Mine is absolutely different

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just yesterday I finished the drawing I made for the evening class's competition. It is the figure of Germanicus that you know. Well, I am sure I shall place last, because all the drawings of the others are exactly alike, and mine is absolutely different. But I saw how that drawing they will think best was made. I was sitting just behind it, and it is correct, it is whatever you like, but it is dead, and that's what all the drawings I saw are.

Enough of this, but let it annoy us so much that it makes us enthusiastic for something nobler, and that we hasten to achieve this.

You, too, need a more vigorous life, and if we might succeed in joining hands, together we should know more than each separately, and should be able to do more.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If I could go my own way

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

I must also tell you that, although I keep going there, that nagging of those fellows at the academy is often almost unbearable, for they remain positively spiteful.

But I try systematically to avoid all quarrels, and go my own way. And I feel I am on the track of what I am seeking, and perhaps I should find it the sooner if I could go my own way.

Yet I irritate them even though I don't say anything; and they, me.

But this doesn't matter so much, the problem is to go on trying to find a better working method. So - patience and perseverance.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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And I will change it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

That impression I can't help getting of myself when comparing myself to others, namely that I look as if I had been in prison for ten years, is not exaggerated; but to change it - and I will change it - I must primarily not get too far out of the art world, but stay some time longer in a studio or at an academy. Then it will disappear.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Those who have dared something

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

Founding a studio together would perhaps be a good thing, but we must feel sure that we can carry it through - and we must know our own minds perfectly, and once we begin it, we must have a certain confidence after all, left us after a long series of lost illusions.

And such a studio - in starting it one must know that it will be a battle and that people in general will be absolutely indifferent, so one ought to begin it feeling confident of some power - wanting to be somebody, wanting to be active - so that when one dies one can think, I go where all those who have dared something go - well, we shall see.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Not to be discouraged

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

More and more I believe that l'art pour l'art, to work for work's sake, l'energie pour l'energie - is after all the principle of all great artists, for in the case of the de Goncourts one sees how necessary obstinacy is, for society will not thank them for it.

But in painting one finds a certain rest in the histories of those painters who aimed at the most sublime through it all.

Israels himself, for instance, was still quite unknown and poor, even to the extent of having nothing to eat but dry bread - when he nevertheless wanted to go to Paris, though the circumstances were discouraging enough.

Not to be discouraged, even though one is almost starving, and though one feels one has to say farewell to all material comfort in life!

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Some chance of making progress

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I keep feeling satisfied with having come here, otherwise I should have remained in a fix; and now, though there are still many difficulties, I see some chance of making progress.

And by staying here somewhat longer, or by going to Paris, I shall get an even firmer hold.

I see that year of drawing from which I'm afraid there's no escape.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I should drop dead

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I thought my teeth were bad for another reason, and I didn't know that my stomach had deteriorated to such a degree. It is stupid if you will, but sometimes one has to choose between two evils, and is trapped on both sides.

You see I am not stronger than other people in that if I neglected myself too much, it would be the same with me as with so many painters (so very many if one thinks it over), I should drop dead, or worse still - become insane or an idiot.

This is a fact, and the question is to steer a clear course between the various cliffs, and even if one gets damaged, to try to keep the ship afloat.

I know that Delacroix said he had learned the secret of painting: "When he had neither teeth nor breath left." But I also know that from that moment he took care of himself. And that, except for his mistress, he would have died ten or more years sooner.

So do not be angry with me because of the expense. I shall try to economize, but things were getting too bad and I had to remedy them.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One must try and stay alive

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

And it is a fact that I must change my outward appearance somewhat. Perhaps you will say that has nothing to do with art, but on the other hand, perhaps you will agree with me I am having my teeth seen to, for instance, there are no less than ten teeth that I have either lost or may lose, and that is too many and too troublesome, and besides, it makes me look over forty, which is not to my advantage.

They told me at the same time that I ought to take care of my stomach, for it's in a bad state. And since I have been here this has far from improved.

But if one knows where the fault lies, that is something gained, and with some energy much can be redressed.

It is not at all pleasant, but necessity knows no law, and if one wants to paint pictures, one must try and stay alive and keep one's strength.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something stiff and awkward about me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

But it has struck me forcibly that there are still other things that I absolutely must change.

When I compare myself to the other fellows, there is something stiff and awkward about me, as if I had been in prison for ten years.

And the cause of this is that for about ten years I have had a difficult and harassed life, much care and sorrow and no friends.

But that will change as my work gets better, and I shall know something and be able to do something.

And I repeat, we are on the right track to accomplishing this. But do not doubt it, the way to succeed is to keep courage and patience and to work on energetically.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I see my mistakes

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

Do you know what I think? In Paris I should certainly work more than here, for instance a drawing a day or every two days.

And we know, or rather you know, enough clever fellows who would not refuse to look them over and give some hints. So in fact we are at all events on the right track, whether I stay here some time or come to you.

For the rest, Cormon would probably say the same thing as Verlat. Just because I now have the opportunity to talk to several people about my drawings, I see my mistakes, and that is half the battle.

At all events let's keep courage.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The work depends on it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 22 January 1886

Next Monday we shall get new models; in fact, then I shall begin in earnest, and for Monday I ought to have had a large canvas; they also told me that I must definitely have other brushes, etc.

But I haven't any money left, so it is really pressing, and I wish you would do what you can, for I am also doing what I can, and almost all the time it is such that hardly anything is left for food.

It would be a relief to me if I could have your letter before Monday. What I wrote you about the clothes I want is also rather urgent. I have already made a few acquaintances who have seen the things I had brought for the admission.

I do not think I can take a shorter cut to make progress, and whether I go to the country afterward or to a studio in Paris, at all events it is a good thing to see many others paint, and specially to work regularly from the model as much as ever is possible.

Goodbye, I write you in a hurry because I must get to work. But try your best not to keep me waiting, for the work depends on it, and I assure you in any case it will be hard enough for me.

Letter 446
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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To stay here a long time

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 22 January 1886

I have now been painting at the academy for a few days, and I must say that I like it pretty well. Especially because there are all kinds of painters there, and I see them work in the most varied ways, something I have never experienced before - I mean seeing others work.

It would be by far the best thing for me to stay here a long time, for their models are good, and it will save a great deal of expenses of painting and models, and it is much more difficult than you seem to know, especially if one works alone. But let's hope that in this way things will improve.

Letter 446
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It has been too hard for me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

And I wish I could make you understand how probable it is that there will be great changes in the art trade. And, consequently, many new chances will present themselves too if one has something original to show.

But that is certainly necessary if one wants to be of some use. It is no fault or crime of mine if I must sometimes tell you we must put more vigor into such and such a thing, and if we haven't got the money ourselves, we must find friends and new relations. I must earn a little more or have some more friends, preferably both. That is the way to success, but recently it has been too hard for me.

At present I am losing weight, and moreover my clothes are getting too shabby, etc. You know yourself that it isn't right as it is. Yet I feel sort of confident that we shall pull through.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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How to fit in

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

I will try hard to make acquaintances here, and I think that if I worked some time, for instance under Verlat, I would learn to know better what is going on here, and how to fit in with the rest.

So let me struggle along my own way, and for Heaven's sake do not lose courage, and do not slacken. I do not think you can reasonably expect me to go back to the country for the sake of perhaps 50 fr. a month less, seeing that the whole series of future years will depend so much on the relations I must establish in town, either here in Antwerp or later on in Paris.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I shall always have an aim

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

When you get right down to it, I'll admit that when one is working exclusively from nature, something more is needed: the facility of composing, the knowledge of the figure, but, after all, I do not believe I have been drudging absolutely in vain all these years. I feel a certain power within me, because wherever I may be, I shall always have an aim - painting people as I see and know them.

