Please allow me to come

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just think, if all goes well, and if I had good food, etc., all that time, which certainly will leave something to be desired, even in that case it will take about six months before I shall have recovered entirely.

Now, at this moment, I am feeling terribly weak, even worse than that, from reaction after overwork, but that is the natural course of things and nothing extraordinary; but as it is a question of taking better nourishment, etc., you see in Brabant I shall again spend my last penny on models; it will be the same story all over again, and I do not think that will be right. In that way we stray from our path. So please allow me to come sooner, I should almost say at once.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My work is valuable

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early February 1885

I think I am working a bit too hard to doubt that it will not be long before I shall be able somewhat to lighten the financial burden I am imposing on you. Maybe it will take longer than I think agreeable, to you as well as to me, but plodding on is a way that will not lead to complete failure.

And if I insist on taking vigorous measures, it is to obviate the possibility of quarreling. For the possibility of a quarrel is gone at the very moment I find the means to cover my financial needs. Then my work will no longer be at issue, and now it is.

Therefore don't despair. But now it's wretched for both of us.

And to me my work is valuable; I must paint a lot - and therefore I am continually in want of models, which - at a time when my work is difficult and exhausting - is an additional reason for thinking it rather dismal to get suspicions in exchange. Never mind, it is a period I have to go through, and one does not paint in order to have an easy time of it.

Letter 388b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Freedom of action

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

I begin to object more and more to your pretending to be a financier, and thinking me exactly the opposite. All people are not alike, and if one does not understand that in drawing up accounts some time must have passed over the account before one can be sure to have counted right, if one does not understand this, one is no calculator. And a broader insight into finances is exactly what characterizes many modern financiers. Namely not pinching, but allowing freedom of action.

I know, Theo, that you may also be rather hard up. But your life has never been so hard as mine has these last ten or twelve years. Can't you make allowances for me when I say, Perhaps it has been long enough now? Meanwhile I have learned something that I did not know before, that has renewed all my chances, and I protest against my always being neglected. And if I should like to live again in the city for some time, and afterward perhaps to work in a studio in Paris too, would you try to prevent this?

Be honest enough to let me go my own way, for I tell you that I do not want to quarrel, and I will not quarrel, but I will not be hampered in my career. And what can I do in the country, unless I go there with money for models and colors? There is no chance, absolutely none, of making money with my work in the country, and there is such a chance in the city. So I am not safe before I have made friends in the city - and that comes first. For the moment this may complicate things somewhat, but after all it is the only way, and going back to the country now would end in stagnation.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am making progress after all

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 31 January 1885

I have explained to you at great length that the painting of the 50 studies of heads which I intend to do leads to my incurring more expense than usual. And as, by your writing that you are suspicious of me, you yourself are the cause of this, I feel vexed when I think that my being embarrassed every now and then is to be attributed more to this than to anything else. My not selling anything would not worry me so much if only my work could be pushed forward with all possible vigor.

Well, I am doing all I can, and I am making progress after all. You will also have to take back what you said about your suspiciousness. When this will be, you will have to decide for yourself - but I only want to say by way of caution that the ugliest misunderstandings are caused by suspicion.

Letter 388a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Keeping silent is nearly dissimulation

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

Saying a few words about things is different from forcing them - at certain moments keeping silent about something is nearly identical with dissimulation. I just did not want to do that.

As for the rest, whether isolated or not, I will try to manage so that I can work on; and as to my opinions - I sometimes think of what Taine says, "It seems to me that as far as the worker is personally concerned, he can keep that to himself," so it was probably a mistake on my part not to keep things strictly to myself. And bear in mind that I do not want you to consider the help you give me as a thing you are obliged to do, for you were not obliged to do it in the past, nor are you now, it has been a voluntary thing on your part for which I, for my part, feel, and I repeat, shall certainly always feel, a real obligation to you.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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More self-sacrifice than I

Vincent van Gogh to his mother, from Saint-Remy, 20 December 1889

I do not seem to have had a happy character. I discovered that in Paris, how much more Theo did his best to help Father practically than I, so that his own interests were often neglected. Therefore I am so thankful now that Theo has got a wife and is expecting his baby. Well, Theo had more self-sacrifice than I, and that is deeply rooted in his character. And after Father was no more and I came to Theo in Paris, then he became so attached to me that I understood how much he had loved Father. And now I am saying this to you, and not to him - it is a good thing that I did not stay in Paris, for we, he and I, would have become too interested in each other.

