Please allow me to come

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 1st half February 1886

Just think, if all goes well, and if I had good food, etc., all that time, which certainly will leave something to be desired, even in that case it will take about six months before I shall have recovered entirely.

Now, at this moment, I am feeling terribly weak, even worse than that, from reaction after overwork, but that is the natural course of things and nothing extraordinary; but as it is a question of taking better nourishment, etc., you see in Brabant I shall again spend my last penny on models; it will be the same story all over again, and I do not think that will be right. In that way we stray from our path. So please allow me to come sooner, I should almost say at once.

Letter 452
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Not to be discouraged

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

More and more I believe that l'art pour l'art, to work for work's sake, l'energie pour l'energie - is after all the principle of all great artists, for in the case of the de Goncourts one sees how necessary obstinacy is, for society will not thank them for it.

But in painting one finds a certain rest in the histories of those painters who aimed at the most sublime through it all.

Israels himself, for instance, was still quite unknown and poor, even to the extent of having nothing to eat but dry bread - when he nevertheless wanted to go to Paris, though the circumstances were discouraging enough.

Not to be discouraged, even though one is almost starving, and though one feels one has to say farewell to all material comfort in life!

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I should drop dead

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

I thought my teeth were bad for another reason, and I didn't know that my stomach had deteriorated to such a degree. It is stupid if you will, but sometimes one has to choose between two evils, and is trapped on both sides.

You see I am not stronger than other people in that if I neglected myself too much, it would be the same with me as with so many painters (so very many if one thinks it over), I should drop dead, or worse still - become insane or an idiot.

This is a fact, and the question is to steer a clear course between the various cliffs, and even if one gets damaged, to try to keep the ship afloat.

I know that Delacroix said he had learned the secret of painting: "When he had neither teeth nor breath left." But I also know that from that moment he took care of himself. And that, except for his mistress, he would have died ten or more years sooner.

So do not be angry with me because of the expense. I shall try to economize, but things were getting too bad and I had to remedy them.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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One must try and stay alive

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

And it is a fact that I must change my outward appearance somewhat. Perhaps you will say that has nothing to do with art, but on the other hand, perhaps you will agree with me I am having my teeth seen to, for instance, there are no less than ten teeth that I have either lost or may lose, and that is too many and too troublesome, and besides, it makes me look over forty, which is not to my advantage.

They told me at the same time that I ought to take care of my stomach, for it's in a bad state. And since I have been here this has far from improved.

But if one knows where the fault lies, that is something gained, and with some energy much can be redressed.

It is not at all pleasant, but necessity knows no law, and if one wants to paint pictures, one must try and stay alive and keep one's strength.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Something stiff and awkward about me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early February 1886

But it has struck me forcibly that there are still other things that I absolutely must change.

When I compare myself to the other fellows, there is something stiff and awkward about me, as if I had been in prison for ten years.

And the cause of this is that for about ten years I have had a difficult and harassed life, much care and sorrow and no friends.

But that will change as my work gets better, and I shall know something and be able to do something.

And I repeat, we are on the right track to accomplishing this. But do not doubt it, the way to succeed is to keep courage and patience and to work on energetically.

Letter 448
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The work need not suffer

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 3 February 1886

But, Theo, this indisposition is a damn bad thing just now; I regret it terribly, but yet I keep courage. It will right itself.

One must not think that people whose health is impaired, wholly or partly, are no good for painting. It is necessary to reach the sixties, or at least the fifties, if one begins at thirty. But one need not be perfectly healthy, one may have all kinds of ailments. The work need not suffer from it. On the contrary, nervous people are more sensitive and refined.

But, Theo, just because my health is decidedly impaired, I am resolved to apply myself to the higher figure, and to try to refine myself. It overtook me so unexpectedly, I had been feeling weak and feverish, but I went on anyway; but I began to feel worried when more and more of my teeth broke off and I began to look more and more sick. Well, we will try to remedy it.

Letter 449
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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An absolute breakdown

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 3 February 1886

I already wrote you the day before yesterday that although on the one hand I felt far from well, I nevertheless began to see some light.

However, I am sorry to have to tell you more categorically that I am literally worn out and overworked. Just think, I went to live in my own studio (in Nuenen) on May 1 and I have not had a hot dinner more than perhaps six or seven times since.

