I should drop dead

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I thought my teeth were bad for another reason, and I didn't know that my stomach had deteriorated to such a degree. It is stupid if you will, but sometimes one has to choose between two evils, and is trapped on both sides.

You see I am not stronger than other people in that if I neglected myself too much, it would be the same with me as with so many painters (so very many if one thinks it over), I should drop dead, or worse still - become insane or an idiot.

This is a fact, and the question is to steer a clear course between the various cliffs, and even if one gets damaged, to try to keep the ship afloat.

I know that Delacroix said he had learned the secret of painting: "When he had neither teeth nor breath left." But I also know that from that moment he took care of himself. And that, except for his mistress, he would have died ten or more years sooner.

So do not be angry with me because of the expense. I shall try to economize, but things were getting too bad and I had to remedy them.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It is no bad sign

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 3 February 1886

For speaking of Cormon, I think he would tell me much the same thing as Verlat, namely that I must draw from the nude or plaster casts for a year, just because I have always been drawing from life.

And when people like Verlat or Cormon, for instance, demand this of a fellow, I assure you it is no bad sign. For there are plenty of those whom Verlat simply lets drudge on, for they will never attain anything. You speak of clever fellows in that studio of Cormon's - just because I would damn well like to be one of them, I feel for myself that I must insist on devoting at least a year in Paris to drawing from the nude and from plaster casts. And do not think this is a long way, for it is a short one. One who can draw a figure from memory is much more productive than one who cannot. And you will see how productive I shall become by taking the trouble to draw for a whole year.

Letter 449
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I cannot master the rest

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, February 1885

When there was snow, I also painted a few studies of our garden. The landscape has changed much since then; now we have splendid evening skies of lilac with gold over dark silhouettes of cottages between the masses of ruddy-colored brushwood - above which rise the spare black poplars, while the foregrounds are of a faded and bleached green, varied by strips of black earth and pale withered rushes along the ditch edges.

I certainly see all this too - I think it just as superb as anybody else, but I am even more interested in the proportion of a figure, the division of the oval of the head, and I cannot master the rest before I have a better grip on the figure.

Well - first comes the figure; I personally cannot understand the rest without it, and it is the figure that creates the atmosphere.

Letter 394
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It has been too hard for me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

And I wish I could make you understand how probable it is that there will be great changes in the art trade. And, consequently, many new chances will present themselves too if one has something original to show.

But that is certainly necessary if one wants to be of some use. It is no fault or crime of mine if I must sometimes tell you we must put more vigor into such and such a thing, and if we haven't got the money ourselves, we must find friends and new relations. I must earn a little more or have some more friends, preferably both. That is the way to success, but recently it has been too hard for me.

At present I am losing weight, and moreover my clothes are getting too shabby, etc. You know yourself that it isn't right as it is. Yet I feel sort of confident that we shall pull through.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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For the sake of my progress

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, January 1885

You may look upon my having been at home so long without paying for my board as arrogance or indiscretion on my part. I did this for the sake of my progress in painting, and have not profited from it personally, inasmuch as I still have to pay a rather heavy bill for colors, an extra expense. For the rest, I acknowledge that after all it has been advantageous to me. The reason why I cannot regard the present moment as propitious for making a kind of contract with Father is that under the circumstances it cannot be my intention to stay here much longer. Which I should very much like to do, but I am afraid it will prove impossible. If, however, you should want to make an arrangement with Father of the kind indicated in your letter, then leave me out of it - in other words, let it be purely a matter between you and Father, in which I am not involved.

This letter is meant to tell you explicitly that I utterly refuse to have anything to do with any agreement you might make with Father on the possible payment of board.

Letter 355a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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An ordinary worker

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 28 December 1884

Something about my constitution that has pleased me a great deal is that a doctor in Amsterdam, with whom I once discussed a few things that sometimes made me think that I wasn't long for this world, and whose opinion I didn't ask for directly, wanting simply to gauge the first impression of someone who didn't know me at all and availing myself of a small upset I had at the time to bring the conversation round to my general constitution - I was absolutely delighted that this doctor took me for an ordinary worker, saying, "I daresay you're an ironworker by trade." That's exactly what I'd been trying to achieve - when I was younger you could tell that my mind was overwrought, and now I look like a bargee or an ironworker.

And changing one's constitution so that one gets a thick skin is no easy matter. However, I must go on being careful, try to hold on to what I have and to improve on it still.

Letter 442
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I prefer people's eyes to cathedrals

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 19 December 1884

I showed my view of “Het Steen” to another dealer, who liked its tone and color, but he was too engrossed in making up his inventory, and besides, he has little room, but he asked me to come back after New Year's. It is just the thing for foreigners who want to have a souvenir of Antwerp, and for that reason I shall make even more city views of that kind.

So yesterday I made a few drawings of a spot with a view of the Cathedral. I also made a little one of the Park.

But I prefer painting people's eyes to cathedrals, for there is something in the eyes that is not in the cathedral, however solemn and imposing the latter may be - a human soul, be it that of a poor beggar or of a streetwalker, is more interesting to me.

Letter 441
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I want my things to be seen

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 6-7 December 1884

My best chance is in the figure, because there are relatively very few who do it, and I must seize the opportunity. I must work myself into it here, until I get into touch with good figure painters - Verhaert, for instance, and then I imagine portrait painting is the way to earn the means for greater things.

I feel a power within me to do something, I see that my work holds its own against other work, and that gives me a great craving for work; lately, when I was in the country, I began to doubt, because I noticed that Portier does not seem to care for my things any more.

One thing is certain, that I want my things to be seen. Later on we may lose courage, but we will try and put it off for a long time.

Letter 438
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A certain obstinacy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 7 December 1884

I let people say and think what they like of me, more than you perhaps suppose, but be sure of this, when a thing turns out wrong, that's no reason for me to admit that I ought not to have begun it; on the contrary, if it fails many a time, it is a reason for me to try again if the very same thing is not possible yet, and always in the same direction, as my views are well considered and calculated, and in my opinion have their raison d'etre.

I cannot bother about what people think of me, what I have to think of is getting on.

So I go my own way with a certain obstinacy, believing in some things and not believing in others.

Letter 388
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A fata morgana

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, late November 1884

What shall I say to you? Your letter sounds very correct, and has the tone of a good ministre des Beaux Arts.

But this does not alter the fact that it is not much use to me, and that I am not satisfied with it - and especially in your "later on, when you have expressed yourself more clearly, we shall perhaps find something in your present work, and then we shall not act as we do now…" I see only a fair promise - but in reality a ministerial fata morgana in the eyes of a fellow like me, who would rather find an outlet for his work in a more pedestrian way, provided that it is at the present moment.