And life does not exist for this, I cannot tell you how much better I think it is for him this way than in the past, he had too many tiresome business worries, and his health suffered from it.

Letter 619
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The situation was critical

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 17 November 1883

You must understand me well - perhaps - no, certainly - there was a crisis at home as well as in my own life when, as I sincerely believe, all of our lives were literally saved by you. The situation was critical, especially for me. If I have now reached such a point that, when I stand before an object or figure, I feel within me clearly, distinctly, unhesitatingly, the power to draw it - to render it - not perfectly, but true in its general structure and proportion - well, that point has been reached, absolutely, absolutely, and if I have reached it, it has been primarily because your help was a kind of fence or shield between a hostile world and myself, and because I could in all calmness think almost exclusively of my drawing, and my thoughts were not crushed by fatally overwhelming material cares. . . .

The germinating seed must not be exposed to a frosty wind - that was the case with me in the beginning. I'm afraid that if it hadn't been for you, Uncle Vincent's words, "ni fait, ni a faire," Tersteeg's words, and the accompanying cold shoulder from both at a critical moment would have been fatal to me, like a too cold wind to the germinating corn. But once the winter corn is rooted in the earth, it becomes a little stronger, and it struggles through the winter as best it can, at least it must get through.

Letter 341
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I only ask for time to study

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 17 September 1888

It is true that in impressionism I see the resurrection of Eugene Delacroix, but the interpretations of it are so divergent and in a way so irreconcilable that it will not be impressionism which will give us the final doctrine.

That is why I myself remain among the impressionists, because it professes nothing, and binds you to nothing, and as one of the comrades I need not declare my formula.

Good Lord, how you have to mess about in life. I only ask for time to study, and do you yourself really ask for anything but that? But I think that you also, like me, must long to have the quiet necessary to study without prejudice.

And I am so afraid of taking it away from you by my demands for money.

Letter 539
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If I were not as I am

Vincent van Gogh to Wilhelmina van Gogh, from Paris, Summer-Fall 1887

My own adventures are confined chiefly to making swift progress toward growing into a little old man - you know, with wrinkles, a tough beard and a number of false teeth, and so on. But what does all that matter? I have a dirty and difficult trade - painting, and if I were not as I am, I should not paint; but being as I am, I often work with pleasure and can visualize the vague possibility of one day doing paintings with some youth and freshness in them, even though my own youth is one of the things I have lost.

If I didn't have Theo, I should not be able to do justice to my work, but having him for a friend, I'm sure I shall make progress and things will fall into place. As soon as possible I plan to spend some time in the south, where there is even more color and even more sun.

But what I really hope to do is to paint a good portrait. So there.

Letter W01
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The love for humanity

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 23 July 1882

I have already spoken a few words about the love for humanity which some people possess, for instance, Mme. Francois in the book by Zola. However, I haven't any benevolent plans or projects for trying to help everybody, but I am not ashamed to say (though I know quite well that the word benevolence is in bad repute) that for my part I have always felt and will feel the need to love some fellow creature. Preferably, I don't know why, an unhappy, forsaken or lonely creature.

Once I nursed for six weeks or two months a poor miserable miner who had been burned. I shared my food for a whole winter with a poor old man, and heaven knows what else, and now there is Sien. But so far I have never thought all this foolish or wrong. I think it so natural and right that I cannot understand people being so indifferent to each other in general. I must add that if I were wrong in doing this, you were also wrong in helping me so faithfully - it would be too absurd if this were wrong. I have always believed that "love thy neighbor as thyself" is no exaggeration, but a normal condition. So be it. And you know that I shall make every effort to try to sell my drawings soon, for the very reason that I do not want to abuse your kindness.