Whether impressionism has already had its last say or not - to stick to the term impressionism - I always imagine that many new artists in the figure may arise, and I begin to think it more and more desirable that, in a difficult time like the present, one seeks one's security in the deeper understanding of the highest art.

For there is, relatively speaking, higher and lower art; people are more important than anything else, and are in fact much more difficult to paint, too.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I seek is so straightforward

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

I must finish. What color is in a picture, enthusiasm is in life, therefore - it is no little thing to try to keep that enthusiasm.

You may be of the opinion that I am an impossible character - but that's absolutely your own business. For instance, I need not care, and I am not going to. I know that your business routine induces you again and again to lapse into the old evil with regard to me. What I seek is so straightforward that in the end you cannot but give in. So let's conclude by saying, The sooner the better.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The estrangement drove me crazy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

If I had some friends, if I were a little known, yes, then it would be easier; but I have no friends, and my job is to try and make them.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I went to Antwerp, and how many remarkable things there are here for me, who has been out of it all for so long.

How glad I am to see the city again, much as I like the peasants in the country. How the bringing together of contrasts gives me new ideas - the contrasts between the absolute quiet of the country and the bustle here. I needed it badly.

Always to be in a state of exile, forever having to make great efforts, always half measures. But never mind - the family "stranger than strangers" is one fact - and being through with Holland is a second fact. It is quite a relief.

That is my only feeling, and yet I have been so deeply attached to it all that at first the estrangement drove me crazy. But I have looked over the cards too narrowly to let myself hesitate now. And I have got my self-confidence and my serenity back. The secret of that clique - Delaroche-esqueness, mediocrity. Retrogression - I abhor it!

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We will show that we are men

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

Now, shall we say like impotent dullards and blockheads, "We cannot do it, we have no money - there is nothing doing, I tell you No." This is what we'll say - and please let's both say it together, Personally we will endure poverty for it, and suffer want as long as it is necessary, like one does in a besieged city which one does not intend to surrender, but we will show that we are men.

Either one is brave or one is a coward. We must carry things to such a height that the public begins to like it.

It is not taking trouble that I am afraid of. But I believe that you have so accustomed yourself to thinking it all right that I am always to be neglected that you forget too easily how I have not had my due for so many years already.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I shall keep a straight course

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c 24 January 1885

Though the month is not quite over, my purse is quite empty. I work on as hard as I can, and I for my part think that by constantly studying the model, I shall keep a straight course.

I wish you could send me the money a few days before the 1st for that same reason, that the ends of the month are always hard, because the work brings such heavy expenses, and I don't sell any of it. But this will not go on so for ever, for I work too hard and too much not to arrive eventually at the point of being able to defray my expenses, without being in a dependent position. For the rest, nature outside and the interiors of the cottages, they are splendid in their tone and sentiment just at present; I try hard not to lose time.

Letter 393
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Get a faith

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c 24 January 1885

What Michelangelo said in a splendid metaphor, I think Millet has said without metaphor, and Millet can perhaps best teach us to see, and get "a faith." If I do better work later on, I certainly shall not work differently than now, I mean it will be the same apple, though riper; I shall not change my mind about what I have thought from the beginning. And that is the reason why I say for my part: if I am no good now, I shall be no good later on either, but if later on, then now too. For corn is corn, though people from the city may take it for grass at first, and also the other way round.

In any case, whether people approve or do not approve of what I do and how I do it, I for my part know no other way than to wrestle so long with nature that she tells me her secret.

All the time I am working . . .

Letter 393
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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“It is sometimes refreshing”

Vincent van Gogh to his mother, from Saint-Remy, 20 December 1889

The weather here is rather soft these days, though there are also many days of frost and wind, but here the sun shines more strongly than in Holland. Do you remember that Rappard once said, "It is sometimes refreshing," when he was staying with us after he had typhoid fever; I sometimes think of it when I am feeling much stronger and at times more clear-headed than last year.

Letter 619
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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At last I myself feel calmer

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Saint-Remy, 15 December 1889

I think that probably I shall hardly do any more things in impasto; it is the result of the quiet, secluded life that I am leading, and I am all the better for it. Fundamentally I am not so violent as all that, and at last I myself feel calmer.

You tell me not to worry too much and that better days will yet come for me. I must tell you that these better days have already begun for me, as soon as I get a glimpse of the possibility of completing my work in some way or other, so that you would have a series of really sympathetic Provencal studies, which will somehow be linked, I hope, with our distant memories of our youth in Holland.

Letter 617
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Victory will come to us one day

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 4 December 1888

If we can stand the siege, victory will come to us one day, in spite of our not being among the people who are talked about. It is rather a case that makes you think of the proverb - joy in public, sorrow at home.

What can you expect? Supposing that the fight is still before us, we must just try to mature quietly.

You always told me to work more for quality than quantity.

Letter 560
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One should aim at something lofty

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 28 December 1884

As far as my present work is concerned, I feel I can do better - however, I do need more air and space, in other words I must be able to spread my wings a little. Above all, above all, I still haven't enough models. I could soon produce work of higher quality, but my expenses would be heavier. Still, one should aim at something lofty, genuine, something distinguished, shouldn't one?

I am again reading de Goncourt's book, it is first-rate. In the preface to "Cherie," which you should read, there is an account of what the de Goncourts went through - and of how, at the end of their lives, they were pessimistic, yes - but also sure of themselves, knowing that they had done something, that their work would last. What fellows they were! if only we got on together better than we do now, if only we too could be in complete accord - we could be the same, couldn't we?

Letter 442
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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An ordinary worker

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 28 December 1884

Something about my constitution that has pleased me a great deal is that a doctor in Amsterdam, with whom I once discussed a few things that sometimes made me think that I wasn't long for this world, and whose opinion I didn't ask for directly, wanting simply to gauge the first impression of someone who didn't know me at all and availing myself of a small upset I had at the time to bring the conversation round to my general constitution - I was absolutely delighted that this doctor took me for an ordinary worker, saying, "I daresay you're an ironworker by trade." That's exactly what I'd been trying to achieve - when I was younger you could tell that my mind was overwrought, and now I look like a bargee or an ironworker.

And changing one's constitution so that one gets a thick skin is no easy matter. However, I must go on being careful, try to hold on to what I have and to improve on it still.

Letter 442
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I haven't lost heart yet

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 28 December 1884

Well, you can see that I am working with a will. If I could sell something so that I could earn a bit more, I should work even harder.

As for Portier - I haven't lost heart yet - but poverty is dogging my steps and at present all dealers are suffering a little from the same defect, that of being more or less "a people withdrawn from society" - they are so much sunk in gloom that how is one really to feel inspired to go grubbing about in all that indifference and apathy - the more so as the disease is contagious.

For it's just a lot of nonsense that business is slack, one has to work even so with self-confidence and enthusiasm, in short with some zeal.

Letter 442
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I want my things to be seen

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 6-7 December 1884

My best chance is in the figure, because there are relatively very few who do it, and I must seize the opportunity. I must work myself into it here, until I get into touch with good figure painters - Verhaert, for instance, and then I imagine portrait painting is the way to earn the means for greater things.

I feel a power within me to do something, I see that my work holds its own against other work, and that gives me a great craving for work; lately, when I was in the country, I began to doubt, because I noticed that Portier does not seem to care for my things any more.

One thing is certain, that I want my things to be seen. Later on we may lose courage, but we will try and put it off for a long time.

Letter 438
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The artists very often starve

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 6-7 December 1884

It is hard, terribly hard, to keep on working when one does not sell, and when one literally has to pay for one's color out of what would not be too much for eating, drinking and lodgings, however strictly calculated. And then the models besides. But all the same there is a chance, and even a good one, because comparatively speaking, there are only a few painters at work nowadays.