But I have lived then, and I do here, without any money for a dinner, because the work costs me too much, and I have relied too much on my being strong enough to stand it.

It is an absolute breakdown.

Now I have made it worse by smoking a great deal, which I did the more because then one does not feel an empty stomach so much.

Well, manger de la vache enragée, that is what I have my share of.

Letter 449
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The work depends on it

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 22 January 1886

Next Monday we shall get new models; in fact, then I shall begin in earnest, and for Monday I ought to have had a large canvas; they also told me that I must definitely have other brushes, etc.

But I haven't any money left, so it is really pressing, and I wish you would do what you can, for I am also doing what I can, and almost all the time it is such that hardly anything is left for food.

It would be a relief to me if I could have your letter before Monday. What I wrote you about the clothes I want is also rather urgent. I have already made a few acquaintances who have seen the things I had brought for the admission.

I do not think I can take a shorter cut to make progress, and whether I go to the country afterward or to a studio in Paris, at all events it is a good thing to see many others paint, and specially to work regularly from the model as much as ever is possible.

Goodbye, I write you in a hurry because I must get to work. But try your best not to keep me waiting, for the work depends on it, and I assure you in any case it will be hard enough for me.

Letter 446
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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As long as the painting flourishes

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, mid-January 1886

But just consider whether, if I must go and work there or anywhere else, it is necessary for me to do something about my clothes, for I have worn mine for two years now, and especially of late they have had much wear and tear. Even a suit for some 40 fr. would do.

Therefore try, as I asked you, to send me another 50 fr., then I can keep going till the end of the month, and could buy a new pair of trousers and a waistcoat at once, and the coat in February.

It is very cold here, and most of the time I feel far from well, but as long as the painting flourishes, it doesn't matter so much.

I feel in high spirits notwithstanding all, just because it refreshes me to be in all kinds of conditions so disparate from those in the country, and it may be that I shall feel at home here after all.

Letter 445
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Freedom of action

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

I begin to object more and more to your pretending to be a financier, and thinking me exactly the opposite. All people are not alike, and if one does not understand that in drawing up accounts some time must have passed over the account before one can be sure to have counted right, if one does not understand this, one is no calculator. And a broader insight into finances is exactly what characterizes many modern financiers. Namely not pinching, but allowing freedom of action.

I know, Theo, that you may also be rather hard up. But your life has never been so hard as mine has these last ten or twelve years. Can't you make allowances for me when I say, Perhaps it has been long enough now? Meanwhile I have learned something that I did not know before, that has renewed all my chances, and I protest against my always being neglected. And if I should like to live again in the city for some time, and afterward perhaps to work in a studio in Paris too, would you try to prevent this?

Be honest enough to let me go my own way, for I tell you that I do not want to quarrel, and I will not quarrel, but I will not be hampered in my career. And what can I do in the country, unless I go there with money for models and colors? There is no chance, absolutely none, of making money with my work in the country, and there is such a chance in the city. So I am not safe before I have made friends in the city - and that comes first. For the moment this may complicate things somewhat, but after all it is the only way, and going back to the country now would end in stagnation.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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It has been too hard for me

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, c. 12-16 January 1886

And I wish I could make you understand how probable it is that there will be great changes in the art trade. And, consequently, many new chances will present themselves too if one has something original to show.

But that is certainly necessary if one wants to be of some use. It is no fault or crime of mine if I must sometimes tell you we must put more vigor into such and such a thing, and if we haven't got the money ourselves, we must find friends and new relations. I must earn a little more or have some more friends, preferably both. That is the way to success, but recently it has been too hard for me.

At present I am losing weight, and moreover my clothes are getting too shabby, etc. You know yourself that it isn't right as it is. Yet I feel sort of confident that we shall pull through.

Letter 444
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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We will show that we are men

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, early January 1886

Now, shall we say like impotent dullards and blockheads, "We cannot do it, we have no money - there is nothing doing, I tell you No." This is what we'll say - and please let's both say it together, Personally we will endure poverty for it, and suffer want as long as it is necessary, like one does in a besieged city which one does not intend to surrender, but we will show that we are men.