You cannot demand of me that I resign myself to a ministerial fata morgana. After all, I am too practical for that! Which is not being intransigent, and which is really why I piss on the sanctuary of the intransigent fellows - which I do once in a while - on sanctuaries in general.

Letter 386b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My affairs can prosper

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, November 1884

I do not know how you have taken my last letter, which was not meant unkindly. My affairs can prosper, and in both our interests, I wish we could concentrate all the power a our disposal.

I believe it possible to be on better terms with you too than we are at present.

But speaking frankly - I think you have been too neutral toward me this past one and a half or two years, and above all things I desire more cordiality, our friendship having been too cool and too inactive for my taste. You may find this conceited if you like, but it isn't; I pointed this out to you before, and again now, for serious, practical reasons.

Letter 385
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If I fail, then I'll try again

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 November 1884

Rappard is doing very well, and many others too, but you can swear by it that they have not been patient and long-suffering and nothing else. We must make progress. Get used to the idea that we must get a move on.

Since my first meeting with Mauve, I have not been grinding in vain on the elements of drawing, as well as of color and of the technique of painting. I have learned new things, but I need Mauve or somebody else who is very clever, not to make me think a great deal of myself, but to give me some courage, which oozes away if things drag too long. Forward - and what the devil do I care if I fail - if I fail, then I'll try again.

Letter 384
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something will happen before long

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 November 1884

I have not written to Mauve or Tersteeg in a complaining tone. On the contrary, but I said as forcibly as I could, Give me another opportunity to make a few studies at Mauve's! I will harp on it till Mauve gives in.

If I fail alone, we must ask Mauve together until he gives in. Then, after that, I shall have gained some hints for correcting my work here and improving it, and I shall again have a pied-a-terre with a solid, serious painter, and then I warrant you, something will happen before long - either I shall exhibit or I shall sell.

And so, courage!

Letter 384
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One must renew oneself

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 November 1884

I have once more tried to renew the relations with Mauve and, if possible, also with Tersteeg. I do not know if I shall succeed, but I must have a freer scope, for having been without any intercourse with the world of art for a full year and longer, as I have, notwithstanding all good will, one comes to a dead end and must renew oneself.

Help me to get afloat and to earn money, not only by sending your money but also by your influence, and more sympathy, and a more unalloyed friendship..

I have strength enough to accomplish something, and to earn money too. And then - as you say - if I make progress in my painting, and gain a good independent position, I shall be worth more than I am now.

Letter 384
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"Am I an artist or am I not?"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 19 November 1883

In the same way, in the matter of art, the problem, "Am I an artist or am I not?" must not induce us not to draw or not to paint. Many things defy definition, and I consider it wrong to fritter one's time away on them. Certainly when one's work does not go smoothly and one is checked by difficulties, one gets bogged in the morass of such thoughts and insoluble problems. And because one feels sorely troubled by it, the best thing to do is to conquer the cause of the distraction by acquiring a new insight into the practical part of the work.

Letter 338
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My aim is to make pictures

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 19 November 1883

As to doubting whether one is an artist or not - that question is too much of an abstraction.

I confess, however, that I don't object to thinking it over, provided I can draw and paint at the same time.

And my aim in my life is to make pictures and drawings, as many and as well as I can; then, at the end of my life, I hope to pass away, looking back with love and tender regret, and thinking, "Oh, the pictures I might have made!" . . .

Theo, I declare I prefer to think how arms, legs, head are attached to the trunk, rather than whether I myself am more or less an artist or not.

Letter 338
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The utmost stress

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 17 November 1883

How should I manage then? Well, for instance, I could try to get a job as an illustrator for a magazine, or, in short, do anything "n'importe quoi," for which perhaps you yourself would know an opportunity, or in which you could advise me . . . .

But if I were left entirely to myself, I might take a chance in Paris, or London, or The Hague - in short, in some city in a printer's or a magazine's office - of course trying at the same time to make and sell drawings and paintings; and after that, manage to get back to Drenthe.

Then I should want, however, to submit myself to the utmost stress in order to force myself to be productive, and I would beg to stop the present assistance of my own accord.

Letter 341
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A very clear duty

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

Leave the sinking ship, and concentrate your mind and energy, not on clinging to your present position, but on creating something wholly new. For a long time your duty has seemed too complicated to me; your duty ought to be something simple, and your present duty would grow more and more involved and doubtful, leaving the question of whether I think it is really and truly your duty out of it. By starting to paint, you will find a very clear duty and a very simple, straight path for your feet.

My idea is that going on in your present situation would prove to be not only more and more unbearable, but also less and less profitable. . . . I do not say that you and I will get rich together, but in any case we shall be able to preserve our aplomb and our balance, although - I cannot deny this - we shall have a very hard time of it during the first few years.

Letter 337
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A new and sure ground

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

One feels things to be wretched and much too distorted, and however peaceful and cheerful and full of serenity one's natural disposition may be, one feels that this cannot be otherwise - but then I ask, what is more practical than telling yourself: If I don't do anything about it, I shall lose my energy and strength of mind; I am going to refresh, to rejuvenate myself in nature; I am going to attack things in a new way, and I will arrange my life in such a way that, let's say, in a few years I shall have quite new and sure ground under my feet.

Letter 339a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This hopeless absurdity of public opinion

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 29 October 1883

And when speaking of your being a painter, they would describe your state of mind as that of a dreamer, imagining himself on a bed of roses. I ask you, what do those who represent things that way know? But people being what they are, this is only one of their enormities and not even the worst by a long shot. This hopeless absurdity of public opinion makes it only natural for one to want to avoid the world.

Letter 339a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I should be more myself

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 28 October 1883

I know all these things have a perilous money side, but what I say is, let's weaken this perilous money side as much as possible, in the first place by not being under its sway too long, and then by feeling that if one will only set about things with love, with a certain understanding of each other and cooperation and mutual helpfulness, many things which would otherwise be insupportable would be softened - yes, even totally changed.

As for me, if I could find some people whom I could talk to about art, who felt for it and wanted to feel for it - I should gain an enormous advantage in my work - I should feel more myself, be more myself. If there is enough money to keep us going in the very first period, by the time it is gone I shall be earning money.

Letter 336
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Partnership

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 4 September 1888

As for Gauguin, perhaps he is letting himself drift with the current, not thinking of the future. And perhaps he thinks that I shall always be here and that he has our word. But it is not too late to withdraw, and really I am strongly tempted to do so, because failing him, I should naturally think of another partnership, whereas at present we are bound. All the same, if Gauguin can find enough to live on, have we the right to bother him? . . .