In my opinion they are only half to blame for that (for the other half, they are), for sometimes it is too hard.

All the same they are building State museums, and the like, for hundreds of thousands of guilders, but meanwhile the artists very often starve.

Letter 438
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A certain obstinacy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 7 December 1884

I let people say and think what they like of me, more than you perhaps suppose, but be sure of this, when a thing turns out wrong, that's no reason for me to admit that I ought not to have begun it; on the contrary, if it fails many a time, it is a reason for me to try again if the very same thing is not possible yet, and always in the same direction, as my views are well considered and calculated, and in my opinion have their raison d'etre.

I cannot bother about what people think of me, what I have to think of is getting on.

So I go my own way with a certain obstinacy, believing in some things and not believing in others.

Letter 388
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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To stand completely outside

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 15-20 November 1885

As I have been working absolutely alone for years, I imagine that, though I want to and can learn from others, and even adopt some technical things, I shall always see with my own eyes, and render things originally.

But when I got off to Amsterdam for a few days, I enjoyed seeing pictures again immensely.

For sometimes it is damned hard to stand completely outside the world of painters and pictures, and to have no contact with others. Since then I have felt the longing to go back to them, at least for a time. Having been entirely out of it for a few years and having wrestled with nature sometimes helps, and one may get a new store of courage and also of health by it, of which one can never have too much, for a painter's life is often hard enough.

Letter 434
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Let's go on quietly

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 15-20 November 1885

The other day I had a letter from Leurs about my pictures. He wrote that Tersteeg and Wisselingh had seen them, but did not care for them.

All the same I maintain that I shall bring people to have other ideas, although Tersteeg and Wisselingh may be indifferent. I have just read a few books in the style of the Souvenirs of Gigoux, which my friend in Eindhoven had ordered, and in which I found very interesting things about the men of that period, beginning with Paul Huet. And which encourage me to think that I have not attacked nature in the wrong way, nor the technique of painting, though I readily admit that I shall and must change a lot more. As to the heads which I sent you, there must be some good ones among them. I am almost sure of it. So let's go on quietly.

Letter 434
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One's whole spirit and attention

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 8-12 November 1885

One doesn't become a painter in one year, nor is it necessary.

But there is already one good thing among the lot, and one feels hopeful, instead of feeling helpless before a stone wall.

I do not know how I shall fare in the future. At present when I read of that splendid devil, that famous Latour, by God, how real it is, and how well that fellow, except for his enormous passion for money, has attacked life and painting.

Only recently I saw Frans Hals. Well, you know how enthusiastic I was about it, how I immediately wrote you a long letter about painting in one stroke. How great is the similarity between the ideas of Latour, for instance, and Frans Hals, when they express life with pastel which one could almost blow off. I don't know what I shall do and how I shall fare, but I hope not to forget the lessons which I am thus learning these days: in one stroke - but with absolutely complete exertion of one's whole spirit and attention.

Letter 431
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Many who undertake to change

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 8-12 November 1885

Now as to that acquaintance of mine and his opinion of pictures; when someone with a clear intelligent head paints still life and works out-of-doors every day, if only for a year, he need not therefore be an art critic, neither does he feel he is a painter yet, but for all that he will observe more originally than many others.

Besides, his character is not just like everybody's, for instance, he was originally intended to become a priest, at a certain moment he flatly refused this, and carried his point, in which not exactly every one in Brabant succeeds. And there is something broad-minded and loyal about him.

Zola once referred to this something in a conversation between Mouret and his school-fellow, when he let Mouret get serious and say that it had cost him a great deal to free himself from that time and its influence, but that he had wanted to live and that he had lived. Many who undertake to change fall back, don't come any further than a certain insipid methodism because they don't take their measures energetically enough.

Letter 431
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I could not sell it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 8-12 November 1885

You know those three pollard oaks at the bottom of the garden at home; I have plodded on them for the fourth time.

The difficulty was the tufts of havana leaves, to model them and give them form, color, tone. Then in the evening I took it to that acquaintance of mine in Eindhoven, who has a rather stylish drawing room, where we put it on the wall. Well, never before was I so convinced that I shall make things that do well, that I shall succeed in calculating my colors, so that I have it in my power to make the right effect.

Now, though that man has money, though he took a fancy to it, I felt such a glow of courage when I saw that it was good that, as it hung there, it created an atmosphere by the soft melancholy harmony of that combination of colors that I could not sell it.

But as he had a fancy for it, I gave it to him, and he accepted it just as I had intended, without many words, namely little more than, "The thing is damned good."

I don't think so yet myself.

Letter 431
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One has to seek for light a long time

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early November 1885

I am completely absorbed in the laws of colors. If only they had taught us them in our youth!

But it is the fate of most people that by a kind of fatality one has to seek for light a long time. For, that the laws of color which Delacroix was the first to use, like Newton did for gravitation, and like Stephenson did for steam - that those laws of colors are a ray of light - is absolutely certain.

Letter 430
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My affairs can prosper

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, November 1884

I do not know how you have taken my last letter, which was not meant unkindly. My affairs can prosper, and in both our interests, I wish we could concentrate all the power a our disposal.

I believe it possible to be on better terms with you too than we are at present.

But speaking frankly - I think you have been too neutral toward me this past one and a half or two years, and above all things I desire more cordiality, our friendship having been too cool and too inactive for my taste. You may find this conceited if you like, but it isn't; I pointed this out to you before, and again now, for serious, practical reasons.

Letter 385
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This does not discourage me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, November 1884

You know that I took steps to make it up with Mauve and Tersteeg after what happened in the past. I am not sorry I did so. But they have refused to have anything to do with me, very “definitely” refused. This does not discourage me. I consider it like sending a picture to an exhibition and having it refused. At first one must meet with opposition a few times. So I repeat, I am not sorry for the advances I made, and shall probably repeat them, not at once, but before long.

I have owned myself to be in the wrong, not only to Mauve, but also to Tersteeg. I did it the more readily because I believe that later they will see for themselves that, on their part, they have absolutely misunderstood some things. Which they don't see yet.

So on my part this time I went so far as to acknowledge unreservedly and unmistakably that I had been in the wrong as to the past, and for the rest I proposed to show them my work as it gets better - which means that at any rate I am absolved from having to make further apologies in the future. Once is enough, and really it was not necessary for me to go as far as that - namely unconditionally. Getting them to be open-minded on their part is another question - come to my aid in this matter if you feel inclined to do so. If not - don't worry - but then I shall return to the attack after a while.

Letter 385
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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With passion rather than prudence

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid-November 1884

A change has come into my color since you were here; I already had a presentiment of it when you were here, and you will see that - with some more studies, those which I am writing about now, which must be finished within a couple of months - it will be proved beyond a doubt that, exactly in the matter of color, I have achieved something. It is not my fault, but at the moment I am short of money, just because I have painted more than I could really afford, and there can be no economizing now, for we can gain important points by striking while the iron is hot. I remember having said in my last letter: "that I no longer care what your opinion is"; I don't mean that as rudely as it sounds, I only mean that in some respects I have decided to push on with passion rather than prudence, because this is more in character.

Letter 386
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I shall feel my strength grow

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid-November 1884

You must not suppose that I am so eager for people to approve of my work and my actions in general. On the contrary, for the moment, for instance, I am almost more glad that Mauve and Tersteeg have refused me than if it had been the reverse. Understand me well! It is because I feel within me the power to win them over in the end, notwithstanding everything.

I should not have applied to them again if I didn't feel that I had gained a fixed point by drudging these last years on the ABC of drawing and painting - drudging harder than they can imagine - and I should not have started a new fight if I didn't feel sure of the possibility of winning it.