Either one is brave or one is a coward. We must carry things to such a height that the public begins to like it.

It is not taking trouble that I am afraid of. But I believe that you have so accustomed yourself to thinking it all right that I am always to be neglected that you forget too easily how I have not had my due for so many years already.

Letter 443
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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What I think is right

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 2 January 1884

With regard to being brotherly it would appear to me that this is dependent on taking the same view of things or not - which I pointed out to you - seeing that it seemed to me that perhaps our opinions were going to deviate considerably - if they haven't already. I mention it because with you I do not want to pretend to be different from what I am, and because of the very fact that I do not want to quarrel. In the long run I should prefer to do without your support, however much your help means to me, to keeping it on condition that I act contrary to what I think is right.

Letter 351
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Painting is more than enough

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 28 December 1884

You may well find it difficult to imagine, but it is a fact - when I receive the money my greatest craving will not be for food, though I shall have been fasting, but even more so for painting - and I shall immediately go on a hunt for models and continue until all the money has gone. Meanwhile what will be keeping me going is my breakfast with the people where I live, and a cup of coffee and some bread in the cremerie in the evening. Supplemented, when I can, by a second cup of coffee and bread in the cremerie for my supper or else some rye bread I keep in my trunk. As long as I am painting that is more than enough, but when my models have left, a feeling of weakness does come over me.

Letter 442
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Painting wears one out

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 28 December 1884

I've discovered that my appetite has been held in check a bit too long and when I received your money I couldn't stomach any food. But I shall certainly do my best to remedy that. it doesn't take away from the fact that I have all my wits and energy about me when I'm painting. But when I'm out of doors, work in the open air is too much for me and I come over all weak.

Well, painting is something that wears one out. However, Van der Loo said, when I consulted him shortly before I came here, that I am reasonably strong after all. That I needn't despair of reaching the requisite age to produce a complete body of work. I told him that I knew several painters who, for all their nervousness, etc., had reached the age of 60, or even 70, fortunately for themselves, and that I should like to do the same.

I also believe that if one aims for serenity, and retains one's zest for living, one's state of mind helps a great deal. And in that respect I have gained by coming here, for I've new ideas and new means of expressing what I want; the better brushes are going to prove a great help, and I'm very excited by those two colors carmine and cobalt.

Letter 442
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I haven't lost heart yet

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 28 December 1884

Well, you can see that I am working with a will. If I could sell something so that I could earn a bit more, I should work even harder.

As for Portier - I haven't lost heart yet - but poverty is dogging my steps and at present all dealers are suffering a little from the same defect, that of being more or less "a people withdrawn from society" - they are so much sunk in gloom that how is one really to feel inspired to go grubbing about in all that indifference and apathy - the more so as the disease is contagious.

For it's just a lot of nonsense that business is slack, one has to work even so with self-confidence and enthusiasm, in short with some zeal.

Letter 442
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I’m always in a bad fix

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 8-15 December 1884

I cannot get on when I must spend more on color than I receive, and I am not the least bit, literally not the least bit, better off than I was years ago, that winter in Brussels.

I do not feel faint as long as I am painting, but in the long run those intervals are always sometimes rather too melancholy, and it grieves me when I don't get on, and am always in a bad fix. Do you know, for instance, that in the whole time I've been here, I've only had three warm meals, and for the rest nothing but bread? In this way one becomes vegetarian more than is good for one.

Painting is expensive, yet one must paint a great deal.

Letter 439
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The artists very often starve

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Antwerp, 6-7 December 1884

It is hard, terribly hard, to keep on working when one does not sell, and when one literally has to pay for one's color out of what would not be too much for eating, drinking and lodgings, however strictly calculated. And then the models besides. But all the same there is a chance, and even a good one, because comparatively speaking, there are only a few painters at work nowadays.

In my opinion they are only half to blame for that (for the other half, they are), for sometimes it is too hard.

All the same they are building State museums, and the like, for hundreds of thousands of guilders, but meanwhile the artists very often starve.

Letter 438
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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To stand completely outside

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 15-20 November 1885

As I have been working absolutely alone for years, I imagine that, though I want to and can learn from others, and even adopt some technical things, I shall always see with my own eyes, and render things originally.