He and I both are really behaving like fools. Is it true or not? Certainly the truth is still more serious. If it is not necessary for him to alter his way of life, he has either a lot more money than I or considerably better luck. Being ruined costs more than being successful, and certainly it is our own fault if we do not have more peace.

Letter 532
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The cost of colors

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 1 September 1888

It is a constant grief to me that comparatively I can do so little with the money I spend.

My life is disturbed and restless, but then if I make a change and move about much, I shall perhaps only make things worse. . . .

Often now I hesitate before planning a picture because of what the colors would cost us. You see all the same this is rather a pity, for the simple reason that we may have the power to work today, but we do not know if it will hold out till tomorrow.

Letter 530
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am almost paralyzed

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, September 1884

I intended to have twelve photographs taken - a series of Brabant scenes, including the six I am making for Hermans.

I intended to send them to some illustrated papers, to try to get some work, or at least to become known. . . .

However, I will have another photo taken of the weavers in carte-de-visite size only, because being so far away from the illustrated papers here, I must find a means to get connections in another way than by words. . . .

Recently I have been working very hard; I believe, what with other emotions, I have even overworked myself. For I am in a melancholy mood, and all these things have combined to upset me in such a way that there are many days when I am almost paralyzed.

I cannot eat, and I cannot sleep - that is to say, not enough, and that makes one weak.

Letter 380
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We are able to take action

Vincent van Gogh to Wilhelmina van Gogh, from Paris, Summer-Fall 1887

And if, full of good intentions, we search in the books of which it is said that they illuminate the darkness, with the best will in the world we find precious little that is certain, and not always the satisfaction of personal consolation. . . .

Is the Bible enough for us? These days I think Jesus himself would say again to those who sit down in melancholy, "It is not here, it is risen. Why seek ye the living among the dead?" If the spoken or written word is to remain the light of the world, then we have the right and duty to acknowledge that we live in an age when it should be spoken and written in such a way that, if it is to be just as great and just as good and just as original and just as potent as ever to transform the whole of society, then its effect must be comparable to that of the revolution wrought by the old Christians.

I, for my part, am always glad that I have read the Bible more carefully than many people do nowadays, just because it gives me some peace of mind to know that there used to be such lofty ideals.

But precisely because I find the old beautiful, I find the new even more beautiful because we are able to take action in our own time while the past and the future concern us only indirectly.

Letter W01
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I feel my own self more

Vincent van Gogh to Horace M. Livens, from Paris, August-October 1886

With regard my chances of sale look here, they are certainly not much but still I do have a beginning.

At the present moment I have found four dealers who have exhibited studies of mine. And I have exchanged studies with many artists.

Now the prices are 50 francs. Certainly not much - but - as far as I can see one must sell cheap to rise and even at costing price. And mind my dear fellow, Paris is Paris. There is but one Paris and however hard living may be here, and if it became worse and harder even - the French air clears up the brain and does good - a world of good. I have been in Cormon's studio for three or four months but I did not find that so useful as I had expected it to be. It may be my fault however, anyhow I left there too as I left Antwerp and since I worked alone, and fancy that since I feel my own self more.

Letter 459a
Written in English.
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Downright starvation

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid August 1885

So, in short - work hard - but at the same time try to work sensibly. The trouble you have taken along with me - for furnishing money is taking trouble too, and I don't in the least try to get away from it - this trouble anyway has been an act of personal initiative, of personal will and energy - but what shall I have to say and think of it if there is nothing to compensate for the gradual but undeniable weakening of financial aid?

In my opinion, at least, now is just the moment to try to do something with my work. . . .

You told me yourself, "Where there's a will there's a way." Well, I am going to take you at your word a little, at least as to your really wanting us to make progress together.

If I were to demand extravagant things and you refused - well, all right then - but when it is a question of the most urgent, the very simplest necessities of life, and it is increasingly and ever more badly becoming downright starvation, only then do I think you go too far in your economizing, and that in this respect it is far from useful.

Letter 420
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Art itself is solid enough

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid August 1885

I go on insisting that it is fatal that your energy has manifestly taken another direction, instead of being turned to making a success of painting for both of us. And yet it is only a very short time ago that you wrote you had more confidence now, and that my work was good.

In my opinion you don't in the least belong among the rising men. Resent this if you like. Though you say today, "I am selling to the tune of 500,000 fr. a year" - this does not impress me the least little bit, as I am too much convinced of the difficulty of keeping it up.

It is too high up in the air for my taste, too little on solid ground. And, after all, art itself is solid enough.

I wish you were or would become a painter.

Letter 420
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We must try energetically to push forward

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 7 August 1885

And to you I speak, and I shall go on speaking, as one person dealing in pictures to another person dealing in pictures, and I will not trespass on the other territory.

And the question I started discussing with you is that however great the depression may be, and however much trouble we shall have to take, we must try energetically to push forward the little painting business that belongs to you as much as to me.

I say it may be a lifeboat which may be of use to you in the tempest, although I don't wish for this tempest any more than you can wish for it.

Letter 419b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something will and shall come of it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 7 August 1885

With this letter I cry out to you once more that my request for reinforcement may prove to be in both our interests, and I do not make it out of selfishness, as you suppose. . . . I should not cry out to you without necessity. I am not afraid in the midst of danger either, but I try to be ready at the moment of distress.

It may be that you don't think it reasonable of me to insist on my - and I should much prefer to say our - little painting business becoming the center of a larger business which we might undertake together later on; but I for my part persist in claiming that something will and shall come of it, if only we remain sufficiently united.

If I haven't the same ideas as you, don't suspect me of bad faith or of evil intentions.

Letter 419b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Neither am I desperate

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 7 August 1885

Let me give you this hint: don't consider this painting business of mine a burden, and don't treat it in a stepmotherly way, because it may prove to be a little lifeboat when the big ship is wrecked. My hint is now, and will be in the future: Let's try and keep the little boat trim and seaworthy, whether the tempest comes, or my uneasiness proves unfounded. . . .

If you doubt the good faith of this request, then the only thing for me to do is to repeat it even more urgently. For I perceive that in the matter of my color bill my little vessel is leaking here and there. However, I am trying to stop these leaks to the best of my ability, and I have not lost my self-command yet. Neither am I desperate. But considering that both of us may be overtaken by the same tempest, I am speaking concretely and, as far as I can see, in our mutual interest.

Letter 419b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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If only I may keep your sympathy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

Yet, Theo, you need not spare me if it's only a question of money - if only as a friend and a brother you keep a little sympathy for my work, saleable or unsaleable. If only I may keep your sympathy in this respect, I care very little for all the rest, and we must calmly and deliberately find ways and means. . . .

