is almost finished, I have new courage and am a little calmer.

But, brother, do write to me soon and deliver me from the landlord, for you know he won't be put off.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Shall I succeed?

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

Rappard always works with models, too, and in my opinion there is no better way. Especially if one sticks to one model, one finds more and more qualities in it. So this letter complements yesterday's, in so far as you will see from it that today I made a plan for a new watercolor of the same kind I sent you, and that tomorrow I shall have the models for it. I hope to finish this one more thoroughly than the one I sent you. Shall I succeed? I can't tell beforehand.

I started, though I am still short of a few things. But one thing I have now that I didn't have before, and that is the better light. And it is worth more to me than ever so many colors. If I can have the colors too, please let me have them; but I have had so many things from you already, and in many respects I am so little satisfied with the result, till now, that I hardly dare to ask for them. As in algebra the product of two negatives is a positive, so I hope that the product of failures may be success.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I can promise you better drawings

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

I can promise you better drawings before long.

At all events, whether you can send me something or not, I can promise you better drawings before long.

The change in the studio itself, as far as it goes, enables me to undertake some new things already.

But there would be fewer obstacles in the way, if you could send me something extra just now. I am afraid that otherwise I should be checked by some things, either by the lack of drawing materials or by not being able to take models, or by the making of a few more alterations.

I mention "better drawings," this is meant comparatively.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I can hardly control it any longer

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c.11 January 1883

Today I had to pay the rent and the three models whom I hadn't been able to pay before, and I also absolutely needed various drawing materials. I am working very hard at present, and I must not stop, but really the models eat me out of house and home.

Well, it would certainly be good if I could have something extra - would it be possible? I hesitate to ask it because of what you just wrote me about yourself, and I understand perfectly that it brings you cares, which I respect and with which I sympathize. But the thing with me is that I got somewhat in arrears by working so hard, and when I receive the money, I at once have to pay out more than half of it. I cannot live more economically than we do, I have economized wherever possible; but the work is developing, especially these last weeks, and I can hardly control it any longer - that is, the expenses it causes. Would it be possible for you to send me a little more? I think you will understand it when you see the studies. Well, forgive me for mentioning it, but I cannot do otherwise, I am in arrears for the daily expenses, and that is why I am absolutely penniless before the tenth day.

Letter 259
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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