But when I got off to Amsterdam for a few days, I enjoyed seeing pictures again immensely.

For sometimes it is damned hard to stand completely outside the world of painters and pictures, and to have no contact with others. Since then I have felt the longing to go back to them, at least for a time. Having been entirely out of it for a few years and having wrestled with nature sometimes helps, and one may get a new store of courage and also of health by it, of which one can never have too much, for a painter's life is often hard enough.

Letter 434
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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"A job on the side"

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid-November 1885

In de Goncourt's book I found the following sentence in the article about Chardin marked by you. After having talked about the bad financial conditions of painters, he says: "What to do, what to become? One must throw oneself into a subordinate condition or starve. One chooses the first", so, he continues, except a few martyrs, the rest become fencing masters, soldiers or actors.

Now it always makes a fatal impression on the public when the painter "takes a job on the side." I don't feel above this at all, but I should say, Go on painting, just make a hundred, and if that is not enough, two hundred studies, and see if this doesn't help you more than the “job on the side.”

Accustoming oneself to poverty, seeing how a soldier or a laborer lives and thrives in wind and weather, with ordinary people's fare and dwelling, is just as practical as earning a few guilders more a week.

After all, one is not in the world for one's own comfort, and one does not need to be better off than one's neighbor.

Letter 433
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Standing behind another counter

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Drenthe, 3 November 1883

Then be wise, you, then be sensible, and listen to what I tell you about the thorny little path of painting, which at first leads to all sorts of humiliation, etc., but which for all that will eventually lead to a more lasting victory and a more definite peace than commerce can ever give. . . .

Theo, at times I think that for an artist the utmost poverty would be bearable (and productive too) if only he were not alone. . . . It has become an idee fixe of mine that you will feel so uprooted, so disoriented, so defeated that as for standing behind another counter you will simply say, "I can't do it," "It would certainly be a failure." . . . There, my presentiment tells me that this is approximately how you feel at heart.

In this case I see nothing reckless, nothing unpractical, nothing foolish in our wanting to feel our energy, to feel ourselves. Let our love of art inspire us with a "faith of the coal miner," inspire us to say what others have said before us, and will say after us, namely, Though circumstances may be ominous, and though we may be very poor, and so on, yet we have one thing to cling to tenaciously - painting, of course.

Letter 339b
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Thirty-five

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 8 September 1888

But whether Gauguin comes or not, if I were to get some furniture, henceforth I should have, whether in a good spot or a bad one is another matter, a pied à terre, a home of my own, which frees the mind from the dismalness of finding oneself in the streets. That is nothing when you are an adventurer of twenty, but it is bad when you have turned thirty-five.

Letter 533
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The cost of colors

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Arles, 1 September 1888

It is a constant grief to me that comparatively I can do so little with the money I spend.

My life is disturbed and restless, but then if I make a change and move about much, I shall perhaps only make things worse. . . .

Often now I hesitate before planning a picture because of what the colors would cost us. You see all the same this is rather a pity, for the simple reason that we may have the power to work today, but we do not know if it will hold out till tomorrow.

Letter 530
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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An underhand expedient

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, September 1884

It was mere chance that recently I happened to be asked to do a drawing or a painted study for 20 guilders. I acceded to this request, but seeing that I suspected (a suspicion which, on investigation, proved to be well founded) that Margot Begemann was behind it all, and that indirectly she wanted to make me a present of the money, I most resolutely refused to accept payment, but not to do the drawing, which I sent. It is no easy matter, when one is sorely pressed for money, to refuse it. But it would have been a pons asinorum, and underhand expedient - so - instead of such underhand expedients - is there nothing better to do? I am convinced of it. For your sake as well as mine, and for the sake of many others, I wish that we had Mourets in the art trade, who would know how to create a new and larger buying public.

Letter 379
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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An adventurer by fate

Vincent van Gogh to Horace M. Livens, from Paris, August-October 1886

But for the present things are awfully hard. Therefore let anyone who risks to go over here consider there is no laying on roses at all.

What is to be gained is progress and what the deuce that is, it is to be found here. I dare say as certain anyone who has a solid position elsewhere let him stay where he is. But for adventurers as myself, I think they lose nothing in risking more. Especially as in my case I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate, and feeling nowhere so much myself a stranger as in my family and country.