Oh, Theo, I could make so much more progress if I could spend a little more. But I can't find the way out, I am handicapped by expenses everywhere. When I read the biographies of other painters, I find that they all needed money and were miserable when they couldn't go on.

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"It will come to nothing"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 23 July 1882

Now when you come, brother, I shall have a few watercolors for you. It is damn nice working in the studio. Do you remember that last winter I told you you would have your watercolors within a year?

Those I have done now are simply to show you that my studying drawing, correct perspective and proportions, helps me make progress in watercolors. And for my part, I did them as an experiment to find out what progress I had made in watercolors after six months of drawing exclusively; and secondly, to see what I shall have to work harder on in that fundamental drawing which everything depends on. . . .

When judging me and my behavior, Tersteeg always starts with the fixed idea that I can do nothing and am good for nothing. I heard it from his own lips, "Oh, that painting of yours will be like all the other things you started, it will come to nothing."

Letter 219
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The so-called experts

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, June 1885

I am very glad to hear that Serret is a painter, about whom you had already written things which I perfectly well remember, but the name had escaped me. . . . As to what Serret says, I quite agree with him - I shall just send him a line, because I should like to become friends with him. As I told you already, I have been busy drawing figures recently; I will send them especially for the sake of Serret, to show him that I am far from indifferent to the unity and the form of a figure. . . .

Serret may agree with you that to paint good pictures and to sell them are two separate things. But it is not at all true. When at last the public saw Millet, all his work together, then the public both in Paris and in London was enthusiastic.

And who were the persons that had suppressed and refused Millet? The art dealers, the so-called experts.

Letter 413
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Painting is a home

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, June 1885

If I could earn something with my work, if we had some firm ground, be it ever so little, under our feet for our daily existence, and if then the desire to become an artist took for you the form of, let me say, Hennebeau in "Germinal," discounting all difference in age, etc. - what pictures you could still make then! The future is always different from what one expects, so one never can be sure. The drawback of painting is that, if one does not sell one's pictures, one still needs money for paint and models in order to make progress. And that drawback is a bad thing. But for the rest, painting and, in my opinion, especially the painting of rural life, gives serenity, though one may have all kinds of worries and miseries on the surface of life. I mean painting is a home and one does not experience that homesickness, that peculiar feeling Hennebeau had.

Letter 413
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The old-fashioned idea of innate genius

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early June 1884

The laws of the colors are unutterably beautiful, just because they are not accidentals. In the same way that people nowadays no longer believe in fantastic miracles, no longer believe in a God who capriciously and despotically flies from one thing to another, but begin to feel more respect and admiration for and faith in nature - in the same way, and for the same reasons, I think that in art, the old-fashioned idea of innate genius, inspiration, etc., I do not say must be put aside, but thoroughly reconsidered, verified - and greatly modified. However, I do not deny the existence of genius, or even its being innate. But I certainly do deny the inference that theory and instruction should, as a matter of course, always be useless.

Letter 371
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Some really practical words

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early June 1884

You have better opportunities than I to hear about art books. If you come across good books, such as that book of Fromentin's on the Dutch painters, for instance, or if you remember any, don't forget I should be very glad if you bought some - provided they treat technical matters - and if you deducted the money from my usual allowance. I certainly intend to study theory seriously, I do not think it at all useless, and I believe that what one feels by instinct or by intuition often becomes definite and clear if one is guided in one's efforts by some really practical words.

Even if there might be just one or very few things of that kind in a book, it is sometimes worth while not only to read it but even to buy it, particularly now.

Letter 371
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Your sacrifices have borne some fruit

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 June 1883

And with regard to my finances, know it well that whatever you can spare is as absolutely necessary to me as the air I breathe, and that my productivity depends on it, but I don't think you need be afraid of taking any steps toward recommending my work, for it will not be a failure; I think I can assure you we will find friends for it. And for my part, in order to lighten the burden for you, though apart from that I assure you I did not like it at all, I wrote to C. M., and I want to ask you: could you perhaps write a little word to Tersteeg, telling him that I am working on those large drawings? Look here, boy, if Mauve gave a helping hand now, for instance, perhaps, perhaps they might be turned into paintings. I think the studies and compositions are worked out enough to serve as a foundation for a painted picture. If I had the means, I would not care to sell these at all, and I should keep my work together till it formed a good whole.

And know that I long terribly for your coming. I think you will see, brother, that your faithful help and your sacrifices for me have borne some fruit, and will bear even more.

Letter 290
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Regular monthly wages

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 June 1883

Boughton and Abbey together are making drawings called “Picturesque Holland” for Harper's in New York (agent for the Graphic too). . . . Now I say to myself, If the Graphic and Harper's send their draftsmen to Holland, perhaps they would not be unwilling to take on a draftsman from Holland if he can produce some good work and not too expensively.

I should prefer being put on regular monthly wages to selling a drawing now and then at a relatively high price. And I should like to make a contract for a series of compositions, for instance, following up these two drawings I am working on now, or those I am going to do. I should think it advisable to go to London myself with studies and drawings and to visit the managers of the various establishments or, better still, the artists Herkomer, Green, Boughton (but some of them are in America at present) or others, if they are in London. . . . Such a thing, more or less modified, ought to be done, I think.

Letter 288
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Two drawings in my heart

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 June 1883

Now you write that business is less flourishing. This is rotten enough. But the position has always been precarious, and may be expected to remain so as long as you live. Let us keep up our courage, and try to find energy and serenity. . . .

. . . if circumstances become more difficult, let us redouble our energy. I will be doubly intent on my drawings, but for the present do be doubly intent on sending the money. To me it means models, studio, bread; cutting it down would be something like choking or drowning me. I mean, I can do as little without it now as I can do without air. I had these two drawings in my heart for a long time, but I did not have the money to carry them out; and now, thanks to Rappard's money, they have got form. The creative power cannot be repressed, one must give vent to what one feels.

Letter 288
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Sometimes with a kind of fury

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 May 1883

But, Theo, the work brings so many expenses: and in many things I haven't the free hand that would be necessary. Of course, the household costs are heavy too. One needs food and clothes, there is also the studio rent; well, but it certainly has cheered me that Rappard likes several things I've done, and now that I've seen what his own work is like, I am even more glad that some of my things pleased him.

I am always afraid of not working enough; I think I can do so much better still, and that is what I am striving for, sometimes with a kind of fury.

Letter 286
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It forces one to lose one's temper

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early April 1884

It would be less impossible for me to keep my temper in our correspondence if, when on the critical date you have not got the money, you should write, I haven't got it, you will get it on such and such a date. Now you did not write a single word in response to my saying, I am surprised that - taking into consideration that you told me I could get the money by return mail if I wanted it, and my having told you that I would rather have it at once than later - I have not heard anything about it.