Letter 219
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Two drawings in my heart

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 June 1883

Now you write that business is less flourishing. This is rotten enough. But the position has always been precarious, and may be expected to remain so as long as you live. Let us keep up our courage, and try to find energy and serenity. . . .

. . . if circumstances become more difficult, let us redouble our energy. I will be doubly intent on my drawings, but for the present do be doubly intent on sending the money. To me it means models, studio, bread; cutting it down would be something like choking or drowning me. I mean, I can do as little without it now as I can do without air. I had these two drawings in my heart for a long time, but I did not have the money to carry them out; and now, thanks to Rappard's money, they have got form. The creative power cannot be repressed, one must give vent to what one feels.

Letter 288
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The difficulties are often brain-wracking

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When your money arrived this morning, I had been without money - absolutely without a penny - for about a week. Besides, all my drawing material was used up. . . .

I am very, very sorry I have to ask for it, but if there is the slightest possibility, send me another 10 francs. A week's work depends on it, for I cannot expect an answer from Rappard right away. I am already hard up, and have made arrangements with models. After Rappard sends me the money, the time will come when things will run smoothly again. If you can send it, this week will pass without a hitch; if not, the damage will be unpleasant. But do not be angry with me; it was a combination of expenses, all strictly necessary, which I could not avoid. And if you cannot send it - well, it will not kill us. The difficulties in small matters, even when small sums of money are involved, are often really brain-wracking, and this is such a case. I hope Rappard will be able to help me a little, for I need it as much as a meadow needs the rain after a long drought.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I thought that so nice

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

I am working on several things just now which I must carry through; but really I am very hard up. You write about Rappard - I am so sorry that he did not come when he wrote he would. If I asked him to advance me something, I am sure he would not refuse. For he himself proposed it this winter, but then he fell ill . . . . I remember his father wrote: "My son is ill, but I know about it; if you are perhaps in difficulties, I will advance you the money."

I thought that so nice of Rappard's father that it would have been indelicate of me to have accepted it at that moment. So I wrote him, "Thank you, let us wait for the recovery of your son."

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Such strained relations

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When I think back to May of last year, Theo, the year has not been exactly easy or free from care for me, has it? But that doesn't matter. To be without care or trouble has indeed never been my ideal or intention. But things have not been exactly easy for me.

What you send me is not little but much; but though it was perhaps much more than you could really spare yourself, I assure you that going on and making progress with my work, and keeping the household going, is not child's play for the woman and me. Now it is sometimes very hard on me that because of such strained relations, I must avoid the very persons with whom, for my work, I ought to be directly or indirectly in touch. And I wish it were peacefully settled.

Well - for the moment I cannot change it.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I so greatly want

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 30 May 1882

Today or tomorrow being the 1st of June, I promised to pay my landlord 5 guilders rent of studio for the month of April + 7.50 guilders for last month, makes 12.50 guilders.

But not having up to now received any letter of yours since that of May 12th, I have nothing to pay him his twelve guilders and 50 c. with. The man will surely not give me any longer delay, but they can immediately sell my furniture publicly. Whatever may be your opinion concerning the things I told you do not let it come to this scandal, my drawings for C. M. are ready, but I shall not be able to get that money early enough. I say again, let us at all events avoid irregularity and public scandal, and talk and write calmly on the subject, till we know what ought to be done. Therefore I hope you will send me what I so greatly want, and will write. I work day and night, and have a small drawing ready for you, which I will send by and by. I have no money for a stamp, excuse the postcard.

Letter 203
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It will perhaps be sold for 50 guilders

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

Rappard's visit has cheered me up; he seems to work very hard.

I have received 2.50 guilders from him because he saw a tear in one of the drawings and said, You must have that repaired.