Letter 459a
Written in English.
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Downright starvation

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, mid August 1885

So, in short - work hard - but at the same time try to work sensibly. The trouble you have taken along with me - for furnishing money is taking trouble too, and I don't in the least try to get away from it - this trouble anyway has been an act of personal initiative, of personal will and energy - but what shall I have to say and think of it if there is nothing to compensate for the gradual but undeniable weakening of financial aid?

In my opinion, at least, now is just the moment to try to do something with my work. . . .

You told me yourself, "Where there's a will there's a way." Well, I am going to take you at your word a little, at least as to your really wanting us to make progress together.

If I were to demand extravagant things and you refused - well, all right then - but when it is a question of the most urgent, the very simplest necessities of life, and it is increasingly and ever more badly becoming downright starvation, only then do I think you go too far in your economizing, and that in this respect it is far from useful.

Letter 420
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I don't ask high prices

Vincent van Gogh to Mr. Furnee, from Nuenen, 3 August 1885

I work too hard to believe that I work in vain. . . .

I buy nearly everything cash down and I regulate my requirements so much in accordance with my ready money that now and then weeks pass without my spending a single guilder except on bread. . . . I have no friends - and yet I tell you, do not despair of getting your money!

But could you manage to show some of my work at The Hague? That would be the best thing, and in this way you would serve your own interests as well as mine. I don't ask high prices, and the amount in question is not big. And therefore I suggest you try it. I haven't any money, less than ever before, as this is a period in which I am making myself independent of all subsidies.

Letter 419a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I myself have to wait

Vincent van Gogh to Mr. Furnee, from Nuenen, 3 August 1885

At present I need colors quite as much as money.

As I am very much afraid of being in debt, I do not run up high bills, I buy very little and only cash down, and I use only the colors I get brayed here.

If I am forced to let you wait, it is because I have to wait even worse myself.

As for drawing a bill of exchange, I tell you emphatically that I do not appeal to your clemency, that you would, however, have to take extreme measures, and I add that it would be to my advantage, as I possess literally nothing but my tools. . . .

I offer you my apologies for all this, but the circumstances I related are my excuse. However, I am not doing so badly, and above all things you should not despair of getting your money; it will be all right, but I myself have to wait worse and longer than you.

Letter 419a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My only means of paying you

Vincent van Gogh to Mr. Furnee, from Nuenen, 3 August 1885

I have only one thing, and that is steadily improving: I mean my pictures and my drawings.

What I hear people say about them is good as well as bad, and they can all think whatever they like of them. But as for the present case - seeing that they represent my only means of paying you, what do you want? . . .

Do you want me to send you some of my work, so that you will be able to show it to art lovers?

There is nothing I should like better. . . .

I don't think you will be the loser if you try to achieve some success with my paintings. I am willing to send you a number of them, and perhaps they will not disappoint you. It might mean that I should not only be able to pay you, but also to buy even more colors.

Letter 419a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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I have only one thing

Vincent van Gogh to Mr. Furnee, from Nuenen, 3 August 1885

Perhaps you know that until now I have received financial help from my brother, who is an art dealer in Paris. I am making progress with my work, and the chances of selling are better than they used to be; but at the same time this is the very moment when financial assistance from others has been completely discontinued, and I am exclusively dependent on my own work. . . .

And look here - suppose you draw a bill of exchange on me, well, I cannot pay cash; if I have it, it will be 10 guilders one time and 5 guilders another, and to earn these I shall have to pay for canvas, colors, brushes again. So if you should demand payment, you would have to resort to extreme measures (if you should insist on ready money), i.e. selling my furniture and my other possessions. . . .

So what will you gain by doing this? If you really want to, I should not much care, but it would most decidedly not bee the way to get your money; but if you will wait, I will pay you in full. . . .

I have only one thing, and that is steadily improving: I mean my pictures and my drawings.

Letter 419a
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Working on to the utmost

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

I do not approve, Theo, of spending more than one receives, but when it is a question of going on strike or working on, I vote for working on to the utmost.

Millet and the other masters worked on till writs were served on them, or some have been in prison, or have had to move from one place to another, but I do not see that any one of them gave up his work.