If you had written at the time, I am sorry, but I haven't got it, I should not have tortured my brain with thoughts such as that you commit this negligence on purpose in order to make life a little more difficult for me. And - if you haven't got the money, I cannot reproach you with anything - but if you neglect sending it - on purpose or not on purpose, that does not matter - then it is something I wish you would unlearn - something that forces one to lose one's temper.

Letter 363a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I insist on your showing my work

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early April 1884

I end with the assurance that in case you refuse to accept my proposal to send you my work regularly (you can do or not do whatever you like with it, at least as far as doing business with it is concerned, but at all events I insist on your showing it from time to time, as you did at the very beginning, and in my opinion rightly so), I shall carry through the separation - so either this alteration - or else finished. . . .

I did not send you the sixth pen drawing because, just as I insist on your showing my work now and then, I am going to show Rappard something once in a while - as he knows a lot of people - and that drawing was at Rappard's, and I should have had it back, but up to now he has kept it.

Letter 363a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Your confidence in my future

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early April 1884

When I mention that I desire to look upon the 150 francs, or more or less as the case may be, as equal in value to what I send you, this is to a certain extent quite a private matter, and in no way do we touch upon the question whether my work has commercial value or not.

But in that case I shall be more justified in the eyes of Tom, Dick and Harry, and shall not have to put up with being reproached with idling away my time - or even being absolutely looked upon as "having no means of subsistence."

At the same time it is proof on your part of your confidence in my future, which, however, I shall most certainly not extort from you - and I repeat that however you may decide in this matter, it will have no influence on my opinion of the past, and that I shall never ignore your help during these years, but on the contrary, appreciate it highly.

But you will have to decide quite independently whether our relations will be continued in the future or not.

Letter 363a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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You think too frivolously of my work

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early April 1884

I sent you nine watercolors and five pen drawings, I wrote you I had yet a sixth pen drawing and the painted study of the old tower, which at the time you said you were eager for.

But now that I see that your expressions remain as vague as ever, I cannot but tell you without reserve that I do not consider this the way to treat me.

As for my work - up to now it seemed incontrovertible that you would rather I did not send anything than that I did.

If this is still the case - well then, I am of the opinion that either I am not worth your protection, or you think a little too frivolously of my work. I have never withdrawn my proposal to send you my work regularly.

Letter 363a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A definite agreement

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early April 1884

I said in my letter of the end of January that I should be unwilling to go on in the same way as up to then, that is to say, without a definite agreement.

. . . Nothing could be more pleasant to me than to go on in the same way on condition that a definite agreement was made about the supply of work. And that in order to make a trial I should send a number of things toward the beginning of March.

Your reply was evasive, it certainly was not straightforward, I mean it was not something like this: "Vincent, I see the reasonableness of a number of your grievances, and I approve of your proposal to make an agreement that every month you will send me a number of drawings that you consider equal in value to the 150 francs I am in the habit of sending you, so that you will be able to look upon this money as earned money."

Most positively I noticed that you did not simply write something like this!

Letter 363a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Making me feel the bridle

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, early April 1884

Last summer, because of your making me feel the bridle a little in order to impress upon me that it was in my interest to be compliant in some things, I had already made up my mind to let you feel in return that I for my part, if I were inconvenienced by too much tugging at the bridle, should be quite willing to leave the bridle in your hands, as long as I was not attached to the other end, or in other words - if I am not free in my private life, I decline the subsidy. In short, that whether I should be able to get along financially would depend on my work (and not on my private life), at least as far as the 150 francs a month was concerned.

Letter 363a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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No reason not to do my best

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 April 1884

However, I want you to know that if you feel inclined to leave the work you are going to buy from me alone, or even tear it up, this is no reason for me not to do my best on it.

For this month I have some pen-and-ink drawings for you, in the first place those that are at Rappard's for the moment, about which I had a letter from him, telling me that he liked them all . . . .

Beside those, I have a few painted studies which are your property, which I will send you if you like, but if you don't care to have them, I will ask you if I may keep them for some time, as I need them for my work.

Letter 364
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I must have money

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 April 1884

I, for my part, needing money, am obliged to accept it, even if somebody said to me, "I want to put that drawing of yours away, or I want to throw it in the fire, you can get so much money for it"; under the circumstances I should say, "All right, give me the money, there is my work, I want to get on." I must have money, in order to get on; I try to get it, and therefore - even if you were completely indifferent to me - as long as I get your monthly allowance, without conditions forbidding me to do certain things, I will not break with you, and I agree to everything if need be.

My way of considering you and your money matches your way of considering me and my work - and as long as the balance is kept - I agree to it. If I receive money from you and you receive drawings or paintings from me, and if I have something to justify myself in the eyes of the world, though we might have nothing else in common, though we should write and speak about nothing, even then I feel satisfied for the moment, and I agree to it completely.

Letter 364
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My proposal

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 1 April 1884

I just received your letter and enclosed 250 francs. If I may consider your letter an answer to my proposal, I can indeed agree to what you say. In short, to avoid further discussion or quarreling, in order to have some answer when those leading ordinary lives accuse me of being without any "source of income," I want to consider the money I receive from you as money I have earned.

Of course I will send you my work every month. As you say, that work will be your property then, and I perfectly agree with you that you have every right to do anything with it . . . .

Even if it should be your high pleasure to tear up my work, or maybe leave it peacefully alone, or if you should try to do something with it, I have no right to find fault with you. But only if I am allowed to consider it a purchase on your part.

Letter 364
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It stimulates one to work hard

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 6 March 1883

I didn't intend to write so soon again - but as you know, I am trying to do different kinds of drawings. And now again today I made another sketch with the rest of that little piece of crayon - and afterward washed it in with sepia. I think I find in this crayon all kinds of qualities which make it an excellent means of expressing things from nature....

You can imagine that I am full of plans.

You know that I am working on many different things, for I should so much like to know many different techniques; because it stimulates one to work hard, and creates new ideas.

I wish I had thought of that crayon before, for it is preferable to many other things....

I don't ask you to send me some because I could not work without it, but because with it, I could make many other things in addition to my usual work.

Letter 273
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Financial difficulties hamper me

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, c. 5 March 1883

The Hague is beautiful - and there is an enormous variety of scenes. I hope to work hard this year. There are also often financial difficulties that hamper me, which you will understand, and this is the very reason why - because I want to work much and must in fact do so - I shall concentrate more and more on black and white.