That's true, I said, but I haven't the money, and the drawing must be sent off.

Then he readily said that he would be pleased to give me it; he would have given even more, but I wouldn't take it, and gave him a whole lot of wood engravings and a drawing in exchange. It was one for C. M., and as it was the best of them all, the money to have it repaired was very welcome. That same drawing will perhaps be sold afterward for 50 guilders or so, and I didn't have the money to have a tear in it repaired.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Undermine by patience

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 11 April 1883

I should wish to be able to spend more, both on models and on painting materials. Though I do not sell a single one of my studies, I think they are worth the money I spend on them. The studio has become so much better and convenient, but I only have enough steam for "half speed," and should like to go "full speed."

I repeat, I do not say this to complain, nor to force you to greater sacrifices - you are really burdened beyond your strength too. But I say it for the sake of a better understanding, and to relieve my mind. For you will understand that I am often full of heavy cares. Well, we must make the best of it, and the things we can't move by force must be undermined by patience.

Letter 279
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The work gets more and more stimulating

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2 April 1883

Thanks for the good wishes on my birthday. It happened to be a very pleasant day, as I just had an excellent model for a digger. One thing I can assure you of, the work gets more and more stimulating, and it gives me, so to speak, more vitality; and then I always think of you, because it is you who make it possible for me to work. That is, without fatal obstacles, without direct handicaps. Difficulties sometimes spur one on even more. Now the time has come to put more energy into it.

Letter 278
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I must become more skilled

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 March 1883

What I myself dislike more than that line of the composition is something which, in fact, you have noticed, that the two figures are too much of one tone . . . . But I think that the principal reason is that I do not always have time enough to work as elaborately as I should like. If one works a long time on a drawing, it is possible to go more into detail, to seek the different tones. But too often I must work in a hurry. I dare not ask too much from my models. If I paid them better, I should have the right to demand longer poses, and could make better progress.

At present, I often think I get more from them than a just return on what I pay them in money.

However, I do not mean to say that there is not a still more important reason, namely, that I must become more skilled than I am before I can be ever so slightly satisfied with myself. And by and by I hope to make better and more elaborate things in the same amount of time that I now spend on them.

Letter 274
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Patience and faithfulness

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 March 1883

Be clear in your mind, dear brother, how strongly and intensely I feel the enormous debt I owe you for your faithful help.

It would be difficult for me to express all my thoughts about it. It constantly remains a source of disappointment to me that my drawings are not yet what I want them to be. The difficulties are indeed numerous and great, and cannot be overcome at once. To make progress is a kind of miner's work; it doesn't advance as quickly as one would like, and as others also expect, but as one stands before such a task, the basic necessities are patience and faithfulness. In fact, I do not think much about the difficulties, because if one thought of them too much one would get stunned or disturbed.

Letter 274
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Shall I succeed?

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

Rappard always works with models, too, and in my opinion there is no better way. Especially if one sticks to one model, one finds more and more qualities in it. So this letter complements yesterday's, in so far as you will see from it that today I made a plan for a new watercolor of the same kind I sent you, and that tomorrow I shall have the models for it. I hope to finish this one more thoroughly than the one I sent you. Shall I succeed? I can't tell beforehand.

I started, though I am still short of a few things. But one thing I have now that I didn't have before, and that is the better light. And it is worth more to me than ever so many colors. If I can have the colors too, please let me have them; but I have had so many things from you already, and in many respects I am so little satisfied with the result, till now, that I hardly dare to ask for them. As in algebra the product of two negatives is a positive, so I hope that the product of failures may be success.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This bad time must be lived through

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 26 January 1882

The last time Mauve was here, he asked me again if I needed money. I was then able to say I did not want it, but you see, in case of need, he would be willing to do something. And so though there will be some difficulties now and then, I hope we can manage to struggle through. Especially if Mr. Tersteeg would be so kind as to give me some credit in case you're unable to send me money, and when it is absolutely necessary.