And I am only beginning, but I see it from afar, like a dark shadow, and sometimes it makes my work gloomy.

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My life is too cramped and meager

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

I feel my ardor vanishing, one needs to have a fixed point somewhere. When you say, "Set your hopes on the future," it sounds to me as if you yourself had no confidence in me.

Is this true? I can't help it, my spirits are low because of all these cares. I only wish you were here.

You say that the effect of the lithographs is somewhat meager. I am not in the least surprised when I think of how a man's physique influences his work, and my life is too cramped and meager. Really, Theo, we ought to have had a little more to eat for the sake of the work, but I could not afford it, and it will remain so as long as I cannot breathe a little more freely.

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The burden is sometimes so heavy

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 22 July 1883

The weeks passed - many, many weeks and months of late - when the expenses were repeatedly heavier than I could afford, notwithstanding all my worrying and economizing and however much I racked my brains. As soon as your money arrives, I must not only manage to live ten days on it, but I have so many things to pay for at once that from the start those ten days which are ahead are bound to mean starvation. . . .

And it happens to me, too: when I am sitting in the dunes or somewhere else, I have a faint feeling in my stomach because there isn't enough to eat. . . .

Well, I should not care, Theo, if I could only stick to the thought, It will come out right, we must go on. But now your saying, "I can give you little hope for the future," is like "the hair that finally breaks the camel's back" to me. The burden is sometimes so heavy that one extra hair is enough to make the animal sink to the ground.

Now what am I to do?

Letter 301
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Never sparing expense

Vincent van Gogh to Anthon van Rappard, from Nuenen, June 1885

I most seriously advise you not to fight with me. As for me - I go my own way - you see I don't want to pick a quarrel with anyone, so not with you either, even now. . . . But for the moment I want to say this much, you have said more than once that I do not care for the form of the figure, it is beneath me to pay attention to it, and - my dear fellow - it is beneath you to say such an unwarranted thing. You have known me for years - just tell me, have you ever seen me work otherwise than after the model, never sparing expense, however heavy at times, though I am surely poor enough.

Letter R52
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Trifles take on the biggest proportions

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 4-6 May 1883

I saved up a stamp on purpose, to be able to write to you once more. . . .

If you are strained yourself, send me less than usual if it must be; but send it as soon as possible. For next week I have an arrangement with Van der Weele to go and paint in the dunes - he will show me a few things which I do not know yet.

I have been working in the dunes for some days, but I long for a model: otherwise I cannot go on.

In short, I feel rather worried. So write as soon as possible. As for the work, I am getting on pretty well, and I think you would like some of the drawings I have on hand now.

. . . Write soon, boy, for it is very unpleasant to be without a cent. It makes trifles take on the biggest proportions.

Letter 283
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Such strained relations

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c. 2 May 1883

When I think back to May of last year, Theo, the year has not been exactly easy or free from care for me, has it? But that doesn't matter. To be without care or trouble has indeed never been my ideal or intention. But things have not been exactly easy for me.

What you send me is not little but much; but though it was perhaps much more than you could really spare yourself, I assure you that going on and making progress with my work, and keeping the household going, is not child's play for the woman and me. Now it is sometimes very hard on me that because of such strained relations, I must avoid the very persons with whom, for my work, I ought to be directly or indirectly in touch. And I wish it were peacefully settled.

Well - for the moment I cannot change it.

Letter 282
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Deliver me from the landlord

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 27 May 1882

But, brother, it has been a hard fortnight for me. When I wrote you about the middle of May, I had only 3 or 3.50 guilders left after I had paid the baker; and I have had hardly anything to eat but dry black bread with some coffee, . . . .

Now I have to pay the house rent on the first of June, and I have nothing, literally nothing. I hope you will send something.

A week ago I felt very faint from continuous sleeplessness. Now that I have had some luck with a few drawings and the order for C. M. is almost finished, I have new courage and am a little calmer.

But, brother, do write to me soon and deliver me from the landlord, for you know he won't be put off.

Letter 202
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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To dare more and to risk more

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 8 February 1883

I sometimes think I will make an experiment, and try to work in quite a different way, that is, to dare more and to risk more . . . .