When I'm doing watercolors or oil paintings I must stop every now and then on account of the expense, but with a piece of crayon or lead pencil one has only the expense of the model and some paper. And I prefer to spend the little I have on models, I assure you, than to spend it on painting materials. I have never regretted the money I spend on models.

Letter R30
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Shall I succeed?

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

Rappard always works with models, too, and in my opinion there is no better way. Especially if one sticks to one model, one finds more and more qualities in it. So this letter complements yesterday's, in so far as you will see from it that today I made a plan for a new watercolor of the same kind I sent you, and that tomorrow I shall have the models for it. I hope to finish this one more thoroughly than the one I sent you. Shall I succeed? I can't tell beforehand.

I started, though I am still short of a few things. But one thing I have now that I didn't have before, and that is the better light. And it is worth more to me than ever so many colors. If I can have the colors too, please let me have them; but I have had so many things from you already, and in many respects I am so little satisfied with the result, till now, that I hardly dare to ask for them. As in algebra the product of two negatives is a positive, so I hope that the product of failures may be success.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I can promise you better drawings

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

I can promise you better drawings before long.

At all events, whether you can send me something or not, I can promise you better drawings before long.

The change in the studio itself, as far as it goes, enables me to undertake some new things already.

But there would be fewer obstacles in the way, if you could send me something extra just now. I am afraid that otherwise I should be checked by some things, either by the lack of drawing materials or by not being able to take models, or by the making of a few more alterations.

I mention "better drawings," this is meant comparatively.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Now I have a chance

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 3 March 1883

I love my studio the way a sailor loves his ship. I know that in time it will become just what I want, but my purse doesn't always allow me to do what I should like. But the things which one buys in this way are things that last, and now I have a chance which perhaps I shouldn't get again later.

The change in the studio brings even more expenses - indirectly rather than directly - for I won't consider it finished before I have many more things which are necessary to make it practical.

Letter 271
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We shall keep a straight course

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 1 February 1884

I want to feel free with you, but at the same time with equal sincerity I want you to feel free with me. If there should be something in my work that pleases you, I shall feel very happy; and if it should not please you and you should not want to have anything to do with it, then I should not be able to say anything about it.

Moreover, whatever the difference in feelings may be, and the difference over this or that, we are brothers, and I certainly hope that we shall go on behaving like brothers. . . .

Since I have been here, not a day has passed, I think, when I have not been working from morning till night on the weavers or the peasants; I shall be very glad if you approve of my proposal. Then extremes will be avoided and we shall keep a straight course. If you know of a better plan, I shall be glad to hear it.

Letter 360
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Fellows like me, only just starting

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 1 February 1884

So from March on I shall begin to send my work here and there regularly. And first to you, but do not think yourself obliged to take anything which you do not really care for. . . .

I do not say that I want you to look upon the things you might accept from me as something you must try to sell at once.

If for the time being you should take my work, not in the first place in your capacity as a dealer, but more especially in the quality of one who has it in his heart to do something for fellows like me, who are only just starting - that is enough for me.

But after March I will accept no money from you - or at least absolutely as little as possible - for which I do not give some work in return.

Letter 360
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I do it rather reluctantly

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 1 February 1884

Toward March I shall send you some watercolors from here. If you do not want them, I will take them to somebody else, but I prefer to deal with you.

Those watercolors will have their faults, yet I do not think it foolish of me to start showing my work, to bring it before the public's eye.

At a certain moment Rappard did the same, and carried it through from the very beginning.

I, for my part, do it rather reluctantly, but I must do it.

Letter 360
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Charity for a poor fool

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 1 February 1884

I owe a great debt to you, however, and if I continued in exactly the same way, it would grow worse and worse. Now I want to make you a proposal for the future. Let me send you my work, and keep what you like for yourself, but I insist on considering the money I receive from you after March as money I have earned. And I quite approve of it being, in the beginning, less than I have received up to now. Toward the end of January or in the beginning of February I wrote you that, on my coming home, I was struck by the fact that the money I was in the habit of receiving from you was looked upon in the first place as something precarious, and secondly as what I will call charity for a poor fool. And I could establish the fact that this opinion was even communicated to people who had absolutely nothing to do with it - for instance, the respectable natives of this region - and I was asked at least three times in one week by absolute strangers, "Why is it that you never sell your work?" . . .

For my part, I say most decidedly that whatever you may think of what I have received from you up to now, I for my part consider it as a thing which I shall pay back if possible.

If I have some luck with my work, I shall most certainly pay it back. For the present, there can be no question of it, so we will not mention it.

Letter 360
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I hate carelessness in business

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, c. 1 February 1884

I hate carelessness in business as much as you do, and that I make a point of meeting my obligations to other people. And that I am in no mood to be careless in business matters, on the contrary, I assure you.

It is my firm intention to try to carry on my work, and you must not think I work less hard here every day than I used to.

All's well that ends well, says the proverb. Now, as to the misgivings I wrote you I felt about continuing to accept money from you. We can wind up now, at a moment when I can get off without a deficit; all the more reason for me always to call the way you dealt with me financially most generous. And I do not at all pretend it was your fault that I had a deficit at the end of last year. I only repeat that I am very glad no bill is left unpaid now.

Letter 360
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Nothing dies entirely

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 February 1883

You spoke of disenchantment; no, no, it is true there is a withering and budding in love as in nature, but nothing dies entirely. It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea. And in love, either for a woman or for art, there are times of exhaustion and impotence, but there is no permanent disenchantment.

I consider love as well as friendship not just a feeling but also a positive action, and as such it requires doing things and exerting oneself, and exhaustion and impotence are the consequences.

A sincere and true love is a blessing, I think, though that doesn't prevent occasional hard times.

Letter 266
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This bad time must be lived through

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 26 January 1882

The last time Mauve was here, he asked me again if I needed money. I was then able to say I did not want it, but you see, in case of need, he would be willing to do something. And so though there will be some difficulties now and then, I hope we can manage to struggle through. Especially if Mr. Tersteeg would be so kind as to give me some credit in case you're unable to send me money, and when it is absolutely necessary.

You speak of fair promises - with me it is more or less the same. Mauve says it will be all right; but for all that, the watercolors I make are not quite saleable. Now I have some hope myself, and I will work hard on them, but it is often hopeless enough, for when I try to work them up, they become too heavy. It's exasperating, for it's no small difficulty. And experiments with watercolors are rather expensive - paper, paint, brushes, model, and time, and whatnot.

But even so, I think the most economical way is to keep going without losing time.

For this bad time must be lived through.