You speak of fair promises - with me it is more or less the same. Mauve says it will be all right; but for all that, the watercolors I make are not quite saleable. Now I have some hope myself, and I will work hard on them, but it is often hopeless enough, for when I try to work them up, they become too heavy. It's exasperating, for it's no small difficulty. And experiments with watercolors are rather expensive - paper, paint, brushes, model, and time, and whatnot.

But even so, I think the most economical way is to keep going without losing time.

For this bad time must be lived through.

Letter 173
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We can talk about the future

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 January 1883

When you come sooner or later, I can show you more, and then we can talk about the future. You know well enough how unfit I am to cope with either dealers or art lovers, and how contrary it is to my nature. I should like it so much if we could always continue as we are now, but it often makes me sad to think that I must always be a burden to you. But who knows, in time you may be able to find someone who takes an interest in my work, who will take from your shoulders the burden which you took upon yourself at the most difficult time. This can only happen when it is quite evident that my work is serious, when it speaks more clearly for itself than it does now.

I myself am too fond of a very simple life to wish to change it, but later on, in order to do greater things, I shall have greater expenses, too. I think I shall always work with a model - always and always. And I must try to arrange matters so that the whole burden doesn't always fall on you.

This is only a beginning - later you will get better things from me, my boy.

Letter 257
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Sometime I shall succeed in this

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 28-30 December 1882

In the New Year shall I succeed better in making saleable drawings? or in getting some work from an illustrated paper? Of one thing I am sure, wrestling with nature is no idle work, and though I do not know what the result will be, there must be some result.

I wish you could come to the studio again - not because I can't go on or don't know what to do, but mainly because I am so afraid you will think I am not making progress. And though I cannot show you any definite result, you would see that it is slowly developing, and you would see that I am aiming high. . . .

Thanks for all your faithful friendship, boy, which has again upheld me for a whole year. I wish that for my part I could give you some pleasure, too. Sometime I shall succeed in this.

Letter 255
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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All your help and friendship

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 28-30 December 1882

Before the year is up, I feel I have to thank you again for all your help and friendship. . . .

I am sorry that I haven't succeeded in making a saleable drawing this year. I really do not know where the fault lies.

I wish you could come to the studio sometime. I think I wrote you in my last letter that I am at present drawing large heads because I felt the need of a more intimate study of the structure of the skull and the interpretation of the physiognomy. The work absorbs me greatly, and I found a few things lately for which I had been seeking for a long time. Well, whenever you come, you will see everything.

Letter 255
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Such proofs of sympathy are rare

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 December 1882

A few days ago I received a letter from Rappard . . . . I had incidentally written him, "I have had another obstacle, a letter with money which was especially intended for the experiments got lost."

In answer to this, he wrote: "Don't let this trouble you, and count on me if you cannot continue or if you need something." I had not written it to him because I expected him to say such a thing . . . . Still, it pleased me, because such proofs of sympathy are rare. I answered him, For the moment there is no need of it, but if it really became a question of my not being able to continue, I would accept your aid. And I told him how much I appreciated it. You see now that this is one of the cases which I wrote you about in my last letter.

Letter 249
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This bad time must be lived through

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 26 January 1882

The last time Mauve was here, he asked me again if I needed money. I was then able to say I did not want it, but you see, in case of need, he would be willing to do something. And so though there will be some difficulties now and then, I hope we can manage to struggle through. Especially if Mr. Tersteeg would be so kind as to give me some credit in case you're unable to send me money, and when it is absolutely necessary.

You speak of fair promises - with me it is more or less the same. Mauve says it will be all right; but for all that, the watercolors I make are not quite saleable. Now I have some hope myself, and I will work hard on them, but it is often hopeless enough, for when I try to work them up, they become too heavy. It's exasperating, for it's no small difficulty. And experiments with watercolors are rather expensive - paper, paint, brushes, model, and time, and whatnot.

But even so, I think the most economical way is to keep going without losing time.

For this bad time must be lived through.

Letter 173
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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