I am not sure of the certainty of winning it, however, but I dare speculate on its chance, so I am none the worse for it now that I have begun to appeal to the public. In the very fight I shall feel my strength grow, and I shall learn more by criticism, by ill will, even by opposition, than by resignation.

Letter 386
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Risking one's all

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 November 1884

That the system of doing business solely if one is assured of success is not the best one, and is in reality no more than a commonplace way of looking at things.

Doing business nonetheless, doing something, moving for the sake of moving, hating stagnation and sterility, this, as I see it, is a more broad-minded and profitable way.

So it is always the same - not beating about the bush - not taking things too much to heart - but having a certain confidence in certain things; certainly gaining the ever-stronger conviction that carrying on a fight and concentrating oneself on a few well-defined points, but all the same risking one's all, is the best thing to do.

Letter 384
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If I fail, then I'll try again

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 November 1884

Rappard is doing very well, and many others too, but you can swear by it that they have not been patient and long-suffering and nothing else. We must make progress. Get used to the idea that we must get a move on.

Since my first meeting with Mauve, I have not been grinding in vain on the elements of drawing, as well as of color and of the technique of painting. I have learned new things, but I need Mauve or somebody else who is very clever, not to make me think a great deal of myself, but to give me some courage, which oozes away if things drag too long. Forward - and what the devil do I care if I fail - if I fail, then I'll try again.

Letter 384
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something will happen before long

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 November 1884

I have not written to Mauve or Tersteeg in a complaining tone. On the contrary, but I said as forcibly as I could, Give me another opportunity to make a few studies at Mauve's! I will harp on it till Mauve gives in.

If I fail alone, we must ask Mauve together until he gives in. Then, after that, I shall have gained some hints for correcting my work here and improving it, and I shall again have a pied-a-terre with a solid, serious painter, and then I warrant you, something will happen before long - either I shall exhibit or I shall sell.

And so, courage!

Letter 384
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Risk too much rather than too little

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 17 November 1883

Fortune favors the bold, says the proverb, and though something may perhaps be said against it, I decidedly believe its basis to be a fact, in the same way as the opposite: that moral weakness or want of courage brings a kind of fatal doom in the end.

So my plan is always to risk too much rather than too little; if one is defeated by too much, well, so be it.

Letter 341
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"I shall grow in the tempest"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 17 November 1883

Well, I repeat, let us possess our souls in patience, let things decide themselves. . . .

I admit it is very difficult to know what one has to do. Money plays a brutal part in society, and I partially share your feelings in that respect. But then, I feel such a vivid hope that painting will set our real energy free, and yet keep us afloat, though the first years may be very difficult. If I have to perish, then I shall perish, is the only thing one can say. As to my saying, If you stay with Goupil for good, I shall be obliged to refuse your help, do not suppose I think too highly of my present work.

No, I am well aware it had no market value, but my idea is that I want to work without any more protection than others have, and I shall throw myself into it headlong, not because I think I have arrived, but because I believe: "I shall grow in the tempest."

Letter 341
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I think Paris enervating

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 17 November 1883

And, for myself, I think Paris enervating, and I see no good in living there permanently, neither for myself nor for you.

As for me, perhaps I shall have to be there for a time in order to make some contacts (made impossible for me at The Hague), but I will stay in the country as much as I can, and the only thing which counts with me is painting or drawing. . . .

How inexpressibly beautiful it is here!

You cannot see it at all from my studies yet; I still have much to learn before I can express how it really is here, and it is also a question of time.

One thing I declare, that this country had an influence of calm, of faith, of courage on me, and I believe you need that influence too - it would be the very, very best thing for you; it would make you discover yourself again, your soul, but in a more genuine and complete way than at the time of drawing mills. But I am afraid you consider what I say as the product of my imagination, my words as idle and without foundation.

Letter 341
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Get to work now

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 3 November 1883

Well, dear fellow, what I advise you is something quite new. "The faith of a coalminer" in art, instead of saying (and to me it is twaddle), I can't do anything, I am not an artist, do not attribute qualities to me that I do not possess, and all that rubbish. I tell you this is a delusion, and now, my dear fellow, things are so serious, and your future and mine are so terribly dependent on them that you must not take it amiss if I tell you a little baldly that the right thing to do under the circumstances is to undertake painting with the faith of a coalminer. . . .

Perhaps, or rather, assuredly, we were mistaken in not starting on it sooner, but this mistake is understandable on account of our education and the influences we were submitted to; but this is all the more reason to get to work now with a steadiness and a resolution which I doubt we should have had at our disposal in our younger days. So it appears to me that we must concentrate our whole energy on painting with the utmost singleness of purpose - it being the raft that will take us safely to shore after the shipwreck - undertaking it in all cheerfulness.

Letter 339b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Radical renewal

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

To me painting is too logical, too reasonable, too straightforward to allow me personally ever to change my course. Besides, you yourself helped me realize the idea of a handicraft, and I know that basically it is your idea too, so I think we ought to cooperate from now on.

My reason, my conscience, compel me to tell you what is partially your own view too; there is nothing to fall back on but a radical renewal.

I do not wish to flatter you, all right, I do not flatter. As to rousing your courage, yes, I dare to, I dare rouse the very highest courage and serenity in you, but only as regards painting.

As far as I can see, going on in Paris, even if you were able to stick it out for many years, will not grant you peace, and there would not be so much opportunity for being as useful to others as if you were a painter.

Letter 337
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The risk of going on

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

In short, there are limits, and my intuition tells me you have almost reached that point.

Look here - as regards now or never - making oneself scarce or disappearing, neither you nor I should ever do that, no more than commit suicide.

I too have my moments of deep melancholy, but I say again, both you and I ought to regard the idea of disappearing or making oneself scarce as becoming neither you nor me.

And notwithstanding all, one should take the risk of going on, even when one feels that it is impossible, of going on with the desperate feeling that it will end in disappearance - but on the other hand, in our consciences there is that "beware!!!"

Letter 337
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A new and sure ground

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

One feels things to be wretched and much too distorted, and however peaceful and cheerful and full of serenity one's natural disposition may be, one feels that this cannot be otherwise - but then I ask, what is more practical than telling yourself: If I don't do anything about it, I shall lose my energy and strength of mind; I am going to refresh, to rejuvenate myself in nature; I am going to attack things in a new way, and I will arrange my life in such a way that, let's say, in a few years I shall have quite new and sure ground under my feet.

Letter 339a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A revolution

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 28 October 1883

I don't suppose I'm telling you anything at all new, I only ask, Don't thwart your own best thoughts. Think that idea over with a certain good-humored optimism instead of looking at things gloomily and pessimistically. I see that even Millet, just because he was so serious, couldn't help keeping good courage. . . .

Those who seek real simplicity are themselves so simple, and their view of life is so full of willingness and courage, even in hard times.

Think these things over, write me about them. It must be "A revolution that is, because it must be."

Letter 336
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Learn patience

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 28 October 1883

There is a saying of Gustave Dore's which I have always admired, "I have the patience of a cow," I find a certain goodness in it, a certain resolute honesty - in short, that saying has a deep meaning, it is the word of a real artist. When one thinks of the man from whose heart such a saying sprang, all those oft-repeated art dealer's arguments about "natural gifts" seem to become an abominably discordant raven's croaking. "I have patience" - how quiet it sounds, how dignified; they wouldn't even say it except for that very raven's croaking. I am not an artist - how coarse it sounds - even to think so of oneself - oughtn't one to have patience, oughtn't one to learn patience from nature, learn patience from seeing the corn slowly ripen, seeing things grow - should one think oneself so absolutely dead as to imagine that one would not grow any more? Should one thwart one's own development on purpose? I say this to explain why I think it so foolish to speak about natural gifts and no natural gifts.