Letter 173
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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These are evil hours

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 January 1882

Sometimes one involuntarily becomes terribly depressed, if only for a moment, often just when one is feeling cheerful, as I really am even now. That's what happened this morning; these are evil hours when one feels quite helpless and faint with overexertion. I think it was really because I had arranged with Mauve about what I would do with a model out-of-doors, and then all at once I thought, Perhaps I cannot do it because in two days I shall not have a cent left, and than Mauve will think I was afraid. So I got up again to write you once more because I felt so anxious. Having to think about too many other things against my will hampers me so much in my work; even when I am in front of my model, I do not know how I shall pay him or whether I shall be able to go on the next day or not. And I must, I must be calm and quiet in order to work - it is difficult enough anyhow. And especially now I must keep up my spirits; but I felt so clearly this morning that my strength was failing me, not my ardor or my courage, and therefore I'm telling you once more.

I can quite imagine that you also have your difficulties, but I think some arrangement might be made with Tersteeg which would settle everything.

Letter 172
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I work, I drudge, I grind all day long

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 January 1882

Now, I hope you will write me soon, and especially that we shall try to make some arrangement about the money. For though 100 fr. a month would be sufficient for my own expenses, it is quite a different matter when I have to pay models daily and must feed them, etc., etc. And then the expenses of paint, paper, etc. I told you in my last letter that whether I can work at full speed or half speed depends on my income. . . .

Believe me, I work, I drudge, I grind all day long, and I do so with pleasure; but I should get very discouraged if I could not go on working as hard or even harder. If you write to Mr. Tersteeg about it, he will certainly credit you for an amount which you yourself fix, and he can control its expenditure if he does not trust me. But it would be terrible if I couldn't go on working the way I have these last three weeks.

Letter 171
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Keep heart

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, January 1873

I know so well how strange you must feel in the beginning, but don't lose courage, you'll get on all right. . . .

What happy days we spent together at Christmas! I think of them so often. . . . Don't forget to tell me what pictures you see and which you like best. . . .

My New Year began well; they have granted me an increase of ten guilders (I therefore earn fifty guilders per month), and they have given me a bonus of fifty guilders as a present. Isn't that splendid? I hope to be able to shift for myself now.

I am very happy that you work in the same firm. It is such a splendid house; the more one works there, the more ambition it gives you.

The beginning is perhaps more difficult than anything else, but keep heart, it will turn out all right.

Letter 3
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Some way for me to earn something

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 18-19 January 1884

We asked the doctor again to tell us plainly what it was, and it is a fact that Mother’s thighbone is broken right beneath the joint.

You know that I was just going to pay off some debts with the money you sent. But as there will be many extra expenses, of course I told Father he was welcome to use it; the other things can wait, and it was only by chance that I had not yet sent it off. I am afraid it will be a long time before Mother recovers. . . .

Theo, think it over well, if you cannot find some way or other for me to earn something. Money will be needed, and we must also consider once more the chances of selling my work. If it were only possible for me to pay my working expenses myself, so that you could give Mother what you would otherwise give me.

I told you already that I am doing watercolors of the weavers here. I shall try to finish some.

Letter 353
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I can hardly control it any longer

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c.11 January 1883

Today I had to pay the rent and the three models whom I hadn't been able to pay before, and I also absolutely needed various drawing materials. I am working very hard at present, and I must not stop, but really the models eat me out of house and home.

Well, it would certainly be good if I could have something extra - would it be possible? I hesitate to ask it because of what you just wrote me about yourself, and I understand perfectly that it brings you cares, which I respect and with which I sympathize. But the thing with me is that I got somewhat in arrears by working so hard, and when I receive the money, I at once have to pay out more than half of it. I cannot live more economically than we do, I have economized wherever possible; but the work is developing, especially these last weeks, and I can hardly control it any longer - that is, the expenses it causes. Would it be possible for you to send me a little more? I think you will understand it when you see the studies. Well, forgive me for mentioning it, but I cannot do otherwise, I am in arrears for the daily expenses, and that is why I am absolutely penniless before the tenth day.

Letter 259
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We can talk about the future

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 January 1883

When you come sooner or later, I can show you more, and then we can talk about the future. You know well enough how unfit I am to cope with either dealers or art lovers, and how contrary it is to my nature. I should like it so much if we could always continue as we are now, but it often makes me sad to think that I must always be a burden to you. But who knows, in time you may be able to find someone who takes an interest in my work, who will take from your shoulders the burden which you took upon yourself at the most difficult time. This can only happen when it is quite evident that my work is serious, when it speaks more clearly for itself than it does now.

I myself am too fond of a very simple life to wish to change it, but later on, in order to do greater things, I shall have greater expenses, too. I think I shall always work with a model - always and always. And I must try to arrange matters so that the whole burden doesn't always fall on you.

This is only a beginning - later you will get better things from me, my boy.

Letter 257
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I am beginning to see a light

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 3 January 1883

I was rather worried that you might think I had begun to slacken because you had seen so little of my work recently.

On the contrary, I have been working very hard lately, and am still absorbed in all kinds of things in which I am beginning to see a light, but which I do not quite have within my grasp yet. . . .

You speak too well of me in your letter, but your thinking well of me is all the more reason for me to try not to be quite unworthy of it. And as to what I said about having made some progress by the experiments in question, perhaps I do not see my own work clearly. Perhaps it is a step forward, perhaps not - will you tell me your opinion of it in reference to the two studies I sent you, which I did recently along with a few others?

Letter 257
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Good fellowship and genuineness

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2 January 1883

I sometimes think of the time, a year ago, when I came here to The Hague. I had imagined that the painters formed a kind of circle or society in which warmth and cordiality and a certain kind of harmony reigned. This seemed to me quite natural, and I didn't suppose it could be different.

Nor should I want to lose the ideas I had about it then, though I must modify them and distinguish between what is and what might be. I cannot believe so much coolness and disharmony is natural.

What's the reason??? I don't know and it's not my business to find out, but it's a matter of principle with me that I personally must avoid two things. First, one must not quarrel but, instead of that, try to promote peace - for others as well as for oneself. And second, my opinion is that if one is a painter, one must not try to be something other than a painter in society; as a painter, one must avoid other social ambitions and not try to keep up with the people who live in the Voorhout, Willemspark, etc. For in the old dark, smoky studios there was a good fellowship and genuineness which was infinitely better than what threatens to replace it.

Letter 256
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I cannot judge what is practicable

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2 January 1883

I long very much indeed to see you again. I have so many plans - not all of which will be realized, I suppose, nor will they all be failures - and I want so badly to talk them over with you because I have so little time to think them over and I am so little in touch with what is in demand that I cannot judge what is practicable. Please do not let my having done nothing saleable this year worry you; you once said the same thing to me, and if I say so now, it is because I see a few things within my reach in the future which I couldn't see before.