But while finding more and more that one is not perfect oneself, and makes mistakes, and that other people do likewise, so that difficulties continually arise which are the opposite of illusions, I think that those who do not lose courage and who do not become indifferent, ripen through it, and one must bear hardships in order to ripen.

Letter 265
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Some way for me to earn something

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from Nuenen, 18-19 January 1884

We asked the doctor again to tell us plainly what it was, and it is a fact that Mother’s thighbone is broken right beneath the joint.

You know that I was just going to pay off some debts with the money you sent. But as there will be many extra expenses, of course I told Father he was welcome to use it; the other things can wait, and it was only by chance that I had not yet sent it off. I am afraid it will be a long time before Mother recovers. . . .

Theo, think it over well, if you cannot find some way or other for me to earn something. Money will be needed, and we must also consider once more the chances of selling my work. If it were only possible for me to pay my working expenses myself, so that you could give Mother what you would otherwise give me.

I told you already that I am doing watercolors of the weavers here. I shall try to finish some.

Letter 353
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Do not deprive her for my sake

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, c.13 January 1883

Since I received your letter, what you wrote has literally filled all my thoughts. And I write once more because I am so full of it. In cases like this one is involved with a patient who is ill in body and in soul, so it is doubly serious; and financial help for the necessities of life is not enough to bring about complete recovery - the best and most efficacious remedy is love and a home. . . . To save a life is a great and beautiful thing, but it is also very difficult and requires great care.

To make a home for the homeless, yes, it must be a good thing, whatever the world may say, it cannot be wrong, and yet it is often considered a crime.

. . . As to what I wrote you about sending me a little more money - yes, I am rather hard up and wish it were possible, but do not deprive her for my sake, and know well that because of what you wrote, I will try twice as hard to make progress, so that the burden may become somewhat lighter for you. But the difficulty is that hard work costs more money because of the greater outlay.

Letter 260
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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My pleasure lies in the progress of my work

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2 January 1883

If you should find some progress in my work when you come here again, I should have no other desire than to go on in the same way I have - that is, to continue my work quietly without mixing with anybody else. When there is bread in the house and I have some money in my pocket to pay the models, what more can I want? My pleasure lies in the progress of my work, and that absorbs me more and more.

Letter 256
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The drudgery those little things cost

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2-3 December 1882

I think, however, that one would be very much mistaken in believing that such a thing as, for instance, the print "Le Benedicite" (a family of woodcutters and farmers at table) was made in one fell swoop. No, in most cases the solidity and pith of the small size is only acquired after much more serious study than those who think lightly of illustration work would suppose. Oh, boy, you are one of the best informed of the art dealers I know, and you speak about it with so much more truth and feeling than most of them; but if you knew the drudgery those little things have cost I think you would be awed by it.

Letter 250
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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The dark, shadowy side of an artist's life

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 2-3 December 1882

Breitner really has got a job at the high school in Rotterdam - a lucky thing for him. But l think after all it is preferable if one can manage to do without such jobs and give all one's time to one's work. There seems to be something fatal in occupying such positions; perhaps it is the very cares, the very dark, shadowy side of an artist's life which is the best of it. It is risky to say so, and there are moments when one speaks differently; many are drowned by too heavy cares, but those who struggle through will profit by it later.

Letter 250
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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Prints for the people

Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh, from The Hague, 1 December 1882

It has always been said that in Holland we cannot make prints for the people - I have never been able to believe it, I see now that it can be done

I see that with persistence and perseverance it might become something not at all unnecessary, but definitely good and useful.

The Society for General Welfare has bolstered up Elsevier in Rotterdam with thousands of guilders for the publication of The Swallow. Did The Swallow become a good thing? No, though it had a few beautiful sheets, it was too uninteresting, not serious, not powerful, not strong enough . . . .

So, instead of saying, . . . "It might be done, and if so, we should do it," Elsevier and thousands like him say it can't be done, or they do it sloppily and without enough energy. . . . I know their magazine well enough to take it upon myself to say, "You have not made it what it might have been, it should and might have been better."

So what is needed is courage and self-sacrifice and risking something, not for gain, but because it is useful and good; one must retain one's trust in one's fellow creatures and fellow countrymen in general.

Letter 249
Translation courtesy of Robert Harrison.
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