Letter 336
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I should be more myself

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 28 October 1883

I know all these things have a perilous money side, but what I say is, let's weaken this perilous money side as much as possible, in the first place by not being under its sway too long, and then by feeling that if one will only set about things with love, with a certain understanding of each other and cooperation and mutual helpfulness, many things which would otherwise be insupportable would be softened - yes, even totally changed.

As for me, if I could find some people whom I could talk to about art, who felt for it and wanted to feel for it - I should gain an enormous advantage in my work - I should feel more myself, be more myself. If there is enough money to keep us going in the very first period, by the time it is gone I shall be earning money.

Letter 336
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What days these are

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 17 September 1888

What days these are, not for what happens in them, but I feel so strongly that both you and I are neither in our decadence nor done for yet, nor shall we ever be.

But you know, I do not contradict the critics who will say that my pictures are not - finished.

Letter 539
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am so happy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 17 September 1888

As long as you can manage to bear the burden of all this paint and canvas and all the money that I spend, keep on sending it. Because the stuff I am getting ready will be better than the last batch, and I think we shall make something on it instead of losing. If only I can manage to do a coherent whole. That is what I am trying to do. . . .

I am so happy in the house and in my work that I even dare to think that this happiness will not always be limited to one, but that you will have a share in it and good luck to go with it.

Letter 539
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My revenge

Vincent van Gogh to Wilhelmina van Gogh, from Arles, 16 September 1888

My dear sister, it is my belief that it is actually one's duty to paint the rich and magnificent aspects of nature. We need gaiety and happiness, hope and love.

The more ugly, old, mean, ill, poor I get, the more I want to take my revenge by producing a brilliant color, well arranged, resplendent. Jewelers too get old and ugly before they learn how to arrange precious stones properly. And arranging the colors in a painting in order to make them vibrate and to enhance their value by their contrasts is something like arranging jewels properly or designing costumes. You will see that by making a habit of looking at Japanese pictures you will love to make up bouquets and to do things with flowers all the more.

Letter W07
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Bright sunshine or a starry sky

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 9 September 1888

Someday or other you shall have a picture of the little house itself in bright sunshine, or else with the window lit up, and a starry sky.

Henceforth you can feel that you have your country house in Arles. For I am very anxious to arrange it so that you will be pleased with it, and so that it will be a studio in an absolutely individual style; that way, if say a year from now you come here and to Marseilles for your vacation, it will be ready then, and the house, as I intend it, will be full of pictures from top to bottom.

The room you will have then, or Gauguin if he comes, will have white walls with a decoration of great yellow sunflowers.

In the morning, when you open the window, you see the green of the gardens and the rising sun, and the road into the town.

Letter 534
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Preparing a new road

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 1 September 1888

I feel that even so late in the day I could be a very different painter if I were capable of getting my own way with the models, but I also feel the possibility of going to seed and of seeing the day of one's capacity for artistic creation pass, just as a man loses his virility in the course of his life.

That is inevitable, and naturally in this as in the other, the one thing to do is to be of good heart and strike while the iron is hot.

And I often get downhearted. But Gauguin and so many others are in exactly the same position, and above all we must seek the remedy within ourselves, in good will and patience, and at the same time struggle to be something more than mediocrities. Perhaps we shall be preparing a new road while we do this.

Letter 530
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Be daring like a young man

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, September 1884

If only a number of Mourets would come forward, who would buy and sell in a way different from the old routine, it would be excellent - then there would be more and more work to do. But if no Mourets came forward, then the trade may undergo a complete change because the painters themselves might put it on a new basis by starting permanent exhibitions without the old intermediary. I so much wish you knew and felt how young you are still, if only you would act and be daring like a young man.

If you are no artist in painting then try to be an artist as a dealer like Mouret. As for myself - though at present I am on ne peut plus hard up - yet I feel that within a few years I shall blithely dare to undertake running up much bigger bills for colors and other things. I want to have a lot of work to do - believe me - and I don't intend to be bored - do a great deal or drop dead.

Letter 379
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If I were not as I am

Vincent van Gogh to Wilhelmina van Gogh, from Paris, Summer-Fall 1887

My own adventures are confined chiefly to making swift progress toward growing into a little old man - you know, with wrinkles, a tough beard and a number of false teeth, and so on. But what does all that matter? I have a dirty and difficult trade - painting, and if I were not as I am, I should not paint; but being as I am, I often work with pleasure and can visualize the vague possibility of one day doing paintings with some youth and freshness in them, even though my own youth is one of the things I have lost.

If I didn't have Theo, I should not be able to do justice to my work, but having him for a friend, I'm sure I shall make progress and things will fall into place. As soon as possible I plan to spend some time in the south, where there is even more color and even more sun.

But what I really hope to do is to paint a good portrait. So there.

Letter W01
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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…and not let anything crush us

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, late August 1885

Really, when I think of my own experience, when I think how my working for some years at Goupil & Co.'s ended in my being drawn very strongly toward home, when I think how there followed for me an absolutely bewildering crisis which soon left me entirely alone, and how everything and everybody I had formerly relied upon changed completely and left me high and dry. When I think of those melancholy times, I am so afraid that the present will prove to be no firm ground under your feet. . . . I speak as somebody who has known strife and is still in the midst of the fight. Well with every new year time seems to go more quickly, more things seem to happen, things go in a greater rush.

I say this without beating about the bush in order to show you that, in case things were to change for you, I should think it the most natural and comprehensible thing in the world, and far from wanting to reproach you with anything, I should propose that we undertake more things together, and not let anything crush us, either of us. On the contrary, we should both show that our hearts are full of vim and energy - and love of art of a sterling quality.

I often have to fight against rather serious troubles, instead of being prosperous, quite the opposite.

Well - but the more unfavorable outward circumstances become, the more the inner resources, that is the love for the work, increase. And if no new resources, yet new - renewed - chances will offer themselves.

Letter 422
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Total annihilation

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from Nuenen, second half of August 1885

For the rest - you will experience it yourself - it is less a golden age than an iron age for painters - I mean, it is not exactly easy for them to keep alive - no more than that. At least as far as I am concerned it is open misery - but despite that my courage, and perhaps my powers too, are greater rather than smaller than they were before. Don't think you're the only one who considers or considered it his duty to criticize me, you know, even to the limits of total annihilation; on the contrary, it's about the only thing I have encountered so far. For the very reason that you are, or were, not the only one to speak in this way and no other, your criticism is connected with other criticism to which I on my part oppose the conviction that my endeavors have a raison d'etre, and to which I shall continue to oppose it more and more strongly.

Letter R57
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Union is strength

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, second half of August 1885

As to Rappard, I just wrote to him, I want him to retract completely what he has written. But you see, Theo, how much depends on being consistent in one's work.

I wrote Rappard that actually we have to fight other things than each other, and that at this moment those painting rural life and the life of the people must join hands because union is strength.

At any rate, one cannot do it alone; a whole group that is of the same mind can do more. You too must be of good courage, for perhaps we shall make more friends and then will become more animated, and perhaps the mutual discord will change into a peasant uprising against the kind of painters one finds on every jury nowadays, who, if they could, would even now obstruct the ideas which Millet pioneered.

Letter 415
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Only by perseverance do we have a chance

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, second half of August 1885

But I know for sure that I will get the figures even better if only I have some luck with the money and can continue working on them at full speed; but that is what rather worries me, and for this month I am absolutely cleaned out. I am literally without a penny.

We shall have hard times; it is not all my fault, but only by perseverance do we have a chance to reap, after some time, what we are sowing. . . .