Letter 256
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One must work till one is master

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 28-30 December 1882

I believe that one must, and can, work till one is master of composition and the effects of light and shadow, so that in the sphere one has chosen, one can conquer the most diverse subjects: for instance, draw a first-class waiting room today, a rainy day in a poor quarter tomorrow, another time a workhouse, then again a saloon or a soup kitchen. I am not yet that far - but perhaps it takes a long time just because I look for the common root or origin of so many things.

Letter 255
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I wish I had a job

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 December 1882

I wish I had a job which would help me make progress. Many jobs which might possibly be within my reach would lead me to things quite different from those I aim at. These jobs are out of my reach, for though I might be accepted at first, they would not be satisfied with me in the long run; they would fire me or I would leave of my own accord.

I mean, they would demand current events, topics of the day . . . . I begin to see more and more clearly that the magazines drift with the superficial tide, and I think they do not try to be as good as they ought to be. No, to fill the magazines with things which cost neither time nor trouble, . . . to make as much money as possible - this is what they do.

I do not think this method wise.

Letter 252
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I hate the thought of it!

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 11 December 1882

Here in The Hague there are clever, great men, I readily admit it; but in many respects what a miserable state of affairs - what intrigues, what quarrels, what jealousy. And in the personality of the successful artists who . . . set the tone, material grandeur is unmistakably substituted for moral grandeur.

I am beginning to feel that if I went, for instance, to England, if I made every effort, I should certainly have a chance of finding a job.

My ideal was to achieve this, and, after all, it still is; this was what enabled me to surmount the enormous difficulties in the beginning. But my heart gets heavy at times when I think of the way things are going, it's not so much fun any more. Of course, I love to do my best on the drawings, but to present myself at all those publishers' offices - oh, I hate the thought of it!

Letter 252
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Contrary to my conviction

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2-3 December 1882

You write about the question of making drawings in a smaller size. I appreciate your speaking of that matter more calmly than others, who have said the same thing to me in quite a different way, and told me, If you don't work in a smaller size, this and that will happen. I think it preposterous and superficial to talk that way, and I can't believe what they say is true.

Do you know what I think? All sizes have their advantages and disadvantages; in general, for my own study I decidedly need the figure with rather large proportions, so that the head, hands and feet will not be too small and one can draw them vigorously.

. . . . I have done it this way from the very beginning - sometimes a little smaller, sometimes a little larger; and as far as my own study is concerned, I should be acting contrary to my conviction if I changed. . . .

What I said just now is only to show you how I have tried to keep some system in my work from the very beginning; I have set a kind of rule for myself - not to become the slave of that rule, but because it helps one to think more clearly.

Letter 250
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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A thing far removed from any rest

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 November 1882

That there is a great chance of going under in the struggle, that a painter is something like a "lost sentinel," these and other things need no saying. You must not think of me as so readily scared - for instance, to paint the Borinage would be something so difficult, so relatively dangerous as to make life a thing far removed from any rest or pleasure. Yet I would undertake it if I could, that is, if I didn't know sure, as I do now, that the expenses would surpass my means. If I could find people who would interest themselves in such an enterprise, I would risk it. But just because you are really the only one for the moment who has a concern over what I do, the thing has to be put on the shelf for the present and must remain there, and meanwhile I will find other things to do. But I do not give it up to spare myself.

Letter 248
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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March quickly

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from The Hague, 16 November 1882

I should like to write at greater length about your statement, "One should only put something before the world if that something fulfills the strictest demands of technique." That is what the art dealers say too, and I do not believe what they say. Think it over a little - that would save me the trouble of writing about it - and ask yourself whether it is not just as permissible to put a drawing like this one, just as is drawn from the model without any subsequent retouching, before the world (although I admit that there is some faulty drawing in it), as it is for me to go out into the street in my work clothes if I think it convenient, and without having to plant myself before a mirror to see if there's something the matter with my attire before I leave the house. If you admit that these things are similar, though you yourself would do neither, then the question remains whether it is not often more advisable during a campaign to march quickly than to smarten oneself up.

Letter R19
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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This bad time must be lived through

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 26 January 1882

The last time Mauve was here, he asked me again if I needed money. I was then able to say I did not want it, but you see, in case of need, he would be willing to do something. And so though there will be some difficulties now and then, I hope we can manage to struggle through. Especially if Mr. Tersteeg would be so kind as to give me some credit in case you're unable to send me money, and when it is absolutely necessary.

You speak of fair promises - with me it is more or less the same. Mauve says it will be all right; but for all that, the watercolors I make are not quite saleable. Now I have some hope myself, and I will work hard on them, but it is often hopeless enough, for when I try to work them up, they become too heavy. It's exasperating, for it's no small difficulty. And experiments with watercolors are rather expensive - paper, paint, brushes, model, and time, and whatnot.

But even so, I think the most economical way is to keep going without losing time.

For this bad time must be lived through.

Letter 173
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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These are evil hours

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 January 1882

Sometimes one involuntarily becomes terribly depressed, if only for a moment, often just when one is feeling cheerful, as I really am even now. That's what happened this morning; these are evil hours when one feels quite helpless and faint with overexertion. I think it was really because I had arranged with Mauve about what I would do with a model out-of-doors, and then all at once I thought, Perhaps I cannot do it because in two days I shall not have a cent left, and than Mauve will think I was afraid. So I got up again to write you once more because I felt so anxious. Having to think about too many other things against my will hampers me so much in my work; even when I am in front of my model, I do not know how I shall pay him or whether I shall be able to go on the next day or not. And I must, I must be calm and quiet in order to work - it is difficult enough anyhow. And especially now I must keep up my spirits; but I felt so clearly this morning that my strength was failing me, not my ardor or my courage, and therefore I'm telling you once more.

I can quite imagine that you also have your difficulties, but I think some arrangement might be made with Tersteeg which would settle everything.

Letter 172
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I work, I drudge, I grind all day long

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 21 January 1882

Now, I hope you will write me soon, and especially that we shall try to make some arrangement about the money. For though 100 fr. a month would be sufficient for my own expenses, it is quite a different matter when I have to pay models daily and must feed them, etc., etc. And then the expenses of paint, paper, etc. I told you in my last letter that whether I can work at full speed or half speed depends on my income. . . .

Believe me, I work, I drudge, I grind all day long, and I do so with pleasure; but I should get very discouraged if I could not go on working as hard or even harder. If you write to Mr. Tersteeg about it, he will certainly credit you for an amount which you yourself fix, and he can control its expenditure if he does not trust me. But it would be terrible if I couldn't go on working the way I have these last three weeks.

Letter 171
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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