One must not call it engaging in a hopeless struggle, for others have won, and we shall win too.

Letter 415
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We must try energetically to push forward

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 7 August 1885

And to you I speak, and I shall go on speaking, as one person dealing in pictures to another person dealing in pictures, and I will not trespass on the other territory.

And the question I started discussing with you is that however great the depression may be, and however much trouble we shall have to take, we must try energetically to push forward the little painting business that belongs to you as much as to me.

I say it may be a lifeboat which may be of use to you in the tempest, although I don't wish for this tempest any more than you can wish for it.

Letter 419b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something will and shall come of it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 7 August 1885

With this letter I cry out to you once more that my request for reinforcement may prove to be in both our interests, and I do not make it out of selfishness, as you suppose. . . . I should not cry out to you without necessity. I am not afraid in the midst of danger either, but I try to be ready at the moment of distress.

It may be that you don't think it reasonable of me to insist on my - and I should much prefer to say our - little painting business becoming the center of a larger business which we might undertake together later on; but I for my part persist in claiming that something will and shall come of it, if only we remain sufficiently united.

If I haven't the same ideas as you, don't suspect me of bad faith or of evil intentions.

Letter 419b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I don't ask high prices

Vincent van Gogh to Mr. Furnee, from Nuenen, 3 August 1885

I work too hard to believe that I work in vain. . . .

I buy nearly everything cash down and I regulate my requirements so much in accordance with my ready money that now and then weeks pass without my spending a single guilder except on bread. . . . I have no friends - and yet I tell you, do not despair of getting your money!

But could you manage to show some of my work at The Hague? That would be the best thing, and in this way you would serve your own interests as well as mine. I don't ask high prices, and the amount in question is not big. And therefore I suggest you try it. I haven't any money, less than ever before, as this is a period in which I am making myself independent of all subsidies.

Letter 419a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I myself have to wait

Vincent van Gogh to Mr. Furnee, from Nuenen, 3 August 1885

At present I need colors quite as much as money.

As I am very much afraid of being in debt, I do not run up high bills, I buy very little and only cash down, and I use only the colors I get brayed here.

If I am forced to let you wait, it is because I have to wait even worse myself.

As for drawing a bill of exchange, I tell you emphatically that I do not appeal to your clemency, that you would, however, have to take extreme measures, and I add that it would be to my advantage, as I possess literally nothing but my tools. . . .

I offer you my apologies for all this, but the circumstances I related are my excuse. However, I am not doing so badly, and above all things you should not despair of getting your money; it will be all right, but I myself have to wait worse and longer than you.

Letter 419a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I love painting so

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

I am almost sorry to have started painting again, for I wish I hadn't begun it if I can't carry on. I can't do without colors, and colors are expensive, and I can't get more on credit because I still owe a little to Leurs and Stam. And yet I love painting so. . . .

The sea, which I love enormously, must be brushed in oil, otherwise one cannot get hold of it.

Look here, Theo, I only hope you won't get discouraged, for indeed, when you speak of, "giving no hope for the future," it makes me melancholy. You must keep courage and energy to send the money, otherwise I'm on the rocks and cannot go on.

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My life is too cramped and meager

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

I feel my ardor vanishing, one needs to have a fixed point somewhere. When you say, "Set your hopes on the future," it sounds to me as if you yourself had no confidence in me.

Is this true? I can't help it, my spirits are low because of all these cares. I only wish you were here.

You say that the effect of the lithographs is somewhat meager. I am not in the least surprised when I think of how a man's physique influences his work, and my life is too cramped and meager. Really, Theo, we ought to have had a little more to eat for the sake of the work, but I could not afford it, and it will remain so as long as I cannot breathe a little more freely.

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"Let us hope for better times"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

So now my first batch of photographs for you to show to some artists coincides with your "I can give you little hope for the future." Has anything happened? . . .

It wouldn't make me so melancholy, brother, if you hadn't added something which worries me. You say, "Let us hope for better times."

You see, in my opinion that is one of those things one should beware of. To hope for better times must not be a feeling but an action in the present. My actions depend on yours in that if you should stop sending money, I couldn't go on and should just be in a desperate position.

Just because I felt the hope for better times strongly, I threw all my strength into the present work, without thinking of the future other than to trust the work would find its wages, though we must pinch ourselves as to food, drink and clothes more and more every week.

There was the question of Scheveningen, the question of painting. I thought, "All right, let's carry it through." But now I could almost wish I had not started it, boy, for the expenses are heavy and I cannot meet them.

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"Little hope for the future"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

Thanks for your letter, thanks for the enclosure, though I cannot repress a feeling of sadness at your saying, "I can give you little hope for the future."

If you mean this only in a financial sense, I shouldn't mind it so much, but if it's in reference to my work, I don't quite understand why I deserve it. . . .

I do not know what you mean by that expression, how can I know it? Your letter is too short, but it hit me unexpectedly right in the heart.

But I should like to know what you really mean by it, whether you have noticed that I have made some progress or not.

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If one tries one's utmost

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

But, boy, you know it yourself - what things in practical life must one devote one's strength and thought and energy to? One must take a chance and say, I will do a certain thing and carry it through. Well, then it may turn out wrong, and one may hit an impenetrable barrier when people do not care for it; but one needn't care after all, need one? I don't think one has to worry over it; but sometimes it becomes too hard, and one feels miserable against one's will.

And now I thought, I am sorry that I didn't fall ill and die in the Borinage that time, instead of taking up painting, for I am only a burden to you. And yet I cannot help it, for one must go through many phases to become a good painter, and what one makes in the meantime is not exactly bad if one tries one's utmost; but there ought to be people who see it in the light of its tendency and objective, and who do not ask the impossible.

Things are looking dark right now.

Letter 302
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It seemed to me a mistake

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

In fact, I have no real friend but you, and when I am in low spirits, I always think of you. I only wish you were here, that we might again talk together about moving to the country. . . .

I have tried to work a little today, but suddenly I was overcome by a depression which I cannot exactly account for. At such moments one wishes one were made of iron, and regrets that one is only flesh and blood.

I had written you early this morning, but after I had mailed my letter, it suddenly seemed as if all my troubles crowded together to overwhelm me, and it became too much for me because I could no longer look clearly into the future. I can't put it any other way, and I can't understand why I shouldn't succeed in my work.

I have put all my heart into it, and, for a moment at least, that seemed to me a mistake.

Letter 302
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What becomes of the policeman?

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 July 1883

I hope you will write me in detail about Les Cent Chefs-d'Oeuvre - it must have been a good thing to have seen such a show.

And when one thinks how at the time there were a few persons whose character, intention and genius were rather suspect in the public's opinion - persons about whom the most absurd things were told, Millet, Corot, Daubigny, etc., who were thought of the way the village policeman views a stray shaggy dog, or a tramp without a passport - and time passes, and voila "les cent chefs-d'oeuvre," and if a hundred are not enough, then innumerable ones. And what becomes of the policeman? Very little remains of them except a number of summonses as curiosities. Yet I think the history of great men is tragic - though it's true that they did not meet only village policemen in their lives - for usually they are no longer alive when their work is publicly acknowledged, and for a long time during their lives they are under a kind of depression because of the opposition and the difficulties of struggling through life. And so whenever I hear of such a public acknowledgment of the merits of such and such a one, I think the more vividly of the quiet, somewhat somber figures of those who personally had few friends, and then, in their simplicity, I find them even greater and more tragic.

Letter 297
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The so-called experts

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, June 1885

I am very glad to hear that Serret is a painter, about whom you had already written things which I perfectly well remember, but the name had escaped me. . . . As to what Serret says, I quite agree with him - I shall just send him a line, because I should like to become friends with him. As I told you already, I have been busy drawing figures recently; I will send them especially for the sake of Serret, to show him that I am far from indifferent to the unity and the form of a figure. . . .

Serret may agree with you that to paint good pictures and to sell them are two separate things. But it is not at all true. When at last the public saw Millet, all his work together, then the public both in Paris and in London was enthusiastic.

And who were the persons that had suppressed and refused Millet? The art dealers, the so-called experts.

Letter 413
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Painting is a home

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, June 1885

If I could earn something with my work, if we had some firm ground, be it ever so little, under our feet for our daily existence, and if then the desire to become an artist took for you the form of, let me say, Hennebeau in "Germinal," discounting all difference in age, etc. - what pictures you could still make then! The future is always different from what one expects, so one never can be sure. The drawback of painting is that, if one does not sell one's pictures, one still needs money for paint and models in order to make progress. And that drawback is a bad thing. But for the rest, painting and, in my opinion, especially the painting of rural life, gives serenity, though one may have all kinds of worries and miseries on the surface of life. I mean painting is a home and one does not experience that homesickness, that peculiar feeling Hennebeau had.

Letter 413
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I cannot say why or how

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 1 June 1885

As to what you write about Portier, "He may be more of an enthusiast than a merchant," and as to your doubting whether he can do anything with my work, I think that neither you nor I nor he can decide this for the moment.

But when you see him, tell him frankly that my idea is: when, after the sympathy he professed for my work, I try my utmost to send him work and thus remain consistent, I firmly count on his persevering in showing my work.

Tell him my idea is that part of the public in Paris will not always remain the dupe of convention, however attractive it may be, but, on the contrary, things which have kept the dust of the cottages or of the fields most will find there some very faithful friends, though I cannot say why or how.

So that he must not be easily discouraged, for neither you nor I would blame him if he did not succeed at once, but he must go on showing it and I shall go on sending.

Letter 410
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The confidence that it will come out right

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 23-28 June 1883

As I write you, I think of that evening - perhaps you remember it, though it is years ago - when you and I together spent an evening with Mauve, when he was still living near the barracks, and he gave us a photograph of a drawing of his, a plow.

Little did I dream at the time that I myself should become a draftsman, nor could I think at the time that difficulties would ever arise between Mauve and me.

I always wonder at our not having made up, the more so because really, if one considers it thoroughly, there is hardly any difference of opinion between us. However, it is so long ago now that my good spirits with regard to my work and the confidence that it will come out right after all are beginning to return. I have experienced that before, notwithstanding everything, but one can't help getting upset and having a melancholy feeling when such persons disapprove of it or say that you are on the wrong track.

Letter 296
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This long period of drudgery

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 23-28 June 1883

It is true that I have written you often lately, but my letters harp so much on the same thing that I am angry with myself for not writing you in a somewhat more amusing way. It will come back someday - I think that when you have been in the studio again, there will be more animating subjects to write about. At least I hope so, and there will be, if you feel sympathy for what I am doing and what you have not yet seen. . . .

Right now I am working on no less than seven or eight drawings of about a meter in size, so you can imagine that I am up to my ears in work.

But I hope so much that my hand will become more skillful from this long period of drudgery.

Letter 296
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Your sacrifices have borne some fruit

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 June 1883

And with regard to my finances, know it well that whatever you can spare is as absolutely necessary to me as the air I breathe, and that my productivity depends on it, but I don't think you need be afraid of taking any steps toward recommending my work, for it will not be a failure; I think I can assure you we will find friends for it. And for my part, in order to lighten the burden for you, though apart from that I assure you I did not like it at all, I wrote to C. M., and I want to ask you: could you perhaps write a little word to Tersteeg, telling him that I am working on those large drawings? Look here, boy, if Mauve gave a helping hand now, for instance, perhaps, perhaps they might be turned into paintings. I think the studies and compositions are worked out enough to serve as a foundation for a painted picture. If I had the means, I would not care to sell these at all, and I should keep my work together till it formed a good whole.

And know that I long terribly for your coming. I think you will see, brother, that your faithful help and your sacrifices for me have borne some fruit, and will bear even more.

Letter 290
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Keep courage and grind on

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 May 1883

Well, I came back from Rappard's full of plans and full of hope, because there I saw the fruits of the studies already - that is to say, combinations of different figures in more important compositions. That is what I can expect too. But it takes time, and in the meantime one must go on making new studies after the model. The good things can be separated from among them. The best of our arrangement is that the studies are kept together, either by you or by me - let us keep courage and grind on.

Letter 286
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Sometimes with a kind of fury

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 May 1883

But, Theo, the work brings so many expenses: and in many things I haven't the free hand that would be necessary. Of course, the household costs are heavy too. One needs food and clothes, there is also the studio rent; well, but it certainly has cheered me that Rappard likes several things I've done, and now that I've seen what his own work is like, I am even more glad that some of my things pleased him.

I am always afraid of not working enough; I think I can do so much better still, and that is what I am striving for, sometimes with a kind of fury.

Letter 286
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The difficulties are often brain-wracking

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When your money arrived this morning, I had been without money - absolutely without a penny - for about a week. Besides, all my drawing material was used up. . . .

I am very, very sorry I have to ask for it, but if there is the slightest possibility, send me another 10 francs. A week's work depends on it, for I cannot expect an answer from Rappard right away. I am already hard up, and have made arrangements with models. After Rappard sends me the money, the time will come when things will run smoothly again. If you can send it, this week will pass without a hitch; if not, the damage will be unpleasant. But do not be angry with me; it was a combination of expenses, all strictly necessary, which I could not avoid. And if you cannot send it - well, it will not kill us. The difficulties in small matters, even when small sums of money are involved, are often really brain-wracking, and this is such a case. I hope Rappard will be able to help me a little, for I need it as much as a meadow needs the rain after a long drought.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If you do not forsake me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

I hope you have received the drawings I sent I think about May 10. There were twenty-five of them in a portfolio; I have not heard from you about them.

I do wish there were a few other people for whom I could do something on the same conditions as C. M.'s. And especially that C. M. continues to order, for these drawings are much better than the first, and by and by I shall do them even better. And at that price he certainly isn't getting a bad bargain.

You know how it is: if you do not forsake me because of Sien, then I shall be full of courage. And at four in the morning I am already at my work, so I shall get through with a little sympathy from those who know me. I am longing for your letter, a handshake in thought, but do write soon and deliver me from the landlord.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Deliver me from the landlord

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

But, brother, it has been a hard fortnight for me. When I wrote you about the middle of May, I had only 3 or 3.50 guilders left after I had paid the baker; and I have had hardly anything to eat but dry black bread with some coffee, . . . .

Now I have to pay the house rent on the first of June, and I have nothing, literally nothing. I hope you will send something.

A week ago I felt very faint from continuous sleeplessness. Now that I have had some luck with a few drawings and the order for C. M. is almost finished, I have new courage and am a little calmer.

But, brother, do write to me soon and deliver me from the landlord, for you know he won't be put off.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It will find its friends

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2 April 1883

You write about some art lovers who might take my work some time, even though it shouldn't become exactly a current article. Well, I really believe the same. If I should succeed in putting some warmth and love into my work, it will find its friends. The thing is to keep on working.

Letter 278
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I must become more skilled

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 March 1883

What I myself dislike more than that line of the composition is something which, in fact, you have noticed, that the two figures are too much of one tone . . . . But I think that the principal reason is that I do not always have time enough to work as elaborately as I should like. If one works a long time on a drawing, it is possible to go more into detail, to seek the different tones. But too often I must work in a hurry. I dare not ask too much from my models. If I paid them better, I should have the right to demand longer poses, and could make better progress.

At present, I often think I get more from them than a just return on what I pay them in money.

However, I do not mean to say that there is not a still more important reason, namely, that I must become more skilled than I am before I can be ever so slightly satisfied with myself. And by and by I hope to make better and more elaborate things in the same amount of time that I now spend on them.

Letter 274
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Moments of melancholy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 March 1883

You write in your letter something which I sometimes feel also: "Sometimes I do not know how I shall pull through."

Look here, I often feel the same in more than one respect, not only in financial things, but in art itself, and in life in general. But do you think that something exceptional? Don't you think every man with a little pluck and energy has those moments?

Moments of melancholy, of distress, of anguish, I think we all have them, more or less, and it is a condition of every conscious human life. It seems that some people have no self-consciousness. But those who have it, they may sometimes be in distress, but for all that they are not unhappy, nor is it something exceptional that happens to them.

And sometimes there comes relief, sometimes there comes new inner energy, and one rises up from it, till at last, some day, one perhaps doesn't rise up any more, que soit*, but that is nothing extraordinary, and I repeat, such is the common human fate, in my opinion.

*So be it

Letter 274
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something is ripening within us

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 March 1883

A weaver who has to direct and to interweave a great many little threads has no time to philosophize about it, but rather he is so absorbed in his work that he doesn't think but acts, and he feels how things must go more than he can explain it. Even though neither you nor I, in talking together, would come to any definite plans, etc., perhaps we might mutually strengthen that feeling that something is ripening within us. And that is what I should like.

Letter 274
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Financial difficulties hamper me

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 5 March 1883

The Hague is beautiful - and there is an enormous variety of scenes. I hope to work hard this year. There are also often financial difficulties that hamper me, which you will understand, and this is the very reason why - because I want to work much and must in fact do so - I shall concentrate more and more on black and white.

When I'm doing watercolors or oil paintings I must stop every now and then on account of the expense, but with a piece of crayon or lead pencil one has only the expense of the model and some paper. And I prefer to spend the little I have on models, I assure you, than to spend it on painting materials. I have never regretted the money I spend on models.

Letter R30
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Shall I succeed?

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

Rappard always works with models, too, and in my opinion there is no better way. Especially if one sticks to one model, one finds more and more qualities in it. So this letter complements yesterday's, in so far as you will see from it that today I made a plan for a new watercolor of the same kind I sent you, and that tomorrow I shall have the models for it. I hope to finish this one more thoroughly than the one I sent you. Shall I succeed? I can't tell beforehand.

I started, though I am still short of a few things. But one thing I have now that I didn't have before, and that is the better light. And it is worth more to me than ever so many colors. If I can have the colors too, please let me have them; but I have had so many things from you already, and in many respects I am so little satisfied with the result, till now, that I hardly dare to ask for them. As in algebra the product of two negatives is a positive, so I hope that the product of failures may be success.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am not quite satisfied

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

Among the studies of heads - old men, etc. - which I still have, there are some which I will not be able to improve at once, because there is unquestionably some touch of nature in them, and at the same time something with which I am, of course, not quite satisfied; so I dare not say "I shall do it better in a few days."

But I mean something else by "better drawings," that is, drawn from a different point of view, and with more chiaroscuro in them, of which there is little or none in this winter's studies.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I can promise you better drawings

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

I can promise you better drawings before long.

At all events, whether you can send me something or not, I can promise you better drawings before long.

The change in the studio itself, as far as it goes, enables me to undertake some new things already.

But there would be fewer obstacles in the way, if you could send me something extra just now. I am afraid that otherwise I should be checked by some things, either by the lack of drawing materials or by not being able to take models, or by the making of a few more alterations.

I mention "better drawings," this is meant comparatively.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Now I have a chance

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

I love my studio the way a sailor loves his ship. I know that in time it will become just what I want, but my purse doesn't always allow me to do what I should like. But the things which one buys in this way are things that last, and now I have a chance which perhaps I shouldn't get again later.

The change in the studio brings even more expenses - indirectly rather than directly - for I won't consider it finished before I have many more things which are necessary to make it practical.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I hate this so much

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 March 1883

I should not want anybody to see just this one sketch of mine, because I myself think nothing is right in this sketch except the general aspect, and I will wrestle with the figures till I get in watercolor what they are beginning to get in lithography - that is, more character and effect.

It is not pleasant to make sketches like the one I sent you, and then not to be able to finish them; I hate this so much that I rarely make them, except as a trial to see if I have made any progress. But now I have new courage and interest, just because I have been making a great many studies again. . . .

The desire to make them is not wanting, but I expect new failures - which I hope, however will have something in them to encourage rather than to make one lose courage though they are failures.

Letter 270
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I start drudging again

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 March 1883

I love watercolor too much ever to give it up entirely, I come back to it again and again. But the foundation of everything is the knowledge of the figure, so that one can readily draw men and women and children whatever they are doing. So this is my chief aim, which cannot be realized in any other way, I think.

And I try to work myself up to a higher level of knowledge and ability in general, rather than to care very much about finishing off some particular sketch. After having drawn for a month, I now and then make a few watercolors, for instance, by way of casting the plummet to fathom my depth. Each time I see that I have overcome some obstacles, but that new difficulties have arisen. Then I start drudging again to conquer those.

Letter 270
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Many more failures

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 March 1883

I shall have to put up with many more failures, for I believe that in watercolor much depends on a great dexterity and quickness of touch. One must work in it before it is dry to get harmony, and one hasn't much time for reflection then. So the principal thing is not finishing each one separately, no, one must put down those twenty or thirty heads rapidly, one after the other.

Here follow a few curious sayings about water colors: "There is something devilish about the watercolor"; and the other is by Whistler, who said, "Yes, I did that in two hours, but I studied for years to be able to accomplish this in two hours."

Letter 270
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The sacred fire

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 18-23 February 1884

Francois Coppee's "Desir dans le spleen" especially I think so true, it paints how, in those very souls that are exhausted and on the verge of dropping, there arises at moments that infinite renewal of desire, as if they had no past behind them. I thought of Rembrandt's "Jewish Bride," and what Thore says of it. Thore in his prime, and Theophile Gautier and so many others - how things have changed since then - and how much duller everything has become. If one wants to keep some of the sacred fire alive nowadays, in short, one must show it as little as possible to others.

Letter 357
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Not a soul I can confide in

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 February 1883

I am glad that my eyes are no worse, rather a little better, but it is not quite over yet and I must be careful. I can tell you, it was quite upsetting. How I should love to talk with you - for I am not discouraged about the work, nor listless nor disheartened, but I am at a standstill, and that is, perhaps, because I ought to have some intercourse with someone who is sympathetic to me and whom I could talk to about it; right now there is not a soul here whom I can confide in. . . .

I like the proverb, "When things are at their worst, they are sure to mend," but now and then I ask myself, "Haven't we by any chance reached the worst?" for the "mending" would not be at all unwelcome to me. Well, we'll see.

Letter 266
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Life is only a kind of sowing time

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 8 February 1883

What concerns me and is a source of responsibility is that I should make the most of the circumstances and try my best to make progress.

The age of thirty is, for the working man, just the beginning of a period of some stability, and as such one feels young and full of energy.

But, at the same time, a phase of life is past. This makes one melancholy, thinking some things will never come back. And it is no silly sentimentalism to feel a certain regret. Well, many things really begin at the age of thirty, and certainly all is not over then. But one doesn't expect out of life what one has already learned that it cannot give, but rather one begins to see more and more clearly that life is only a kind of sowing time, and the harvest is not here.

Perhaps that's the reason that one sometimes feels indifferent toward the opinion of the world, and if that opinion depresses us all too strongly, one may throw it off.

Perhaps I had better tear up this letter as well.

Letter 265
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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